Before I Saw You
by CileSuns92
Summary: The story of a surgeon who needs a change, after chasing the dream of his soulmate, soulmate he's sure he found in Europe 8 years prior. What happened to the girl? Will he find her? Will they rekindle their romance, or will it only remain a meaningful summer fling? What's going on in her life now? - "I Missed You For 29 Years", 8 years later. The long-awaited Part 2. Slow updates!
1. I Won't Need Any Help To Be Lonely

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy and I don't want to. Now, when it comes to all the The National's songs I'll use here, we can reconsider.**

 **A/N: This is the long-awaited Part 2 of "I Missed You For 29 Years". Sorry it took me forever to post it, but life had other plans. Updates will be slow. Slower than slow. I'm putting this up as a promise, something concrete so you can make sure I'll finish it someday.  
**

 **This story starts almost 8 years after Part 1. I know it's not what you expected from that ending, but there's a reason for it, and it's strictly connected to the title. Derek was 29 back in that story, now it's Meredith who is 29. Also, while we began from Meredith's POV, this time we're starting with Derek. Let's see where he's standing...**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Before I Saw You**

* * *

 _I made a mistake in my life today_

 _Everything I love gets lost in drawers_

 _I want to start over, I want to be winning_

 _Way out of sync from the beginning_

* * *

 **Chapter 1 - Won't Need Any Help To Be Lonely When You Leave Me  
**

* * *

Derek sighs quietly, rubbing the bony back of the small child resting against his chest. He breathes in the smell of strawberries and the outdoors with a tinge of old sweat and pure innocence that the little girl exudes. She's pressed against him so tightly he's sweating a little in spite of the gentle breeze cooling the day.

It seems impossible that almost the entire month of June has gone by already. Summers are always hard for him, and they usually seem to drag on, but not this one. This one is flying by.

His fingers get caught in a tangle as he tucks a strand of dark hair behind the girl's small ear. She sighs contentedly, snuggling the small stuffed otter deeper into her arms.

Days in June are so long that Derek loves watching the sky painted with all kinds of orange and red hues as the sun sets behind the hills. Sitting on his mother's front porch is still his favorite way to appreciate a sunset, especially when it's still relatively quiet after a full day spent with loud children and excited sisters and husbands and boyfriends catching up on each other's lives.

He loves that his mother's birthday is so close to the Fourth of July, and yet it's not on the Fourth. They get the same weather, and yet everybody can be free for a reunion. Since he and his siblings are all doctors, it's easier to book off a weekend two weeks before a major holiday, rather than the holiday itself, and that way he can still get to pick if he wants Thanksgiving or Christmas off.

Not that Derek has many reasons to take any days off when his mother only lives an hour away from him, and he finds these reunions mostly overwhelming and bittersweet. He doesn't avoid them, but he also tries to spend as little time as possible as he can there in the mayhem.

"I think I love them a little bit more when they are asleep." Lizzie intrudes on his thoughts, and he chuckles quietly. The girl in his arms stirs slightly, but the pattern of her deep, warm breaths is still the same.

"I love the quiet of the porch too," he agrees, taking in the muffled voices coming from inside, glad that they're far away enough that he can't understand what they're saying.

"Wanna give me that otter? I swear Annie doesn't go anywhere without that thing you brought her back from Genoa."

Derek shakes his head, though something swells up in his heart, swells and then pops, almost ripping open the stitches he's so careful never to touch on a wound that never seems to heal.

"You know she's my favorite niece, right?" he says quietly, sharing a forced smile with Lizzie, trying not to let his façade slip.

"I figured that," Lizzie chortles. "She doesn't even let me hold her when she sleeps. She says almost eight is too old to be doing that.. Look at her now."

"You know we miss each other."

"You should come visit more than once every two weeks, Derek. You're always at work, and she always asks to visit you when we don't have plans. You can spare twenty minutes to drive up north, can't you?"

Derek feels even guiltier now. He's exploiting his niece's love for him to fill a void, and he feels awful. He has a hard time going home to an empty house and Annabel makes it better, no matter how selfish he feels every time he has her over.

"It's hard for me. You know I want a family, I want to be a dad– "

"So go and find a girl. You're living like a monk. An overworked monk," Lizzie scolds.

Derek can see her face falling, and he hates it. He hates that he's the pathetic one in the family, the one who always gets the pity looks when it's his turn to give thanks at Thanksgiving, when it's time to open presents on Christmas morning, or when he always shows up at gatherings like their mother's birthday alone, barely a duffel bag in tow, his eyes sad and happy at the same time.

Derek knows what he looks like when he shows up, because it's the same face that stares at him back in the mirror every morning.

Lizzie remains quiet, sipping her glass of ice tea. Her gaze turns towards the now indigo sky, giving him the quiet.

"I was offered the Head of Neurosurgery at Seattle Grace Hospital two days ago," he says quietly, unable to help himself when he holds his niece just a little tighter. "I'm thinking about taking it."

Liz turns abruptly towards him, her eyes widening. "Seattle?!"

"Mom said a change of scenery might be wise. I'm drowning in myself, Liz. And there's more work there, the private practice was not a good idea. There are no memories there either. I can start fresh."

His sister looks perplexed, and then it's like a light goes off in her head. "You said Meredith's mother was in Seattle!"

Derek shakes his head. "I'm not going there for her, Liz. They called me in for a consult at a different hospital a month ago, and I loved it out there. It's just...quiet. New York is smothering me."

Lizzie looks hurt for a moment. "You mean _we_ are smothering you."

"No!" He backtracks right away. Annabel shifts in his arms, but remains asleep. "Lizzie, I don't know where I would be without all of you. Your kids and your problems and your bitching make me feel human, and I just...work is the only place I feel like I belong, and this is a great opportunity for me."

"It's on the other side of the country," Lizzie protests weakly.

"And there are planes, cars, trains, and buses. Liz, I'd take a hot air balloon to come home, if it came down to it. I won't make it to some things, but you'll see me again. I'm not going into hiding. And you can come visit."

Lizzie nods. "So you're going. This is not something you were discussing, it's an announcement."

"Yeah, Lizzie."

"You know Annabel will call you every day, right?"

"I'd be happy to listen to her for hours," Derek admits, feeling the tears well up in his eyes.

As if on cue, Annabel stirs in his lap, rubbing her cheek against his t-shirt. She clutches him and Lottie the Otter tighter against her chest for a second, before her hazel eyes open slowly. She graces him with the most dazzling, sleepy smile he has ever seen.

"Well, hello there, sleeping log."

Annabel giggles quietly, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. "I'm not a log, Uncle Derek!"

"Well, you sleep like one, Annabel Meredith." She laughs again, her eyes blinking away the sleep, and he feels his heart squeeze in his chest. "You are a cute log, though. I'm okay with that."

Annabel keeps laughing, becoming more and more aware of her surroundings. Her composure slips back when she spots her mother.

"Uncle Derek makes for a soft pillow, huh?" Lizzie grins, teasing him, though it's not as happy as usual. Annabel nods eagerly, remaining a little slack in his hold.

"You're a good snuggler, Uncle Derek."

Derek laughs, snuggling her closer, which brings about even more giggling. His mood becomes a little more somber as the last glimmers of sunlight disappear. The sky becomes a thick mass of dark blue hues and the first glimmering stars start to appear.

"I have an announcement to make, Annie Mer," he says quietly, using one of the myriads of nicknames he made up so that he could keep using her middle name.

"Did something bad happen?" Annabel frowns and sits up straighter on his lap; she shares a quick look with her mother before focusing her attention solely on him

"No, it's not bad, but it changes things. I'm moving, Annie."

"You're getting a bigger house? Do you have a girlfriend?" She grins, more mischievous than ever. Derek hates to crush her excitement.

"No, neither of those. I'm changing my job, so I have to move."

"You're not going to be a brain doctor anymore?"

Derek grins. "Of course I am, but I'm going to be a more important doctor and work in a hospital, so I need to move to a place where I can run my own ship."

"You're going to be the boss of everyone?" Annabel's eyes are shining.

"Yes, all the neurosurgeons will have to answer to me."

"Cool!" she exclaims, her eyes widening. "Where is this job? Can I come and see you boss people around?"

Derek smiles sadly. "You can come visit, but it's really far away. Do you know where Seattle is?"

Annabel knits her brow, her eyes widening before she scrambles inside, leaving Derek in her wake.

"She didn't take that well, uh?" He sighs loudly, swallowing thickly.

Before Lizzie can reply though, Annabel comes back with a large book in her hands that is very familiar to Derek. He would recognize that cover anywhere — it's the atlas that has always been in the house from when they were little.

Annabel sits down beside him, the open book covering her whole lap as she finds the marked page of where her grandmother's house is. She grins when she finds the little star Derek drew over the exact spot when he was little and points at it.

"Okay, we're here, Uncle Derek. Where are you going to buy a house?"

Derek sighs, turning back various pages until they have a comprehensive view of the United States in full. Annabel frowns beside him.

"Alright, Nana's house is here," he explains, placing his finger roughly around his hometown, a little further up from New York City, watching Annabel nod and smile. "I'm moving to Seattle," he confesses, his other finger pointing to the other end of the map.

"Seattle?" Annabel repeats slowly, her eyes meeting his, and he can already see the tears. "But it's...you can't even touch them with the same hand, Uncle Derek," she squeaks, panic filling her voice. "You can't go!"

"Oh, Annie," he mumbles, gathering her in his arms. He kisses the top of her head as she starts crying.

"I need you here, Uncle Derek. You're my favorite uncle!"

"I know, and you're my favorite niece. But I have to go. I have to work."

"I hate work. You should just play with me all day. No work, no school, no nothing."

"We can't do that, Annie Mer. You know we can't."

"Take me with you, Mommy won't miss me, she has the new baby and all my sisters. You've only got me!"

Derek feels a tear ready to slip down his cheek. "I will always have you, Annie. In here," he says, patting his heart. He grabs her fingers and puts them where she can feel his heart beating.

"But where will I have you?"

"In here," he replies, doing the same on her chest. "And here," he adds, poking her otter. "And you can call me whenever you want."

"But you'll come visit me, right?"

"I'll make sure we can see each other often. And we can use the computer to see each other. I'll tell Mommy how to do it, okay?"

Annabel nods, but she keeps holding him tightly.

"Maybe your mommy will let you stay with me for a little bit when you have a holiday next and you're a little older. You'll hop on a plane and we will conquer Seattle. Just the two of us." Derek knows he should talk to Lizzie about it first, but he'll dig himself out of that hole when the time comes. "Believe me, you will miss your mommy like crazy if you went away. I miss my mommy since I moved out of her house."

"Then don't go!"

"Everything will work out alright, I promise. You just have to wait for me."

Annabel's loud sniffle breaks his heart. Then her eyes widen in panic. "Will I get tired of waiting? Because sometimes I do, and – "

"You won't. I'm gonna tell you a story about waiting, Annie, okay? So that you can trust me that it's worth waiting, sometimes."

"Okay," she sighs, and Derek can see that even Lizzie looks curious now.

"Do you remember the day you were born?"

Annabel giggles in between her tears. "I was too little, silly!"

"Well, I was there. I saw you when you were all pink and sleepy and chubby, and as soon as I laid eyes on you and your mommy told me your name, I started crying."

"Cause you were happy to see me?"

"Yes, and because you're Annabel Meredith."

"You like my name?"

"I love your name. And I met the most beautiful, perfect girl named Meredith before you were born. We went on a trip together that same summer when you were in your mommy's belly, and I had just said goodbye to her to come and see you."

"Can I meet her? Is she pretty?"

"She's the most beautiful woman, Annie. And no, you can't meet her, because I don't know where she is. We haven't seen each other since that trip we took together, and I've been waiting for her."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that I could have gone around and gotten any other girl, but it wasn't worth it. Because no other girl could be like my Meredith."

"Is she your soulmate?"

"I'd like to think so too, yeah." He chuckles, though his heart is filled with sadness.

"Are you going to Seattle to find her?"

"No, but I still hope I might find her again someday. Tell her about you. She knew you were coming. She told me to give you Lottie, you know?"

"She did?"

Derek hums. "You would have loved her."

Annabel nods, pondering his story and making him feel self-conscious. He knows his sister is glaring at him, but he doesn't care. He won't keep his love for Meredith hidden away because it's inconvenient and wrong to be in love with someone so deeply when you barely knew them. And maybe it was all in his head — most of the time he feels that way — but the smallest part of him that knows their love was genuine is not going to give up.

Something is pulling him towards Seattle, and he'll be damned not to follow his heart this time.

"So I should wait for you like you're waiting for your Meredith?"

"Yeah. Only, you can see me and talk to me whenever you want. It will be a breeze, Annie."

Annabel sighs, still sad, but she snuggles again against him. "Okay. But I don't like it."

"I don't like leaving you either."

"Good," she nodded. "I'm going to give this back to Nana," she adds then, picking up the atlas and leaving.

"God, Derek. Annabel reminds you of Meredith every time you see her?" Lizzie widens her eyes in shock as soon as Annabel is out of earshot.

"She does. In the best of ways."

"Derek, we had no idea. Joel's grandmother was named Meredith and they were so close, we couldn't possibly..."

"I love that she's named Meredith. She kinda sounds like my Meredith too sometimes, and it helps, having her close. It hurts and it helps. I'm glad you named her Meredith."

Lizzie nods, her eyes a little teary too. "You haven't mentioned her in a while before today, Derek. I thought you were getting better."

"I am better. But I won't get over her. I stopped mentioning her because I know what it looks like. It's been eight years, Lizzie. I know I sound desperate. I have to look okay after eight years."

"But you don't feel whole."

"No, I don't. And Richard offered me a one-year contract. If Seattle makes me fall into a deep pit of depression, I'm coming back. I'm trying something new. I can't keep living in this funk forever, Liz."

"I'm one-hundred percent behind you, Derek, but please, don't drop off the face of the earth, okay?"

"I won't," he nods, knowing that this one is a promise he has to keep.

He just hopes he's not making the biggest mistake of his life.

* * *

 _You know I dreamed about you_

 _for twenty-nine years before I saw you._

 _You know I've dreamed about you;_

 _I've missed you for, for twenty-nine years._

* * *

 **A/N: I guess this is definitely NOT what you expected, uh? I truly hope it's in a good way and not in a I'm-never-reading-your-stories-again kinda way.  
**

 **On a completely different note, from now on, all the songs I will be using in the titles are from The National. The one in italics at the beginning and the end of this chapter is _Slow Show,_ the soundtrack for this whole story, to be honest. If it wasn't so long, I'd consider this whole thing a songfic, but I'll refrain from doing so. The title for the chapter instead comes from _Slipped._ Go listen to The National and fall in love like I did!**

 **Also, a special thank you to Kaitie, who stuck with me as my Beta for this. She makes this story ten times better than my original drafts!**

 **Thank you for reading and trusting me with these characters for Part 2! See you on the other side!**


	2. It Takes an Ocean Not To Break

**A/N: Welcome back! I told you guys updates would be slow, but you still kept showing how much love you have for this story that I couldn't not post one more chapter. Updates will still be slow, but you can keep bugging me to write, sometimes it works!  
**

 **Song for this title is _Terrible Love,_ and not the Birdy version, the original one by The National. It doesn't sound as "terrible love" when Birdy sings it :P**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Chapter 2 - It Takes an Ocean Not to Break**

* * *

His mother's arms are strong around his neck as she squeezes him in a tight hug.

"You call me right away when you land, alright?" she says in his ear, before releasing him.

"Mom, I'm thirty-six. I've lived alone for more than a decade." Derek smiles, squeezing her hand again.

"Not on the other side of the country."

"I will be okay." He sighs, trying to mask how afraid he is.

It's going to be the first time that he won't have a family member less than a two-hour drive away from him, and he has no idea if he's doing the right thing or if it's a plunge in the dark. He only knows that Seattle is calling, and he needs something different to keep going.

"I want to see you for Thanksgiving or Christmas, Derek. It's not an option."

Derek wants to argue that being the new guy means he'll have to work the holidays most likely, and that people with children should get the time off, not him, but he knows it's futile, so he nods and lets his mother be.

Tiny little arms envelop his midsection then, and his heart squeezes in his chest.

"Don't leave, Uncle Derek," Annie begs, as he shares a teary look with his sister.

"I don't want to leave you." Derek sighs and picks her up, even if she's almost too big now to wrap around him like she used to do.

"I read in a book that it rains a lot in Seattle," she argues, tightening her vice grip on him.

"I know. And I'll be terribly lonely without you, Annie."

"I can call, right? Every day?"

"You can. And I'll call. You'll get sick of me, Annie Mer."

"Never," she giggles. "But buy a bigger suitcase when you come back."

Derek looks puzzled as she giggles. "Why?"

"Cause I don't fit in the one you have now."

Derek laughs loudly, hugging his niece tightly, breathing in her strawberry smell and filing it in his memories. He hates leaving her, he hates being away from his family, but he has to do this. He has to make it on his own. Alone. Lonely.

The intercom calls his flight. They rush for the last goodbyes, and part of him thinks he's crazy for leaving this life for the unknown.

He really, really hates airports.

* * *

A business briefcase lands on the aisle seat next to Derek's, forcing him to turn his head. When he spots the passenger, he smiles, surprised.

"Richard Webber?" Derek grins, eyeing the older man settling his carry-on over their heads. The man looks down and studies him, before he breaks into a wide smile.

"Derek Shepherd, wow. This is quite the coincidence."

"Did you purposely book this flight because you knew your new neurosurgeon was going to be here, on the seat next to yours?"

Richard laughs, sitting down as they shake hands. "That's a bonus. I can grill you here instead of my office tomorrow morning."

They both laugh loudly again, turning a few heads, but not caring much about it.

"How are you doing?" Derek asks, smiling at his old professor.

"I'm great. I love being Chief, even though it's always a reminder that I never had the power in my marriage," he chuckles.

"Is Adele still giving you a hard time?"

Richard sighs, his smile dimming. "She died in an accident a couple of years after I had you in my class. I picked up everything and moved to Seattle, then."

"So you're coming home."

"I am," he sighs. "Even though I'm still getting used to the fact that my little girls aren't living there anymore." He chuckles.

"You're a dad?" Derek grins. Richard has always been a good man, and Derek knows being a father would have looked good on him.

"It's complicated. I had an affair during my residency —that's why Adele and I moved to New York. Then next thing I know I'm moving to Seattle and Ellis plops back into my lap after a heart attack, and tells me she wants to get back together."

"Wow. And you have a baby daughter, now?"

"Oh, she's anything but a baby. Maggie showed up on our doorstep the day she turned eighteen. Freaked us out. I welcomed her like I've known her forever, I felt like I was finally complete."

"Wow."

"It's probably how I got Ellis to marry me, accepting Maggie. That woman is a stubborn one, believe me. Awesome surgeon, but stubborn as a mule. It's been quite the ride with her in the past eight years."

Derek watches Richard chuckle to himself as he puts two and two together, and then it clicks. "Ellis Grey?"

"Yes. I tried to make her a Webber, or a Grey-Webber, but she wouldn't have it," he says, still chortling.

Derek's breath hitches, his palms sweaty all of a sudden. "Your wife is Ellis Grey?" he asks, just to be sure, in case he's making things up.

"Yes. I'll forever be Ellis Grey's new husband in the medical world," Richard chuckles.

"How's Meredith?" Derek blurts, before he can keep his tongue in check. He wonders if this is why he felt a pull to Seattle.

Richard's smile brightens. "She's thriving. She's incredible, just like her mother. Maybe more. How do you know her?"

"It's a long story," he murmurs, his heart heavy. He's glad that she's okay, that she's doing well, personally and professionally. He wanted her to find her way when they parted at JFK, and he's glad she found a direction, a purpose.

"How are you? I heard you were getting married…"

"That was a long time ago. She left me at the altar. Never showed up." Derek shrugs. Rose is barely on his radar anymore, and he hardly remembers how it felt to stand there like an idiot. There are definitely more painful memories after that humiliation. "I took a vacation, cleared my head, dove into surgery head-first as soon as I got back."

"And now you're my new Head of Neuro."

"I am," he sighs.

"Meredith will be working in your department," Richard beams. "She's one of the most brilliant neuro residents we have around. I'm glad she can spend her last years of her residency working under you. I've heard you're brilliant too."

Derek gulps, unsure how much of a good idea it is, having Meredith work under him. She was divine under him in Florence, but he has no idea how she'll be as a subordinate. He only knows that he can hardly breathe, knowing that he found her again, that she'll be within hand's reach, but probably not his anymore.

It's been so long. She was twenty-two last time he saw her, and now she must be what? Twenty-nine. Of course she has someone. A woman as gorgeous as she is has definitely found someone again.

His heart aches.

Derek diverts the conversation to medicine, hoping he can forget about Meredith, but it's impossible. She consumes his thoughts, and he knows he won't feel at peace until he sees her again.

At this point, he knows it's a matter of days, and part of him is scared to death.

* * *

 **A/N: I have no idea how mch you love Annabel Meredith, but I do, so this is not the last of her, even if she's on the other side of the country!**

 **And guess whois in Seattle? I bet you weren't expecting this plot twist, uh? :P Also, aren't you all excited to see Ellis Grey again? And married to Richard nonetheless. I'm pumped! But remember, slow, slow updates!  
**

 **Thank you for the love, guys, you are beyond amazing!**


	3. Wanna Be Alone In La-La Land

**A/N: Welcome back! Apparently, I'm in an updating mood lately.**

 **This chapter isn't overly long, but it's an important piece of the puzzle to see where Derek is standing. Boring? Well, next chapter is definitely going to be more juicy. But for the moment, enjoy some insight into Derek's head. I personally have a lot of fun in there!  
**

 **Songtitle is from the song _Rylan._ It's a pretty unknown song, since it's not in any The National album, but well, YouTube can be a huge source of information. **

**Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Chapter 3 - Wanna Be Alone in La-La Land**

* * *

Derek has been in Seattle for three hours, and all he has done from the moment he exited the airport after parting ways with Richard is wander aimlessly in his rented sedan.

Part of him wanted to follow the guy, track him down, and catch a glimpse of Meredith, but Derek figures it's better if he mentally prepares himself for the shock.

It's been eight years since he last saw her, and he knows his heart will probably stop when he does.

He keeps driving, marveling at how green the suburbs of Seattle are, looking for a place to stay besides the Archfield Hotel, which is now his home base. He wants something to call home at the end of the day. He doesn't need much, a simple two-bedroom apartment would be okay, or even something smaller. He just needs a bed and a kitchen, and maybe a hiking trail nearby.

He'll need the hiking grounds to clear his head if he has to work with Meredith Grey day in and day out.

Derek knows he's completely lost when he spots a wooden gate with a _For Sale_ sign barely hanging onto it and a phone number down below, but he doesn't really care.

He parks the car and looks around, trying to see if there's someone close by to whom he can ask for directions back to the city. He climbs out, opening the gate and walking on the private property.

There's a clearing at the end of the dirt driveway, a beaten up Airstream trailer smack dab in the middle of it. He knocks on the door, but nobody answers. The trailer looks nice, though, even if it is in need of a good clean-up.

He sighs, turning around, and what he sees takes his breath away.

The sun is setting, and the whole city is at his feet. He can see the ferryboats, the Space Needle, and a few more distinctive buildings in the unfamiliar skyline; a calmness washes over him. He opens his arms wide and breathes in, filling his lungs with the fresh smell of soil and woods.

He can see himself building a house here. Settling down. Raising children. He imagines sitting under a porch and holding Meredith in his arms, and a tear escapes down his cheek.

He found her. He found her after eight years, and he knows they're meant to be now.

She's here, he's here, and he suddenly wants everything to be as if he had never left her. Or she had never left him. They probably just left each other. He only knows that this land is going to be his, and he wants to grow old here, Meredith by his side.

* * *

It's dark when Derek decides to get back to the Archfield. It's dark, and he's at peace.

He drives back into town and attempts to see how far the land actually is from his new workplace. He's not impressed by the distance, but it's not like he has anybody waiting for him at home, yet. He'll figure out a compromise to stay on the land, because he's not giving up on it now that he has a meeting with the owner to get the keys for the trailer.

Since he only knows where Seattle Grace and his hotel are, the owner snickered and told him there was a dive that was perfect for their meeting. So now Derek is sitting in a booth in the Emerald City bar, waiting for him with a scotch in his hands.

A guy in a plaid shirt comes in, orders himself a beer and spots him.

"You're Derek Shepherd?"

"I am," he smiles. "Edwin Anderson?"

"That's me. You know, I thought I'd never sell that land," he says with a sigh.

"It's amazing."

"Forty acres is huge. And out of the city… People want comfort."

"I love the view. It's worth the trek." Derek nods, sighing in relief. "What about the trailer?"

"You can have it. I don't need it anymore."

"Really?" Derek smiles. A trailer is perfect for what he needs. "How much do you want for everything?"

Edwin's eyes bug out when Derek just writes him a check for the whole property, and Derek thanks his excellent salary for the crazy expense. Selling his New York apartment also brought in a lot of money, so he doesn't have a problem paying it all upfront. Clearly, the guy appreciates it.

Derek is looking forward to a simpler life, a life where he only has to step out of the house for a hike, and leave all his problems in the city.

He talks with Edwin for a while as they finish their drinks, then the guy leaves him alone, nursing his second scotch as he takes in the bar.

It's a cozy place, the kind of dive that he knows will be a beacon of hope after a hard day at the hospital, considering it's mere steps away from the building. The bartender seems nice as well, and, all around, Derek feels comfortable in Seattle.

Yes, the edge about seeing Meredith again hasn't gone away, but he feels good about the move. He feels like, even without finding Meredith, he would have enjoyed the new city. Only, with Meredith in it, his stay will be definitely better.

Derek thinks he's hallucinating for a moment when he hears a familiar giggle fill his ears, accompanied by the sound of a door closing. He looks around, almost sure that he'll see Meredith there, hoping to see her and dreading the moment at the same time.

She's not here, even though he feels her presence.

He tips the bartender, but he opens a tab as well, then he leaves the bar and drives back to his hotel room, full of hope for the next day ahead of him, his first shift at Seattle Grace Hospital.

He hopes he won't act like an idiot when he sees Meredith Grey again after eight years.

* * *

 **A/N: Everything seems to be falling into place, uh? Thank you for reading this chapter, albeit short!  
**  
 **What do you think Derek's reaction to meeting Meredith will be? I'm curious to hear your thoughts!  
**


	4. I'm Walking With Spiders

**A/N: I wanted to update a lot sooner, but the past couple of weeks have been really exciting, RL-wise. I hope you can forgive me!  
**

 **The title for this chapter comes from _Terrible Love._ I wouldn't consider it a bad omen, though. And the son is amazing. Go listen to it, then enjoy the chapter!**

* * *

 **Chapter 4 - I'm Walking With Spiders**

* * *

Derek is shaking in anticipation.

He has built up the ideal meeting in his head since the day before, and his night was spent in a fitful sleep no matter how comfortable the bed was.

He feels like he has been waiting for Meredith for years. Almost his whole life.

Years of waiting and pretending to be fine, years full of lies and hiding in the back of the hospital to finally catch an uninterrupted night of sleep, soothed by the low, steady buzz of the life-saving machines.

He can hear the difference from Mount Sinai as soon as he enters his new workplace. Spaces are wider, the rumble of moving beds and the elevator dings amplified. The chit-chat of the nurses and orderlies and loved ones sounds a little louder, but a little more whispered at the same time. From the number of people that have stared at him so far, he knows it's teeming with gossips, more than his New York hospital ever was.

Seattle Grace smells faintly of lemon and the lingering smell of blood and sickness that hospitals can never get rid of. It's a weird scent for him, used to the smell of fake clean ocean water Mount Sinai adopted in the last few years. Lemon suits Seattle better.

Lemon makes Seattle smell like a fresh start.

Back in New York, Derek had cleared his schedule, giving away his most urgent patients to other equally good surgeons scattered on the East Coast or asking them to come to Seattle, then he had packed as much as he could of the little stuff he had collected and left.

Now he's already in love with Seattle.

The weather is notoriously gloomy and cloudy, but the city possesses a certain hidden energy that bursts out during its sunny days, like the one that welcomed him; he can relate to this feeling. It's almost as if every time the sun rises high enough, the city wakes up from a long sleep and enjoys life.

This is what he wants to do in Seattle, apart from becoming the best neurosurgeon under the sun: enjoy life.

And enjoy Meredith.

And maybe start enjoying work again as well, and not feel like surgeries are an obligation. He hates what his life had become as of late.

Derek enters Richard's office, his mind trying to focus on the task at hand, not the fact that he's probably going to see Meredith soon. He should focus on the papers he has to sign, the new navy scrubs he's receiving or his fresh pristine lab coat with his full name and titles embroidered there, not Meredith.

He should focus, not wait for a knock at the door.

He begged Richard to see her in private first, not in front of everybody, a little because he knows he won't be very professional and he needs to gain the respect of his staff, but mostly because he doesn't want to scare her away.

They can work together, he knows. If cooking together revealed itself to be so amazing, they will work together magnificently. They might be a kickass team of surgeons.

"Derek, well, Dr. Shepherd now," Richard says with a smile, filing away the papers that set Derek's future in Seattle for the next year. It looks like he is trying to keep Derek here a little longer, clearly sensing that there's a history between him and Meredith that runs much deeper than acquaintances.

"Dr. Webber." He nods back. "I'm glad to be a part of your team."

"After this meeting, there will be a tour, we'll show you the places you'll be spending most of your time in, your office, and then you can get acquainted with your colleagues, watch them work, do whatever you feel like. Okay?"

"Sounds good to me. Will I officially start operating tomorrow, then?"

"Yes, I think it's best. I kept you out of the rotation for the day, but you can jump in on any trauma if you want."

Derek sighs. Depending on how his meeting with Meredith goes, he'll probably need a bloody trauma. "Good, I-"

His sentence is interrupted by a gentle knock on the door and his heart skips a beat. He can't handle a year of skipped beats, can he?

"Come in," Richard says quietly, his voice calm and collected, a far cry from how Derek is feeling. Honestly, he's glad he's sitting down or his knees would have given out at this point. He's shaking in anticipation.

The build-up, the expectations, the fear of rejection, everything is out in the open now, and breathing seems like the hardest of tasks. He gulps, because Meredith is at the door and his world stops.

She's finally here.

"Sorry, I'm late! I was in su– " she mumbles, barely lifting up her head. Then she stops, a stunned expression on her face as she leans heavily against the door she has just opened and closed.

She's just as breathtaking as he remembers. Even clothed, with her hair tied up in a bun and a plain lavender scrub cap in her hands, she knocks the air out of him. He'll never get over how much having Meredith Grey close affects him.

She looks better than she did all those years ago. Her cheeks are fuller, and her whole body has built up a little more fat. Her hair is a shade darker, but maybe it's just the fact that it isn't summer in Italy anymore and she has probably been working instead of going to the beach.

Her blue-gray eyes are the same; her cute button nose that scrunched up in the most adorable way is still the same; her lips, parted in surprise, still rosy and begging to be kissed like usual. Her posture is different, a little more confident than when she was fresh out of college, but he expected it — with the job comes the ego. Her hands are still slender, clutching the scrub cap loosely, almost as if shock has overtaken her whole body.

Here she stands, motionless and speechless, staring at him.

And he stares back.

She's here and she's beautiful and working with him and–

"Derek." She breathes, and he's almost in tears when he hears her say his name again, after so many nights of wishing she could say his name like this.

"Meredith." He tries to fit in the syllables of her name all his love, devotion, adoration, but he feels like he's failing her, or that he failed her already. "Hi," he adds, only because he's embarrassed to have nothing to say to her after so much time spent apart.

"What are you doing here?" she asks, suddenly jittery and scared like a little lost kitten.

"Richard hired me, new Head of Neurosurgery," he replies simply, smiling at her, trying not to make this conversation more awkward than it is.

"Uh, oh, wow. I mean–" She stumbles on her words, her typical fidgeting beginning as she weaves the fabric of her scrub cap back and forth in her hands, twisting it and re-shaping it, her eyes still the ones of a deer caught in the headlights.

"It's so good to see you," he says honestly, biting his lip not to say more, not to add how much he missed her or how he yearns to kiss her. He settles for this light but meaningful truth.

Because it is, good to see her. It's everything.

"You're in Seattle," she says, still a little in disbelief.

"I am. I'll be here for a year, maybe more if I like this place," he says and she stiffens, strangely looking a little more scared than she did a few second before.

"Oh." She sighs, her right hand hovering over her left.

He's almost prepared to see a ring there, clearly on display as she passes her hand through it. Instead, her fingertips rest on a bracelet. Wool or cotton, he can't tell, but surely it doesn't look metal. Blue and green weave in the design, matching her scrubs, her eyes, and her whole soul; just a few strings laced together, simply and effectively. He lets out a gush of air he has no idea he was holding in, then stares back up at her eyes.

"We haven't seen each other in such a long time," he murmurs, completely forgetting that they are still in Richard's office, talking about surgery and not their long lost infatuation. He forgot about Richard a long time ago.

"I know," she says, her voice laced with uncertainty, sadness, and fear. It's almost as if she fears he'll bite back at her for not calling, but he's not going to do such thing and lose her once more. There will be time to address what happened. Now he just wants to look at her so that he knows she's real, and not a figment of his imagination.

"I'm looking forward to working with you." He grins, hoping he can be charming as he stands up and extends his hand towards her. She looks almost hurt at the gesture, like she secretly expected more; or maybe she's simply shell-shocked, like he was when Richard revealed his connection to her on the plane.

She steps closer, holding out her hand to him as well, and they professionally shake hands like he's about to do with every other colleague in his department, trying to look normal, ignoring the baggage and the love and the shivers he feels when his hand brushes hers.

He lingers – he knows he lingers – because she tightens her hold on his hand for an imperceptible second, and he knows there's still something there when she does. He wishes she had all the details of him embedded in her brain like he has, but he's not going to go there so early in their fresh start. There will be time.

"Me too," she says a little breathless, but her lips curve up in a small smile, almost as if she's slowly recovering from the shock like he is.

His whole body melts.

He's touching Meredith Grey again. She's within hand's reach, and she's here. He can see her every day, work with her, talk to her and share his day with her.

Life is good.

* * *

Meredith grimaces imperceptibly when the Chief gives her the rest of the day off to show Derek around, but she quickly schools her mouth into a thin smile.

Richard leaves his office after a quick overview of Derek's contract and his obligations, leaving the two of them alone in the quiet room.

"So." Meredith begins, a little nervously.

"So." Derek grins back, not really needing anything more in life than standing in a room with Meredith —except maybe leaning over and kissing the living daylights out of her.

"I had no idea you would be the new Head of Neurosurgery," she says, sticking to a safe topic. "I heard you made a big name for yourself in New York, but I never expected you to fly to the opposite end of the country for a job." She smiles softly, kindly, easing into the conversation with a grace that had been thoroughly missing in the many doctors he has shared an OR with.

"Well, Richard raved about you." He grins, and she blushes. "I'd like to see you performing the technique of your trial once, show me where all the magic lies." He smiles even wider and her deeper shade of red informs him that maybe he still has the same effect he had on her after they made love.

"I had one scheduled for this afternoon, but I moved it to tomorrow morning, I have an appointment I can't miss," she says, somewhat secretively. She's holding back a whole load of information, but he doesn't pry. It's not the moment to pry, yet.

"Can I watch from the gallery?"

"Maybe I can let you scrub in. I don't think the OR I'll be in has a gallery."

"Wow," he blurts, before he can catch himself.

"Who knows, maybe someday you can be needle number two." She smirks slyly, and in that moment he knows she's the same Meredith he left at JFK.

She exits the room with a twirl, leaving behind the same scent of lavender he has missed for so long and has tried to unsuccessfully replicate so many times. He hopes they can keep their relationship this light and happy, no matter what happened between them. He has missed this Meredith for so long, he hopes he can enjoy her happiest self.

When he finally catches up with her after his momentary hesitation, she's speaking on the phone in hushed tones, smiling brightly.

"Did you?" she says, grin widening, her voice soft and low.

Derek watches her carefully, mesmerized. The frown of surprise after their first meeting has relaxed in comfort and familiarity as she leans against the wall.

"Look, I have to go back to work, but I'll be at the game on time. I'll drive you." Her grin seems to dim as he walks towards her but her voice is still happy.

"Bye, baby," she says, ending the call with a smile that leaves even more things unsaid.

For a moment, and for the first time since he has seen her again, he wonders if she has a significant other in her life. Somebody who plays some kind of sport and she's supposed to pick up later.

Her appointment must be a date, hence the secret smile.

Derek feels his resolutions crumble; the seed he carefully planted that was already trying to take roots is evicted from his chest. He's too late. He waited too long and somebody else got to Meredith first.

She straightens up, looking at him with a completely different expression than the one she had while she talked, her features returning to professional, maybe borderline friendly, but nothing more.

Derek knows she loves the person she was just talking with and it stings. It makes his heart ache and his eyes fill with tears, but he can't fall apart now; he will have time later.

"Sorry about this. Are you hungry?" she asks bluntly, out of the blue, her turn to blindside him.

"Uh – " He stutters, not really knowing where to go from there, his mind too busy making up the features of the potential partner at the other end of the call.

"Okay, I'll show you the way to the cafeteria, even if the food quality is debatable at times. Better have a tour with our stomach full." She rambles and he finds himself missing their easy, pointless banters, in various means of transportation, museums or through the cities they had visited together. He's not sure they will ever get back to that, now that she has someone who loves her waiting for her every night.

He follows her on autopilot, and she guides him through the hallways, the two of them receiving weird stares as they walk together, side by side, touching-but-not, her body heat close to his, her stance possessive, like she owns the place, yet gentle as usual.

Maybe she's not the same Meredith he left in Italy, after all.

"Okay, this is the surgical floor." She grins, and he has no idea what has gotten into her, going from shell-shocked to...bouncy? He can't find a better term to describe it. She looks a bit too excited to show around a fellow surgeon.

As he remembers her call, he realizes that the person who called holds a great power over her. Maybe a bigger power than the one he held over her or she held over him back in Italy, and he wonders for a moment if what he feels is just infatuation and this, what she has just displayed, true love.

Maybe it's best if he ignores the fact altogether and keeps following her all over the hospital wings.

"Nurses' station." Meredith pats the desk onto which she's leaning slightly. "Do not talk about your personal business here or nearby if you don't want it plastered all over the hospital," she adds, probably speaking from experience.

He wonders if she and the receiver of the call or hypothetical significant other have been caught by said nurses at some point. It makes his stomach churn, the idea of her being with someone else, so he shuts up that little part of his brain nagging at him.

"And beware of Ellis Grey." She smirks.

He can't help but smile back, nostalgia kicking in. "Yep, beware the Chief of Staff indeed."

"I showed you where most of the neurological patients stay, I figured you'd need to know that first and foremost." Meredith smiles again, though it's a little duller now, more collected, more professional.

She's about to walk away when they're interrupted by a voice that sounds vaguely familiar to his ears all of a sudden.

"Who's man-candy here?" The voice cuts between their non-existent conversation. "I'd better say McDreamy."

There's a certain sarcasm seeping in the tone of the statement and when he turns around he immediately recognizes Cristina, the girl they picked up at a service station on their way to Venice and who spent a few days with them.

"Cristina!" Meredith yelps, groaning loudly and turning a deep shade of red, just like the first time Cristina used the nickname for him.

"I remember her," he says smugly, making Cristina grin.

" _Doctor_ Yang for you, Dr. McDreamy." She corrects him with a pleased smile and he quickly mirrors her expression."Cardiothoracic. We won't be working together much, luckily." She snarls, like she already hates him on principle; he knows now that something has definitely changed.

It didn't sound like one of the sneaky remarks she used to describe him, there was something else. He suspects that maybe Meredith has talked about him and his mere appearance is a good reason for hatred.

"What brings you here, Dr. Yang?"

"I could ask the same to you," she snickers back.

"Okay, then. I'm the new Head of the Neurosurgery department," he says, gloating a little. He worked a lifetime to be able to say it, after all. "What about you?"

"I got bored of California after finishing my degree at Stanford. Been with Grey here ever since." She shrugs. "People at Mount Sinai kicked you out?"

"I – " He hesitates, unsure what to reply to her snarls. "Richard offered the position, I accepted," he says, deciding to play secretive too. Then again, he can't just tell her – and Meredith – that he has been like a lost puppy in New York without Meredith.

"You changed," Cristina says, like an acknowledgment and not an accusation, and he has no idea what to make of it.

"I did." He nods after his simple reply.

Because he surely has changed and he's not about to deny it. Meredith has changed him.

* * *

The tour proceeds smoothly, in spite of all the walls standing between the two of them, of how guarded Meredith is whenever Derek gets too close.

Derek is not sure how to behave either, he only knows he feels a certain kind of peace he thought he'd never experience again. No matter what, she makes him feel better. He gathered from the phone call that she might not be available anymore, but he at least wants to be friends. He loved being her friend, just like they did at the beginning of their Europe romp, and he wants to get back to that kind of relationship.

He doesn't want to give up on her again.

He's calm and collected as soon as she bids him goodbye at the hospital entrance, the jitters of seeing her again replaced by a quiet familiarity, now. Derek can honestly say this peace is what he missed more of her.

He drives around the city following his GPS distractedly, wanting to get lost on purpose. He wanders towards the outskirts of Seattle, along the waterfront first, and then deciding to explore even further.

Derek drives for a long time, almost emptying the tank of his rented BMW, and yet not caring about that. He drives until he finds himself on a hill, back to the place he now calls home.

The trailer is gleaming, beckoning him in.

The place barely looks like a home, though he wants to make it one. He wonders what home looks like for Meredith, and her maybe significant other. He wonders if they're living together already; shudders at the idea of them having a family.

In all honesty, all his sisters – except Amelia – already had babies at the age of twenty-nine. Even if they were doctors.

The elation of seeing Meredith quickly turns into nausea, and he's glad he stopped to buy scotch during his wandering.

Derek is even happier the old trailer comes furnished with tumblers, or he wouldn't have minded drinking straight from the bottle for today.

* * *

He's halfway through his first scotch glass when his phone rings, and he groans. Too bad it's within reach and he can clearly see Lizzie's name on the display.

"Uncle Derek!" Annie shouts in his ear.

He looks at his watch, frowning. "Annabel, it's almost midnight in New York, what are you doing up?"

"I had a bad dream where you were not coming back to visit again, so I wanted to call you and hear your voice."

Derek feels his heart squeeze in his chest. "Oh, Annie, of course I will come back at some point. And I told you to call, so I'm glad you did."

"I'm not." Derek hears his sister's muffled voice and smiles. Annabel's voice is ten times better than scotch.

"Uncle Derek, can you tell me a story about Seattle so I can fall back to sleep?"

Derek sighs loudly, pausing dramatically, then starting one of his usual made-up adventures he always reserved for Annabel. He often wondered what it would be like to tell his future children about brave knights saving princesses in forests or wild animals suddenly helping out a damsel in distress. This time is no different.

Usually, his kids look strikingly like Meredith, especially when he imagines little girls. This time, the more Meredith-like feature they have is her smile, and he has to swallow a lump in his throat to keep telling the story.

He yearns to be a father, and he yearns to have a family with Meredith, but he's not sure that will ever become his reality. He doesn't want to be Uncle Derek forever, but maybe this is the best he can have.

Maybe Seattle is where he'll find his peace about that, too.

"She's asleep." Derek hears his sister's whisper, then a door closing gently. "How's Seattle, apart from being crowded with magical creatures?"

He chuckles. "It's good for me. I love it here."

"Have you found a place to stay? Jon told me he knows a guy there…"

"I found a place. And no, it doesn't have guest rooms. Unless you're okay with camping. I'm sure Annie would love it."

"Camping? Are you living in a tent like a fugitive?"

"No. But I bought some land. Forty acres, to be exact."

"What?!" The disbelief is clearly evident in Lizzie's exclamation.

"I'm going to build a house here, don't worry, but it came with a trailer, so the house can wait."

"For what?"

"For when the time feels right, Liz. Why should I build a house when it's just me? If somebody comes along and we want to start a family, then I'll consider it. It's too early now. The trailer is enough."

"I hope you're not going nuts there, Derek. You're starting to worry me."

"And now you sound like Mom," he says, jokingly.

"Take that back!" Lizzie laughs genuinely, which makes Derek smile too.

"Of course I'm not."

"Oh, you're still the same idiot, at least."

"I miss you and the family, Lizzie," he says, admitting his weakness.

Lizzie's tone softens. "We miss you too. You heard Annie…"

"Has that happened often? The nightmares?"

"No, but she constantly asks about you."

"I often think about her, too. Tell her it's fine if she calls me at odd hours. I'll probably be working anyways."

"Don't work too much, though. Mom will have my ass if she knows you're burying yourself in the hospital and I was aware of it."

"I'll work when I need to. I do have a department to run, remember?"

"Of course," she snickers. "I'm glad you're settling okay, though." Her voice is soft once again, and he's glad. Derek is glad he has people who care about him, no matter what.

"I am. I'll keep you updated. Goodnight, Lizzie!"

"Night, Der. I love you."

"I love you, too."

Derek caps his scotch and stores it away in an empty cabinet, regretting not buying something for breakfast the next day. Guess he'll have to find a nice place for a bagel.

* * *

 **A/N: They finally met! And Derek has all these theories about what Meredith has been up to in all the years they have been apart. What's your take? I'm so curious to know what you're thinking!  
**

 **Thank you for reading and sticking with my slow updates! You guys are amazing.**


	5. I'm Having Trouble Inside My Skin

**A/N: Welcome back! Last chapter was intense, this is a little more on the thoughtful side. It's short, but it's important, anyway. And a new chapter is coming sooner than usual, most likely, so don't despair!  
**

 **Title of the chapter comes from _Slipped._ I would be amazed if anybody listened to the songs, still, but I'm telling you next chapter's title comes from the same song, so if you want a preview...**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Chapter 5 - I'm Having Trouble Inside My Skin**

* * *

Loving Meredith Grey has always been complicated, but it feels even more complicated now that she barely acknowledges his existence.

Derek has tried to be nice to her, but of course she complains about favoritism and not being treated like every other resident, so all his weapons to at least rebuild their friendship are slowly being destroyed.

One thing for sure, Meredith might have changed, but she's still as stubborn as she was when he first met her. He still buys coffee for her either way.

Derek has a late start today, since his first surgery is scheduled at ten, and he still doesn't have all that much paperwork to go through that require him to come in at seven. A late start though means that Meredith is already in surgery when he arrives at Seattle Grace.

He's a little disappointed her coffee will get cold, but if he finds her locker he might still be able to give her the croissant he bought.

Derek walks closer to the nurses' station, unsure if he should ask them about the residents' locker room or not, since this is the station with good gossip. He doesn't want to be part of the rumor mill three days into his contract. But, all the other desks are far away, and this is his only option.

"Hello, Dr. Shepherd." Nurse Debbie greets him warmly, as her usual. Her eyes though are always scrutinizing everybody, hoping to see or gather more gossip. "Here is your schedule for the day. Your intern will be Dr. Brooks."

He has high hopes for Heather Brooks; he hopes she won't be as slow as the other interns he had before. Dr. Murphy was a disaster and Dr. Ross, while extremely skilled, had no interest in Neuro whatsoever, which never helps. It's too bad Meredith comes with interns, because he would have been happy to be done with them for the rest of his career. The fact that Seattle Grace is a teaching hospital is probably one of its best features and one of the reasons he sometimes regrets moving here.

"Who is Dr. Brooks' resident?" he asks, curious to get to know all of Meredith's interns.

"Dr. Grey." Debbie smirks knowingly, and he feels even more under scrutiny.

"Can you…?"

"Page Dr. Brooks? I already did. And also Dr. Grey. Sent her a message to let her know Brooks is with you."

Derek is surprised by the efficiency. No wonder they have time to gossip. "Thank you so much. Can I have the chart for my first surgery?"

Nurse Debbie points to a small pile in front of him with a smile. All his chart for the day. "You're welcome, Dr. Shepherd."

After that smile he has the suspicion she's trying to flirt with him. Wow. He truly hopes not. His heart is already too busy to care, anyways.

He has barely rounded the corner with his pile of charts before he hears Nurse Debbie speaking again.

"Oh boy, he's handsome."

"And he doesn't have a ring on his finger either," Olivia, the other nurse, says.

"Too bad I have one!" Nurse Debbie snickers, making Nurse Olivia giggle too. "Are you snatching him?"

"I'm taken too, Debbie. He's a pretty decent guy. Do you think Dr. Torres might like him?"

"Haven't you heard? She likes girls now. She's going out with the new Peds doctor."

"Oh, wow. This hospital is getting every day more interesting." Derek chuckles. If Mark heard this, he'd definitely move here just for the quality of the gossip.

"What about Dr. Grey?" Debbie says, though she shakes her head right after. "Right, she's not on the market."

"It's a shame, though. I can actually see them together."

"Well, who knows? Maybe he can change her mind?"

Derek smiles. He knows he'll definitely try to do that, even if it means buying her coffee every morning for a year. He feels bad if he'll break up a pretty stable relationship, though, so he wants to make sure nothing of the sorts will happen if he starts pursuing her for real.

He decides that he has heard enough for the day, that doing paperwork will be a lot more productive.

Derek hides in his office, only welcoming in Dr. Brooks. He sends her with Mr. Palacio through all the pre-op tests, grateful that the minions can run around for him, now.

A pretty beaten Meredith shows up at his door right after he finished Mr. Palacio's surgery.

"You have Brooks today?" she says, no kind of introduction or greeting before that.

Derek lifts up his eyes, a smile stretching on his lips before he sees the sadness in Meredith's. "I have her. She's not too shabby, Dr. Grey."

"Annoying sometimes, but decent, I agree." She sighs loudly.

"Are you okay?" Derek blurts, before he can stop himself.

Meredith rolls her eyes. "I lost a patient right while I was closing him up after a flawless emergency craniotomy but yeah, I'm doing great."

"I'm sorry –"

"Don't bother." She's already on her way out before he stops her.

"Wait! Here," he says, offering her the paper bag with the croissant. "Better if you heat it up in the microwave. I'm sorry I couldn't give it to you this morning."

Meredith peeks in the bag, then she sighs even more loudly. "Stop this."

"You're my friend, Meredith."

"I'm your resident! You can't be so nice to me, then yell at me. And you have to yell at me when I do stupid things, because that's how I learn. I'm here to learn, Derek. I'm not here to have a good time!"

It stings, how harsh her words are. "I want to still think we can be friends, Meredith."

"Well, outside of here! This is way too friendly anyway. Do you think I don't eat enough?"

Derek looks at her, blinking, stunned for a moment. He wants to tell her no, that she's perfect and yes, he wants to be more than her friend, but nothing of the sort exits his mouth.

"You know what? I'm tired. I have paperwork to finish. Just...do your thing and I'll do mine." She stomps out of his office, her simple "Goodbye, Dr. Shepherd" spoken when she's already in the hallway.

Derek has no clue what to do with her anymore, except letting her be and blaming the loss of the patient. He's iffy about buying her coffee again though; he doesn't want to have his head chewed off again in that authoritarian tone.

If she were someone else he would have probably reported her already, but she's Meredith.

He needs to work on separating his life and his work. He's glad Meredith has it all figured out after only three days.

He'll need her to keep himself grounded.

* * *

 **A/N: I know there's a lot of Derek's POV here, but Meredit's is coming. I need to hide her (and her secrets!) for a bit longer, so keep the patience!**

 **And again, next chapter's title is in the song lyrics of _Slipped - The National._ Happy searching! **


	6. I Try To Keep My Skeletons In

**A/N: Now that the reveal is here, I'm curious about those who actually listened to the song and guessed this title! Anyone? Remember, it's from _Slipped_ by _The National_ and it's connected to the title of the last chapter.  
**

 **This is a big one. This one answers some - but not all - of your questions. Of course I have to keep some of the mystery alive...**

 **Enjoy, it's a longer one than usual!**

* * *

 **Chapter 6 - I Try To Keep My Skeletons In**

* * *

Derek Shepherd likes consults with kids.

Children usually lift his spirits, even during his darkest days. For a while he thought about going into pediatric neurosurgery, but dismissed it promptly when he realized how selfish he was being. Yet, he used his nieces and nephews as loneliness therapy, and welcomes with open arms the sincere smiles of the kids post-op, right before discharge.

As much as he likes the complex cases – and kids could have the weirdest diseases – he definitely prefers when his consults end up being just a blow in the head.

"Hello there." Derek smiles brightly at the boy with short, dark blond hair on the gurney. He's fidgeting with his gown, grimacing every time he moves his left arm. Next to him there's another boy just about his age, maybe a year or so younger, though his hair is darker and a little longer. He's quietly standing next to the gurney, holding an ice pack and a pair of glasses.

"Hi, I'm Ethan." The boy on the gurney smiles as brightly as he can, placing the ice pack on the back of his head again, wincing. "This is Logan, my brother," he adds, gesturing to the other boy in the room, who smiles when their eyes meet. Derek has no idea why Logan's smile looks so familiar all of a sudden.

"Hi, Ethan, I'm Dr. Shepherd; I'm here to examine you." Derek smiles, pulling his penlight out of his labcoat.

"Can we wait for my Mom? Oma at least...They work here," Ethan says, sighing deeply.

"Oma?" Derek feels compelled to ask, confused by the term of endearment, all the while he goes through the entire staff he knows to guess whose people he belongs to.

"In German it's grandmother, but my Oma is too cool to feel old so we pretend it means Other Mom." Ethan grins, his whole face lightening up with boyish mischief, though he winces when he tries to move. Logan giggles quietly next to him.

"Look I'm not gonna hurt you..."

"I know," Ethan says annoyed, then adds boldly: "Are you a neurosurgeon?"

"I'm the Head of the Department of Neurosurgery here, kid." Derek snickers, marveling a little at how smart the kid sounds all of a sudden.

"Okay, I'm back." A woman in her thirties steps back behind the curtain, a little frazzled and with her phone in her hands. "I'm sorry," she apologizes, "I'm his teacher, Miss Wickinson, I was just making sure his mother had been paged."

"No problem." Derek smiles gently, as he starts checking the boy's pupils. He's mesmerized by the blue hue, and they fortunately react to light just as they should. "What happened?" he asks.

The boy proceeds to not-so eagerly tell him the whole story, start to finish.

* * *

 _Ethan sighs as he ties his training shoes._

 _He hates gym class._

 _It's not that he's not good at sports, he likes sports, it's just that all the other guys are always tougher than him, and he's always left out as the skinny, worthless one._

 _Especially when they play tag football._

 _Sometimes he wishes he could stay quiet on the sidelines and just be, instead of being tackled to the ground. He hates that his brother is so much better than him at sports, though nobody ever lets him play anything, not even Mom._

 _"C'mon Grey, are you ready to get your butt kicked?" His nemesis' voice fills his ears, making him heave out a deep breath._

 _"Yes, Malcom, you'll win." He sighs, resigned, then exits the changing room and drags his feet outside to the field._

 _Malcom is a big, bulky kid, his buzzcut sporting a couple of old scars, his eyes dull and angry. Ethan is glad they don't have any other class together aside from gym class, otherwise he would have been a dead kid._

 _When they play basketball or dodgeball he can usually be decent at it, but when they step on the grass outside, all his coordinating abilities seem to disappear. His mother told him that he inherited that from her but for once he wishes he'd have a father who told him he was a klutz too when he used to play soccer or football as a kid._

 _"Okay!" The teacher begins, full of energy. "I'll divide you in two teams: girls, you can play soccer on that side of the field; boys, you'll play tag football. We'll switch the sports in half an hour," she concludes perkily, too perkily for Ethan's likings._

 _And of course, Ethan gets assigned to the team who plays against Malcom's. As if playing tag football for half an hour wasn't bad enough._

 _He follows the directions the captain of his team gives to all of them, unsure of what he could do otherwise; so far, his technique seems to work._

 _When it's their turn to attack though, he knows he has to run. He likes to run, it's probably the only thing he's good at, so they always use him that way._

 _What he doesn't expect is to feel someone tackling his legs, apparently out of nowhere, making him fall on his back._

 _Ethan knows he probably hit his head, because what happens next is just a blur. The first coherent thing he remembers is Miss Wickinson's blurred face hovering over him. Of course his glasses are nowhere to be found._

 _"Grey!" she calls out, but his head is pounding a little too loudly to reply. "Ethan!" she enforces, worry seeping into her tone._

 _"Ouch." He grimaces, not caring that he could articulate so much more._

 _"Did you hit your head?"_

 _"I guess," he says, attempting to stand up but feeling an incredible pain in his left arm and dizzy as ever._

 _When he throws up, the teacher has her phone ready in her hand to call 911._

 _"Miss Wickinson," Ethan says in a shaky voice, his throat feeling raw, his mouth pasty as he lays on the grass with his eyes closed. "Page my Mom," he murmurs, "bring me to Seattle Grace Hospital and just page her."_

 _"Oh, your Mommy works there." Ethan hears Malcom's annoying voice mocking him, but he can't really care about fending off the bully._

 _"She's a surgeon, you idiot!" Logan, his baby brother, growls next to him, and he'd smile if he wasn't in so much pain. Also, Logan hands him his glasses again, and he's grateful he's not alone against Malcom anymore._

 _"What?"_

 _"I can ask her how to make you cry like a baby and I'm sure she'll tell me," Logan prompts, allowing his mean side to shine. His brother is usually the even-tempered, merry-go-lucky one, but when he gets angry, he's unstoppable._

 _"Oh, Wimpy to the rescue!" Malcom mocks him, and if he weren't injured, Ethan would have already punched him in the face._

 _"Shut up Mellegh, leave us alone!" Logan fires, and Ethan is relieved when he hears Malcom step away._

 _"Thank you," he whispers to his brother, grateful that the commotion has subsided. His pounding headache is not helping matters either._

 _"You okay, Ethan?" Logan asks, his eyes staring deeply into his, full of concern._

 _"I believe I broke my arm, but I think that Mom will be more worried about the blow in the head." He sighs. "I just hope she's not in surgery."_

 _"I'm here, it will be okay," Logan says. Ethan is grateful for the quiet support._

 _"I know." Ethan smiles back._

 _Silence settles between them as Ethan's head pounds, but it's soon broken by the teacher coming back. "Okay, I'm going to follow you to the hospital and stay with you until your mother comes," she announces, worry still filling her tone._

 _"Hm mmm," Ethan mumbles, not really caring. He just wants to see his mom._

 _"Can I stay with him? Please?" Logan asks tentatively, only winning a stern look from the teacher._

 _"Logan, you can't..."_

 _"He's my brother," he roars, grabbing Ethan's shoulder firmly. "He's always with me when I'm sick."_

 _"Fine," the teacher relents, shaking her head. "Let's go, Greys," Miss Wickinson intimates. "Can you walk?"_

 _"Uh, yeah?" Ethan says, fighting the dizziness, not really sure about his physical faculties at this point._

* * *

"So, they tackled you, eh?" Derek grins after he hears the story in full, checking the boy's head with his hands, feeling him flinch when he touches the growing bump on the occipital side of his skull.

"Yep." Ethan admits, his cheeks turning pink.

"I got a very minor concussion when I was in high school. Sometimes I still wonder why I wanted to play hockey so badly." Derek winks and Ethan smiles back, sharing a look with Logan.

Derek feels some kind of kinship with the boy, but he has no idea why. Maybe because he had the same kind of wild hair when he was his age, or maybe because he was just as scrawny and lean as the boy is, but this consult definitely turned around his day, otherwise filled with dull surgeries and two unavoidable losses.

"I believe my arm is broken." Ethan breathes out, strangely knowing when the examination was almost over, almost as if he had already been through something similar.

"We'll get to that." Derek grins, not wanting to miss any steps. "Have you ever hit your head this way before?"

"I kind of did." Ethan blushes again, looking even younger and more vulnerable. "I was running down the stairs and slipped and..."

"Nothing broken then?"

"Mom flipped enough without broken bones. I don't think I'll survive the night when she knows about my arm." Ethan admits, letting out a shaky, worried breath, while Logan, Derek, and the teacher burst into laughter.

"I'm pretty sure the only thing your mother will want to do is hug you, Ethan," Miss Wickinson interjects, squeezing her pupil's shoulder.

"I have to agree with her," Derek confirms, moving his examination down to the arm and the wrist.

Ethan flinches.

"I'll call for x-rays when your mother comes." Derek smiles reassuringly as he confirms the diagnosis the boy made on himself, noting all information in Ethan's ER chart. "Any dizziness? Difficulties walking or talking?"

"I threw up in the field, but we just had lunch. I hate gym class after lunch." Ethan groans after the explanation. "Mom says it's weird they put it at such a strange hour, but yeah, Oma packs the best lunches, and they're not light."

Derek laughs, remembering the lunches his own Nana made.

Before they could share more about their grandmothers, the curtain of the bed is thrown open and a flurry of navy scrubs and lighter surgical gowns barges in the cubicle, pulling the boy into the tightest hug.

"Mom, Mom!" The boy protests, turning up the corners of Derek's smile. He remembers his own mother hugging him like this, and he feels a certain longing. He should call her tonight.

"Oh, my God! Are you okay, Ethan?"

Despite the woman is giving Derek her back, the smile dies on his lips, the memories disappearing, and Derek freezes on the spot, in shock.

He recognizes that voice. And the scrub cap. And her back.

"My arm is broken, I think we're waiting for x-rays," Ethan replies to her, trying to smile even though he looks clearly worried.

"Oh, God." The woman begins her own examination of the bump, not caring an iota that Derek is still standing right there. Derek is lucky it gives him more time to process what is happening.

"I'm okay, I just...I got tackled badly on the field." Ethan flinches again, clearly feeling smothered. Derek would have laughed at his reaction, so similar to his own, if this kid belonged to any other woman.

"I'm sorry I couldn't come sooner," she whispers, crushing the boy in another hug before brushing back his hair soothingly and kissing his forehead. "Logan, what are you doing here?" She splutters again, turning to the other boy in the room, her tone just as worried.

"I'm okay, Mom. I'm here for Ethan. He's always there when I'm in the hospital."

Both boys are pulled into the same hug then, as her body sags and she breathes deeply.

Only then, as her eyes lift up, she meets Derek's gaze, and he has the final confirm that yes, Ethan and Logan are Meredith's sons.

His whole world shifts on its axis.

Everything he based his new life in Seattle on, his ideas for getting Meredith back are blown away, because clearly, she has moved on with someone else and built a family. The basketball player she calls so often is not simply her lover, he's the father of her children.

Nothing can top that. Derek has to step away. He can't break up a family. He's not that guy.

He understands her reluctance to get closer and catch up then, her evasive demeanor every time he pushed for a date or coffee or anything that could happen beyond the walls of this hospital.

Meredith has two sons. Two.

Side by side, Ethan looks a lot like Meredith, except for the eyes, color and crinkles. And his hair is curlier, not much like Meredith's, except in color. He's undoubtedly her son though, because every other inch of him screams Meredith. Even his personality, or what little Derek knows of him, seems to be molded around his mother's. Logan definitely favors his father, with darker hair and the same blue eyes Ethan has. Their frames are similar, though Logan is shorter than Ethan, and Logan definitely looks more shy and reserved now than Ethan. He also looks younger, but not by much, a year or so is Derek's best bet. Also, Ethan is the only one wearing glasses at the moment.

"Derek." Meredith whispers, her voice wavering, as she pulls the boys a little closer.

"I'm the Neuro consult," he says lamely, needing to fill the silence, trying to lighten up the atmosphere, if only for the smart boys sitting between them. "He approved the head of the department examining him."

"Ethan Hudson!" She scolds him, her eyes just a little wider. Is she Meredith Hudson now on legal papers? He can't even contemplate the possibility.

"What? Cristina says to have only the best. You weren't coming and Oma is too busy." Ethan sighs, leaning his head against his mother's shoulder.

"We couldn't examine you either, silly. Hospital policy." Meredith kisses the top of his head, and Derek is both in awe and green with envy for Ethan's father, the man that can see this side of Meredith every day.

"I know. I still wanted you here." Ethan dismantles all his walls then, in a way that only children can do, and Meredith and Derek melt on the spot.

"I'm sorry I didn't answer the page right away." Her voice turns soft, apologetic, Derek hardly recognizes her at this point.

"You were in surgery..."

"It's not a valid excuse." She sighs resolutely, running her hand through her hair in a motion that is so familiar yet so foreign to Derek. "I'm glad you kept paging me until I answered."

"I had Logan do that." Ethan giggles. "We know you, Mom." The boy smiles brightly, and Derek has no more words after the exchange.

He watches how tenderly Meredith kisses the top of his head again and sits next to Ethan, pulling him into a loose hug, gathering Logan on her other side, and placing a kiss on his forehead too.

"How is he doing?" She finally looks up at Derek then, apologies written all over her features, clearly begging him to drop the questions. Derek wonders if he'll ever get answers.

"Apart from the arm, he has a minor concussion, but I believe he'll get home as good as new," he says giving her a tight, stunned smile. "I'm just gonna go then. I'll send someone for the x-rays." He sighs, then signs Ethan's chart and smiles at the boys. "Take care Ethan. It was nice meeting you, Logan," he murmurs, before walking away.

"Bye Dr. Shepherd!" they chorus.

Derek forced-out smile disappears, his pager already in his hands to call for one of the best residents on the floor, almost tempted to make Ethan VIP as Derek walks back to his office, his head swirling.

* * *

"Derek!" He hears Meredith calling out after him after he bolts out of the exam room. "Derek!" she shouts again, but he's already out of the ER, walking straight into an elevator.

He can't listen to her apologies, her excuses, or about her new love story with the father of her boys. He just wants to get back to work.

She speeds up enough to put her hand in between the doors. The elevator is blissfully empty, except for Derek, as soon as she's able to slip inside.

He glares at her, unable to help it then now that her sons aren't there to mediate the tension between them. He looks past her shoulders at the doors closing. She stands next to him, but he barely acknowledges her.

"Not many people know about Ethan and Logan, Derek," she says simply, but he moves even farther from her. "They are my whole world. They come first."

Silence fills the cab again.

He turns to look at Meredith with an unreadable expression on his face, stunned to hear his Meredith speaking so highly of children she had with someone who wasn't him. He can't help but feel nauseous.

"They are good kids." He forces out a reply, then he storms out as soon as the doors open, even if it's not his floor, the need to either cry or punch someone having the better of him.

He needs to think, to reorganize his life, and he can't do that while Meredith is standing there next to her sons, tears in her eyes, looking as beautiful as the day he met her eight years before.

He needs to think and not see Meredith Grey for a while.

* * *

 **A/N: Uh oh...What's going on here? :P Who do you think is the mysterious man in Meredith's life, aka baby daddy? And what do you think Derek will do next?  
**

 **This was a quick chapter update compared to my standards, but I don't know when the next one will be. Enjoy this meaty update for now, and keep speculating! Thank you for reading!**


	7. We've Got Another Thing Coming Undone

**A/N: Welcome back! We're still with Derek here, but you won't feel deprived, trust me. Especially since there's a little bit of insight form Meredith at some point!**

 **The title is from _Runaway_. Which fits even better than I thought it would. Thank you, _The National_.  
**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Chapter 7 - We've Got Another Thing Coming Undone**

* * *

Scotch makes his vision dance.

The stars Derek sees from the skylight in the trailer seem brighter, sparkling more, mocking him. Mocking all his hopes of getting Meredith back.

If Meredith has two sons, she definitely has a baby daddy somewhere, somebody that won't go away just because he showed up again. Somebody he doesn't want to replace, because he believes in fathers blindly. He doesn't want to deprive Logan and Ethan of their father.

Ethan and Logan.

They're pretty remarkable kids. He has a drink to that. And how well-behaved they were for being younger than seven and in a hospital. Annabell would have had a harder time not freaking out if one of her siblings got hurt in school and she witnessed it.

Logan is the quieter of the two, that Derek has gathered, but he was not too shocked to be there for his hurt big brother – at least he assumes Logan is the youngest. Ethan instead seemed unfazed by the whole experience, just begging to see Meredith.

He can see a lot of Meredith in them, and that makes him drink more.

If he drinks himself into oblivion, he's sure he might see the features of the kids' dad show up, too.

He calls the hospital before he's too drunk, faking a stomachache as if he were in first grade himself.

The alcohol numbs his guilt anyway.

Self-pity and self-deprecation are the way to go.

* * *

It's his phone that wakes him up the following morning. It wasn't really sleeping, more like a drunken stupor, since Derek finds himself passed out on his folding couch, cheap scotch still in his hand.

He knows it was bad when he sees he drained the bottle that tastes like shit.

The ringing of the phone stops, but not the one in his head. Everything is fuzzy, except the faces of Ethan and Logan. And Meredith, holding them close, protecting them from the world.

Sometimes, during the darkest of days, he imagined having a family with her, two or three kids, a house with a yard, and lots of barbecuing in the summer, instead of working. He imagined taking his boys fishing and dressing up to please his little girls.

His fantasies could never picture clear faces, except now they all look like Ethan and Logan.

The two boys are not his to claim, they have a dad somewhere, a man that loves them and cares about them and takes them fishing. A man that can love Meredith in a way she deserves.

He failed her. He's a failure.

The phone starts ringing again and he blindly answers just to shut it off.

"Derek?" He can hear the faint whisper of his mother's voice and he groans loudly.

"Hey," he croaks, his voice raw from the lack of usage and the binge drinking. He closes his eyes, flopping back on the bed a mere step away.

"Did I wake you? It's almost eleven, I thought you were at work," his mother says, and he almost feels guilty.

"I had the day off."

"Oh, I'm so sorry. You said you were going to call two nights ago and then I never heard from you, so I was getting worried."

"Yeah, I...I didn't have a good day, yesterday, Ma."

Derek hopes his mother won't pry, but of course she does. She always pries. "What happened?"

"Just...work. A special patient gave me bad news." Vague is the way to go. But clearly, vague is not enough. He can feel it in the way his mother is breathing into the phone that she wants more. "I'll be okay tomorrow, after I clear my head."

"I'm sorry, sweetheart." At least her tone is sincere, but he feels already irritated. His patience is thin after drinking all that much alcohol. "Apart from yesterday, how's work treating you?"

Derek groans. He knows the implication of that. Her real question is how it is for him to work with Meredith, but she's not voicing it. And so he plays dumb. "The hospital is lovely. I like it a lot here. It feels good, being here." Or at least it did. He's not sure what tomorrow will bring.

"Even working with Meredith?" He almost hisses in pain when she says her name. He wasn't expecting his mom to be so bold, but she clearly is the same woman she was when she gave him closet time-outs.

"Yes." His answer is so clipped and forced out that she reads straight through him.

"Derek…"

"I treated her son yesterday, Ma. Meredith has two school-aged sons. And I…"

"Oh, Derek, my sweet boy…"

"I know you're about to say that it doesn't mean anything, but Ma, one kid could be a drunken accident, could be anything, two is clearly a relationship. She had someone who loved her enough to have two kids with her. And I don't wanna replace him. I want her to be happy with the choice she made. I want them all to be happy."

"It's okay for you to need a moment to figure that out, Derek."

"Mom, it's over, it's done; I lost her. I lost my chance. I had the most amazing, perfect woman with me for a season and I was too chicken to make the first move and I lost her. I deserve everything I've been dealt."

"You were respecting her wishes, Derek. You even went to Dartmouth and looked for her."

"Well, I guess she was already in Seattle. Her mother needed her, and she stayed, I have no idea. Maybe she met the perfect guy here, who knows? I know nothing about her except that I still love her and I have no idea how to stop, so please, just...stop talking. Stop pitying me."

His breathing is labored after the rant to his mother, and yet, she lets him be. She would let him yell at her for the rest of the day if he felt like it, and he almost wants to burst into tears.

This is probably the very first time in decades that he misses his mom and wants to hug her more than anything in the world.

"Derek, ask her what happened. Do not jump to conclusions. You tend to do that a lot, you see a train and you immediately assume where it's coming from or where it's going, but you often miss the stations in between. Ask her what happened, and then see where to go from there."

"I'm not destroying a family!"

"Then keep wallowing in your self-pity instead of getting the facts and moving on."

"Stop! Stop telling me I need to move on! I know I need to move on, but I can't! I can't!"

He's shouting, screaming, yelling at the universe, and his mother lets him.

"I love you, Derek. Whatever happens, I'm on your side, always."

She hangs up quietly, not letting him say anything, not even goodbye.

He now has to add yelling at his mother to the long list of stuff he fucked up in the last twenty-four hours.

Derek throws the phone at the end of the bed and grabs the TV remote and the leftover, awful scotch, hoping to blackout again before noon.

* * *

"Where the hell have you been?"

Meredith corners him right after he has worn his scrubs the next day, her eyes blazing. She has a right to be cornering him, though, so he stays quiet. His head is still fuzzy after the day before, so quiet is the way to go.

"We were supposed to be scrubbing in together for the tumor resection yesterday. We had to postpone it!" She looks fierce, anger flashing in her gray eyes. "Mr. Kelley was pretty pissed. Hell, I was pretty pissed," she fuels, her whole demeanor hostile and ready to pounce.

Derek takes a deep breath, as he watches her rage and her beauty, ashamed of his excuse.

"I needed a day," he says, and hopes it might be enough, but he knows it can't.

"Oh, I've needed _a lot_ of days in my life, but do you see me taking one when we have a nationally broadcasted surgery to perform?" Meredith raises her voice again, and a few heads turn in their direction. "God, you're so brainless."

Derek stops dead in his tracks, frozen on the spot, his blood boiling before he snaps. Hell, he has no self-control after a day like the day before.

He grabs her arm and leads her towards an empty stairwell, needing the small kind of privacy it could provide. Gossip would spurt either way and spread like wildfire, no matter what he does. They have already attracted the attention of the whole nursing staff of their floor with their little display, he can't care about dragging her in stairwells too.

"You have no right to insult me or yell at me in front of the surgical floor, Dr. Grey. I'm your boss!" He growls, unable to keep the anger out from his reproach.

"I would have yelled even if you were the freaking Chief of Surgery, _Dr. Shepherd_ ," she hisses, emphasizing his name with a venom that makes his blood boil.

"Right, the untouchable Dr. Grey can do whatever the hell she wants, I forgot all about that and your 'connections'," he spits out, the motion of his fingers mocking her in a way that he knows she's this close to slapping him.

"Mr. Kelley got himself worked up for the past month – _the past month!_ – for the surgery you so gracefully ignored. What kind of doctor are you?" She keeps growling, her voice loud enough that people on the floor can hear them. He still doesn't care. He has to yell at her.

"The kind of doctor that doesn't operate when in his veins runs scotch instead of blood!" he shouts. He doesn't care. "Do you want me to spell it out for you?" His voice booms between the empty walls, and he can't stay there anymore. He can't watch her face look at him with pity. He slams open the door of the stairwell and bolts out.

It's something she would do, run, but he still doesn't care.

He has to get away.

* * *

"So now it's my fault?" she asks, running after him, of course turning all the heads of the aisle. And oh, how engrossed they are in their argument.

Derek turns on his heels with a blazing fire in his eyes, his voice halfway between a plea, a growl, and a full-fledged yell, a tone so foreign it makes Meredith stop dead in her tracks in the middle of the surgical floor.

"Twenty-nine years I have waited for you before we met on that fucking plane. Twenty-nine. Then you dropped off the face of Earth and now you have two sons and my whole life is royally screwed up, because let's be honest, I'm a loner and an ass and apparently I'm brainless too, so yeah, I had the right to get fucking shitfaced yesterday."

Meredith stops, frozen, as his voice raises more and more with every word. At first, she feels pity for him, but then the anger overpowers her. She stares at him with a murderous look in her eyes, her anger boiling the more he talks.

"Mr. Kelley doesn't give a shit about your love life or the issues you have with Logan or Ethan!"

"Apparently neither do you!" Derek growls before he leaves her there, shaking with rage and an inexplicable fear, the whole floor staring at her as he stomps away, slamming the door of his office with unneeded force.

Her anger disappears, replaced by sheer embarrassment.

Her body is shaking by the time she hides inside the closest bathroom stall, and she knows she has screwed up everything with him.

Everything.

* * *

 **A/N: I guess you only have more questions now Well, hang in there to get the answers!  
**


	8. I Won't Fuck Us Over

**A/N: Hello from the other side! *cue Adele's singing, not mine***

 **I experienced my very first Thanksgiving here in the US and I'm still digesting the turkey. I hope you had a good Thanksgiving week too, if you celebrate; if not, I do hope your week was full of good things.**

 **Now, I left you on a bit of a cliffhanger, and I don't regret it one bit. Keep reading to figure out what happens next!**

 **Song title is from _Mr. November_ , which is coincidentally very appropriate, considering the timing. Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Chapter 8 - I Won't Fuck Us Over**

* * *

Meredith is surprised to see her name next to Derek's on the board as the leading surgeons for Mr. Kelley's tumor removal after what they yelled at each other the day before.

She barely slept the previous night, for once immensely grateful that her being on-call had prevented her from tossing and turning in her own bed, thinking about the shouting match she had with Derek.

People keep whispering around every corner she turns, their favorite parts – repeated on a loop – surely being her sons, and the fact that Derek mentioned a plane and a cryptic twenty-nine years, their gossip trying to solve the riddles and unravel the mystery while Meredith tries to blend with the pastel walls and hopes never to be found until better gossip comes around.

Now, instead of being stared at for the fact that she's Ellis Grey's daughter, she's just Derek Shepherd's long lost _something_ , and they are having a field day with this new piece of information.

Meredith stares at their names on the whiteboard a little too intensely, admiring how seamlessly they fit together in the small space, wishing they could fit so seamlessly again in real life. She enjoys working with Derek, but she knows he'll hardly give her another chance if she blows this.

She takes a deep breath and all the hushed chit-chat seem to become mute all of a sudden. There's a good reason for it when she feels Derek's presence before she even hears his steps coming closer and closer.

A coffee cup appears in front of her, but she's not brave enough to lift up her eyes and meet his. She has no idea how they can find a way to get past this, nor if they'll ever be friends again. The coffee seems like a peace offering, but Meredith hesitates, unsure of what to expect, of what side of Derek she's going to get this morning.

"I know you were on call." Derek's simple words make her feel warm all of a sudden, some of her hesitation dissipating, just like most of her anger. "It's just coffee."

Meredith sighs, then reaches out for the forest green cup he's offering so kindly. It might be just coffee.

"I'm ready for this, Dr. Shepherd. Even without coffee," she says. She knows she's being a little bitter, but they have yelled, loudly, and she hates being in this weird limbo with him. She has to know for sure where he stands, before they go in for such a long procedure. Their patient needs them to be okay.

"I know." His voice is soft, almost a hint of a smile on his face when she lifts up her eyes and meets his. She could definitely stand on this side with him if he's being so nice. "Can we take a moment and go over the procedure one last time before we meet with Mr. Kelley?" He hesitates, sounding vulnerable.

She knows all the eyes are on them if they keep talking in the hallway, and she agrees to talk to him somewhere more private. She needs an explanation from him, a reason for his complete change of personality from the day before.

They pick the most remote of the conference rooms, forgoing a closet for all the right reasons, but they might as well be in a box, since the air is so thick between them the tension could be cut with a knife. They sit one across from the other at the end of the table, their coffee cups almost touching, unlike their bodies.

Derek starts speaking after a moment of silence. "I'm sorry about ditching you for Mr. Kelley's surgery. I wasn't myself two mornings ago and it would have been a hazard for me to operate in those conditions."

"You were really shitfaced," Meredith whispers, almost fearing his answer.

"Yeah." He sighs, regret filling his tone. "I yelled at my mother too, over the phone. It wasn't pretty."

"Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Ethan and Logan. I don't tell people about them," Meredith says, taking a deep breath, knowing it's a very empty argument.

"I was hoping I weren't just people." He smiles, but she can see the pain behind his eyes.

"You're not," she admits boldly, biting her lip. "But we're so complicated, Derek..."

"We always have been." He sighs, his smile sincere this time, his features relaxing.

Meredith sips her coffee to keep her hands busy, her turn to smile gently in his direction. "You're a mean drunk, now."

"I am." He admits with a sad smile. "I've been a mean drunk for a while."

She swallows thickly. "Derek..."

"I'm not an alcoholic, I swear." He reassures her, tempted to squeeze her arm even though he restrains, and she's grateful. She feels tears building in her eyes. "I just drink _a lot_ from time to time, when things become unbearable. I'm not proud, but I take the next day off."

"I'm sorry." Meredith blinks back tears, and she's the one who reaches out for him and squeezes his forearm gently.

"I'm sorry, too. For the yelling."

"Not one of my proudest moments either." She sighs, staring deep into his eyes.

"I would like to officially meet Ethan someday, he looks like a bright kid," Derek admits, almost as an olive branch. "And Logan too, I'm sure he's a good boy too."

"Logan is...special. Both of them are." Meredith sighs, swallowing the lump in her throat. "They're the reason I don't do binge drinking anymore," she admits; for a moment she feels like they're sharing the same brand of pain.

"You're a mother now," he murmurs, staring at her with devotion, and something she's not sure she recognizes.

"I am. I've been one for seven years," she smiles softly, trying not to get lost in the memories.

"Ethan is the oldest, right?" Derek asks.

"By ten minutes, yes." She giggles. "How did you figure it out?"

"Twins?" He splutters, his eyes widening, and she can't help but laugh even louder.

"Okay, they're not identical, but I thought…" She keeps giggling, as a smile stretches on Derek's lips too. "They're twins, yes."

"Wow. And you were in what, med school, when you had them?"

"I was."

His eyes shine. "You amaze me," he tells her softly, and her knees weaken. She can't believe that just minutes before they were ready to kill each other, and now he's making McDreamy eyes at her. God, those eyes…

"I tried my best, Derek."

"You rocked it. Your boys...wow. They're really lucky."

She blushes, her whole face heating up as she diverts her gaze to the floor. It was hard, so incredibly hard, to do it all alone, and hearing him tell her that she did great is something she's not sure she can handle.

Derek groans when his pager buzzes at his hip, taking a deep breath as he reads what the call is about.

"I have a consult in the pit," he announces, disappointment etched on his every feature. "It'll be quick, I'll join you in the OR."

"Great." Meredith nods, part of her grateful for the break from the McDreamy-ness.

He disappears down the corridor and she sips the last of his coffee, heading to the OR floor out of a habit, trying to calm her jitters before the surgery.

She still doesn't feel calm as she goes through the process of scrubbing in and talking to Mr. Kelley. They have gone over the surgery after Derek came back from the consult, and now they're a step away from starting; Meredith is not sure if she's more nervous for Mr. Kelley or because she's working with Derek.

"Hello, beautiful." Mr. Kelley greets her with his usual charm and she shakes her head at him entering the OR.

"We're going to film your surgery, Mr. Kelley, I'm sure your wife won't appreciate you calling me beautiful on tape."

"Oh, Linda won't mind. She knows I favor blondes, but she's the love of my life."

Meredith sighs, smiling at Mr. Kelley.

"Dr. Grey," he calls out, and she turns towards him again. His face is a lot more serious, now. "Can you please tell Linda that I fought hard if I don't make it?"

"You have the best team working on you, – "

"Doesn't mean something can't go wrong." He shrugs. "She needs the peace of mind. Tell her that I loved her more than any blonde and that I'll love her forever."

Meredith nods, gulping the lump in her throat. "I will, Mr. Kelley."

"John, from now on you can call me John," he murmurs. "It would mean I lost my charm if a beautiful blonde like you calls me Mr. Kelley," he jokes, making her giggle.

"Flirting with your surgeon, Mr. Kelley?" Derek's amused tone reaches their ears, and she stiffens her back, a little surprised by how well Mr. Kelley is responding to Derek. She guesses Derek has probably explained his reasons and apologized, otherwise it would make no sense to be this playful.

"She's pretty, I can't help it."

Derek laughs. "Oh, that she is. Are you ready for us to poke into your brain?"

"As ready as I can be."

"Then let's get started. It's a beautiful day to save lives."

Mr. Kelley goes under with a smile on his face and Derek's easy demeanor transforms into quiet concentration.

The surgery starts off flawlessly after she opens for him, exposing the brain. Derek mutters the procedure between himself as he progresses with the surgery, his tone getting slightly louder when he asks for instruments or when he asks her question after question.

She's in awe when they expose the tumor, and she can clearly see Derek's smile under his mask as he starts resecting it. He's in his element, and it's amazing to be operating next to him; it's almost as good as operating herself: seeing his surgeries is the next best thing. He's an incredible surgeon.

"Gotcha, Sucker!" He chuckles, as the mass ends up in a small metallic basin, then recomposes himself. "Do you nickname tumors, Dr. Grey?" he asks, and her eyes widen.

This is the very first sort-of personal question he has asked since the beginning, and considering that half of the world is listening, and students are going to learn from this tape, she's not sure she wants to reply. Her resolutions crumble when his eyes meet hers.

"Sometimes. I still haven't operated on a tumor worthy of a nickname."

"Hmm." He hums, low and sexy, bringing back memories. "Next time I have another tumor like this one, it's yours. I'll be assisting."

Her eyes widen. "What?"

"I'm serious. Next Sucker is yours."

Meredith giggles, her eyes meeting his, watching how they sparkle brightly. Her hands are still firm, but if she weren't in surgery, they'd be shaking with emotion and elation.

She closes up for Derek as he watches her attentively, murmuring and humming, asking questions and quizzing her while she stitches up, his body so close to hers she can feel him everywhere.

She wants to kiss him senseless as soon as they walk in the scrub room together.

Yet, she can't. She has two boys at home that need her not to get lost in a teenage whirlwind romance. She has a demanding career. She has obligations.

She doesn't kiss Derek Shepherd in the scrub room after the surgery, but she's not sure for how long her resolutions will last, especially when she's on a surgery high.

* * *

 **A/N: Uh oh, looks like Meredith has a big fight with herself, uh?  
**

 **What do you think about this chapter? Is this little backstory enough for you to have a clearer picture?**


	9. Secret Meeting

**A/N: There's a little surprise in this chapter, a voice we still haven't heard from and more little hints being dropped here and there. I know you guys are too curious now, so enjoy!  
**

 _ **Secret Meeting**_ **is the opening song from the album _Alligator_ , by the way. Listen to the whole album to figure out more chapter titles. If you haven't gotten that part, you can get a lot of hints if you actually know the band :P**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Chapter 9 - Secret Meeting**

* * *

Meredith drags her body down to the blood bank, rubbing the sleep from her eyes after her boring night on call. She doesn't mind that her shift has been uneventful, but she usually operates better during the day if the night has kept her busy. She knows bedtime will never come soon enough today.

She has learned to sleep whenever she can, but if she falls asleep in the middle of the day she'll be in a haze until she goes back to bed, and she wants to spend some time with her boys today; she can't be in a haze. It feels like forever since the three of them have spent a day together. Also, Ethan has his appointment to get his cast off, so she needs to be one-hundred percent lucid by then.

"Dr. Grey, hello!"

"Morning, Nurse Jenny," Meredith smiles, handing her the ID. "How long do I have to wait to give some blood?"

"Blood and plasma?" She grins, checking her computer screen.

"Just blood this time. Do you need plasma too?"

"We always need everything." The nurse smiles. "Here," she adds, handing her a health survey and a pen. "There aren't many people here at six fifteen, you'll probably go right in."

"Awesome." Meredith smiles, filling the paper sleepily, signing it then giving it back.

"On call?"

"Pretty slow night, thank God. Full day ahead, though."

"How's Logan?"

"His usual. Though I have an appointment with Dr. Krupps lined up for him."

"What about Ethan?"

"He broke his arm and almost got a concussion at school in gym class, but he's fine. The usual klutz."

"Aw, poor thing. I hope he's doing better."

"He's getting his cast removed today. He was worried I'd kill him." She grins, her smile fading as she remembers Derek and her boys, together, in the same room, her secret blowing over completely.

"He's a sweetheart. I have to bake them something again."

Meredith smiles gently, handing back the forms, then Jenny directs her in the waiting room. In less than ten minutes they're already pricking her finger to check her hemoglobin status, then sending her for a quick physical.

Dr. Herron is cheerful even at six twenty-two in the morning, and Meredith has no idea how she manages it. She's only glad everything is in order with her and her check-up is pretty quick.

She sips on a bottle of water while she waits for her turn, but the donation room is virtually empty, too early for the regular appointments. She's glad that at Seattle Grace they have somebody there to take her blood most of the time, even at the oddest hours of the morning.

"Dr. Grey, come on in." Nurse Jenny welcomes her inside, directing her to a reclining chair in the corner. "Left or right?"

"Left arm." She smiles settling in the chair and relaxing.

Nurse Jenny prepares the sacs and inserts the needle quickly, much to Meredith's relief, and she hopes her arm won't bruise this time like it did the last time she gave blood.

"Alright." The nurse smiles, giving her a stress ball. It's shaped like a heart and it makes her smile. Cristina would probably steal one for herself if she saw it. "Let me know if there are any problems."

Meredith smiles closing her eyes for a second. She can't fall back to sleep, she has just woken up. She'll be fine, she's used to running on barely four hours of sleep, she'll manage.

"Oh, hi!" She hears, and her eyes snap open. _This is a nightmare..._

Derek is smirking at her from his spot near the nurses' counter, his scrubs crisp clean, his hair perfectly styled. She groans loudly.

"What are you doing here?" she asks, trying to look as annoyed as she can.

"Perusing the halls," he snickers, "what do you think?"

"Why now? God, they're open the entire day, why now?"

"Because I have a surgery at twelve and I need to feel fine by then." He shrugs, sitting down on the recliner next to hers. _Of course_.

"Dr. Shepherd, hello." Nurse Jenny greets him warmly, going through the entire process with him too. Meredith is glad he's only giving blood. She has to look at him for fifteen minutes tops.

"Do you have a surgery, too?" he asks, turning his head towards her, smirking. His eyes are freaking twinkling. It's too early to have twinkling eyes.

"Night shift." She huffs. "I'm spending my day with Logan and Ethan."

"Oh." He hums, and she's sure she has killed the mood for good. Her heart clenches and she bites her lip. She looks at her watch, and she sees that she's barely halfway into her donation, unfortunately. "Is Ethan doing okay? How is his arm?"

"Better. He's getting the cast removed today." She sighs. "He doesn't complain anymore that it hurts, at least."

"Good." He hums, smiling slightly.

"Yeah." She replies with a loud exhale. That smile is making her lightheaded.

"What about Logan?"

"His usual self. Just a curious, sneaky boy."

Derek chuckles, his smile bright.

She closes her eyes as her chest starts to feel tighter, and her head even lighter. She's not so sure it's the Derek effect, though.

Nurse Jenny comes to unhook a too-smiley Derek from the machine, _lucky bastard_ , and he smiles at her as he presses the cotton ball to the crook of his arm. He's definitely not helping with the lightheadedness.

She pinches the bridge of her nose with her free hand and her fingers cover in sweat. Her breathing is labored. She checks her sac and realizes that it's almost over for her too, _thank God_.

"You okay?" he asks, sitting up slightly.

"Hmm, yeah," she whispers, closing her eyes as the lights become a little too bright. She feels her scrubs becoming damp with sweat.

"Nurse!" Derek calls out, his voice a little panicked as he stands up to check on her. He lowers the recliner and gathers a couple of paper towels, dabbing her forehead. "It's okay," he murmurs, taking her free hand in his. Cold shivers run down her spine.

Jenny comes back and immediately gives her some kind of droplets, the world still spinning while he keeps holding her hand and wiping the sweat off her face.

"Deep breaths." Derek hums, his voice soothing and distant as Jenny unhooks the machine from her arm as it finishes. "You're okay."

She only hums back something incoherent as the word stops being fuzzy and she feels more grounded.

"Welcome back." He smiles, his thumb caressing her zygoma with reverence. She gulps a deep breath. "Do you usually faint when you give blood?"

"Just with you around. Shit luck." She grins mischievously, and he bursts into laughter.

"Jenny, she's feeling better already. Snarky as usual," he comments, making Jenny laugh with him.

"Have to feed your knight in shining whatever complex." Meredith smiles, getting lost in his sparkling eyes for a second. They're always so, so blue when he's happy.

"Feels good to be a damsel in distress sometimes, uh?"

"Not really." She grins, smiling as he tapes the cotton ball to her needle puncture, his hands gentle and sure. He gives her more paper towels and she dabs at the last remnants of sweat on her face.

"Still feeling shaky?"

"Better."

"When you're feeling okay we'll grab a cookie, then." She rolls her eyes, sitting up straighter, and his smile brightens. "Though I should feed you a little more than a cookie. What about breakfast? Are you free for breakfast?"

"Derek – " She sighs, biting her lip.

"I just want to keep an eye on you. Please." His eyes are pleading with her, too, not just his tone. Concern is dripping from his every pore.

"Fine." She relents, not without an eye-roll, though. "The coffee cart in the lobby has the best double chocolate muffins." She grins, pleased when she sees the grimace on his face.

"You still eat that crap?"

"It's not crap, Mr. Morning Muesli. And I almost fainted, I need sugar."

Derek laughs, squeezing her hand. How come she has missed his hand in hers all this time? Her brain is still out of it, most likely. She does squeeze back, though. His fingers tangled with hers feel good.

"Wanna try and stand up?" he asks.

"In a minute," she replies, and he only sits on a nearby stool, still holding her hand.

Nurse Jenny comes with a tin of cookies and they share a couple in silence, Derek is smiling and holding her hand, and she's unable to move her gaze away from his. She knows it's wrong when she reaches out to wipe a crumble stuck in his stubble, but she doesn't care. His dazed expression is worth it.

She snaps quickly out of it though when she realizes how wrong it is to be sharing this kind of intimacy with her ex-whatever. Way too much water has ran under the thing, way too much.

"Muffin time?" She gulps, and he snaps out of it too.

"Muffin time."

She reluctantly releases his hand, feeling strangely bereft. She can't hold his hand ever again. It's not her hand to hold. She can't fall for him all over again. Except, when he looks at her like that, she's sure she's never fallen out of love with him in the first place.

She's screwed.

He chats about his morning surgery as they walk into the lobby, an adequate distance between them to suggest nothing is going on; she almost misses his warmth and his steady presence. Her legs still feel a little wobbly.

"Let's sit down in the lobby." He smiles after they have grabbed their coffees and he has given her the muffin.

She sits with him, and it's so incredibly awkward she wants to scream. She has so many things to tell him, and yet, nothing comes out.

"Were you in New York all this time?" she asks, munching on her muffin as he sips his coffee.

"You mean, after…" He trails off and she nods. People don't need to know more about them and Europe and no, they don't need to talk about that in the lobby. "I stayed there, yes. My mom and my sisters were there, Mark and Addison were there...it felt like the right place to be," he admits, his eyes veiled with an emotion she can't pinpoint. "What about you?"

"I finished at Dartmouth and went back and forth every other weekend to check on my mom, then moved here for her in October. She was still recovering and I had to be closer to her. Then, with the boys, it was easier to have a couple of extra hands, especially since Richard was in the picture, too."

"So, University of Washington?"

"Yes. Then Seattle Grace."

"Why neurosurgery?"

She sighs. "My mom was pushing me to go General since my first day as an intern. Grooming me or whatever. And I was good, mind you, but I enjoyed brains more. Everything is quiet in the OR, every movement precise, organized. Unpredictable, too. And while having two little boys around gives me plenty of opportunities for unpredictability, they definitely don't like quiet much." Meredith smiles, and for the first time when she mentions her sons, he smiles back.

"I know all about the quiet times. Four sisters, remember?"

She giggles. "Also, Bailey told me I work well under pressure, and what's more pressure than poking in someone's brain?"

"True. Either that or Trauma."

"Not much quiet in Trauma, though."

"Not at all." He grins, taking another sip of his coffee.

Before they can talk more, a solid body slams against her and a tiny arm wraps around her neck. She's glad she has just washed down her last morsel of muffin with coffee and it's his good arm, not the one in the cast.

"Mommy, are you ready to go home? I wanna go to the zoo and the aquarium and…"

"Morning, Ethan. And first, we're taking your cast off." She sighs, kissing the side of his head as he giggles.

"Are you done with breakfast? Oma fed me cereals today." He huffs and makes her smile.

"I feed you cereals for breakfast most of the time." She grins and he rolls his eyes.

"Yes, but you'd burn down the kitchen making french toast," her mother interjects, showing up in her pencil skirt and briefcase, holding Logan's hand. "Hello, Dr. Shepherd," she says, and Meredith's cheeks heat up when he replies with a dazzling smile. "And I would have fed you french toasts if you didn't whine so much in the morning and actually woke up on time," she adds, addressing Ethan, who gives her the perfect puppy dog look.

"Is Oma right? Did you give her a hard time this morning?" Meredith asks, knowing how complicated mornings can be.

"The sun wasn't even up yet, Mama. It's the weekend!" He sighs, and she hears Derek chuckling from his seat. "And Logan got no french toasts either 'cause he slept in too."

"I was really tired." Logan shrugs, though he looks unfazed by the breakfast choice.

"You know Oma wants to be here at seven sharp every day, Ethan. And you know I need to work all night some nights."

"I know." He murmurs, deflating. "What happened to your arm?" He frowns, pointing at the cotton ball in the crook of her elbow.

"I gave some of my blood to help my patients live during surgery." She smiles and his eyes widen.

"Awesome, Mommy!" He squeals. "Can I do it too? Will I get in the OR with you and Oma?"

Her mother grins. "No, Ethan. We store them in a blood bank and ask for the blood when we need it. And you have to be at least eighteen before you can donate, sorry."

"But it's a lot of years." He sighs loudly, plopping on the empty chair next to her, dejected.

"Sorry, Shrimp," Meredith soothes, ruffling his hair before planting a kiss on top of his blond mop of wild waves.

"I'll leave you to it, then. I guess the Head of General can keep an eye on you, now." Derek hums from his seat, whispering the last part. Her eyes widen. And of course her mother can hear ultrasounds and hears that too.

"Keep an eye on her?"

"She almost fainted, Dr. Grey," he explains, an apologetic look on his face.

"Doctor-patient confidentiality!" Meredith hisses, and he shrugs. Of course he's not her doctor when he doesn't want to.

"I told you not to give blood after a night shift," her mother reproaches. "Did you sleep some, at least?"

"Some."

"Do you need me to find someone to watch the boys this morning?"

"No need." She smiles, watching Ethan sulk on his chair, Logan quietly respecting the silence. "Have a good day, Dr. Shepherd," she adds, as Derek stands up, throwing the empty cup of coffee in the nearby bin. "Good luck on your surgery."

"Have a good day, Dr. Grey." He smiles. "Dr. Grey; Ethan and Logan." He nods his goodbye, before he disappears in the buzz of the lobby.

"What was that?" Ellis frowns, still staring at Derek's retreating form.

"Derek being my knight in shining whatever, as usual." Meredith rolls her eyes, even though her cheeks heat up. "He wanted to make sure I wouldn't drop in the middle of the lobby."

"Right." Ellis snickers. "Meredith, he's bad news."

"I know. He's just being...Dereky. He always took good care of me," she murmurs, her voice suddenly thick.

"Almost too good of a care." Her mother jabs, giving her a pointed look.

"I'll see you tonight for dinner, Mom," she says, knowing that she needs to change the subject. It's not a conversation she can have in the lobby, with Logan and Ethan sitting next to her.

"Let Richard cook." Ellis smirks, then kisses the top of her grandchildren's head and squeezes her shoulder. "Don't overdo it." She gives Meredith the smallest of smiles, before she's disappearing down the hall too.

"Just us, boys."

"I like it when it's just us, Mommy," Logan murmurs, locking eyes with her, and her heart clenches at how familiar they are.

"I'm glad." She smiles, pulling him close for a hug.

Her boys will make her forget about her weird morning, and she's grateful for them. Beyond grateful, no matter how hard it was to raise them alone.

She has to forget.

* * *

 **A/N: Is that a Meredith POV? And a hint of backstory? I know, more Meredith's POV is coming, but I like to keep all my cards close to my chest, so she's way too revealing. Derek's clueless self works better for this story. Let me know what you think will happen next!  
**


	10. Nothing Can Touch Us, My Love

**A/N: This is really a treat for you guys, my very own Christmas treat for you all. Merediths's POV two chapters in a row is really remarkable, isn't it? Also, there's background story. Not much, but it will open up a picture, hopefully.  
**

 **The title is from _All The Wine_ , the very last line if I recall correctly. Not much wine here, unless you consider the wine you people over the drinking age will consume after reading this chapter! :P I'm kidding. No wine needed. Maybe. Maybe only Meredith will need wine...  
**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Chapter 10 - Nothing Can Touch Us, My Love.**

* * *

All of Meredith's tiredness and lightheadedness disappears as soon as she's standing in front of Dr. Krupps' exam room in the Cardiology wing, a lump in her throat.

Ethan and Logan are playing with the few toys in the waiting room, while she tries not to pace endlessly back and forth until they call Logan's name. This is not the first time she's been standing here, but it always feels like the very first day, when she got his diagnosis.

* * *

 _Meredith is squeezing her mother's hand so tightly she's sure she's ruining her surgical career._

" _Mom, why is he blue? The first baby wasn't blue, why is he blue?" Her voice is panicky, and her brain is a mess._

 _She's tired, she's been in labor forever, gave birth to a healthy little boy she still doesn't have a name for, and then they told her his twin was in distress and they needed to do a C-section. Nothing has been going according to plan. Nothing, from the very moment the stick turned blue. This is as bad as it gets._

" _I'll go be with him, okay? I'll get back to your room as soon as they have figured out what's going on with Baby number two, okay?" Ellis' voice is firm, just like her hand squeeze. She even dares to place a quick, fleeting kiss over her forehead, murmuring a quiet "Congratulations. You did good, Meredith." before she disappears with the swarm of doctors and nurses and her youngest son._

 _Meredith has never felt so helpless._

* * *

 _Meredith is sitting on a rocking chair in the NICU, her boys crammed together in the same incubator, one of them pink and wriggly, the other one quieter, bluer, and tied up to an oxygen machine._

" _You can hold them if you like," says one of the nurses, a gentle smile on her face._

" _Both of them?" Meredith asks in disbelief. Surely her blue boy is not ready for it._

" _Of course! Maybe one at a time is better, though." The nurse laughs at her own joke, and Meredith restrains himself from rolling her eyes. She completely ignores her, focusing on her boys instead._

 _She opens the incubator and reaches in for her pink son. He's the tiniest, most fragile, most perfect thing she has ever held in her hands._

" _Hey, Shrimp," she says, giggling. "I think you deserve a better name than this, though, even if you're all curled up and pink."_

 _The baby just wriggles and settles in her hold, nuzzling her chest and holding tightly onto her gown. She touches his pigmy hands and skinny legs, running her finger down his back, marveling at the fact that a mere day before he was inside her. She grew him this strong and handsome._

" _Ethan. Ethan Hudson. Do you think you'll like it? Ethan means strong, and I know you are a pretty strong little baby." Meredith places a sweet kiss on his impossibly tiny head, covered in a blonde peach fuzz._

 _The baby opens his eyes, and they are so blue she feels like crying._

" _Oh, Ethan, you have your daddy's eyes," she murmurs, holding him a little closer to her._

 _She wondered for months if she would be able to even look at her kids after what happened with Derek and the horse-face in New York, and now she knows that they're her babies, first and foremost. There's time to tell Derek and his new girlfriend._

 _Meredith lets go of Ethan gently, placing him next to his brother, before she picks up her even more fragile son._

" _Hello, my little Blueberry," she says, touching his every feature._

 _Her babies look so much alike, except the one she's holding is tinier and feels ten times more fragile. Yet, he appears very stubborn and resilient, too._

" _Logan. This is how I'm going to name you. Logan Arno. From where it all began and ended. I truly hope your daddy will like the names I picked for you two. And yes, I hope you guys will like them, too."_

 _Logan wraps his whole hand around her finger and squeezes, and then she knows she'll be okay. They will be okay. They will be her family, the family she never truly had when she was little; the family she's learning to appreciate now that her mother and Richard are together again, and the most helpful of hands._

 _Speaking of her mother, Ellis shows up in her scrubs as soon as she thinks about her, her smile genuine, yet subdued._

" _Dr. Krupps will be here any second," she says._

 _Meredith knows he's a Cardiologist, and she doesn't like that at all. "What's wrong with Logan, Mom?"_

" _Logan?" Her voice is soft as she echoes her grandchild's name._

" _Logan Arno and Ethan Hudson."_

 _Ellis is blinking back tears, and Meredith is surprised-but-not to feel one stream down her cheek, too._

" _Logan has hypoplastic left heart syndrome, Meredith."_

 _The diagnosis is a punch in her gut. Her little boy, her perfect little Logan might die and she would have no way to help him. It's not fair. Life is not fair. He's starting out fatherless, he should have deserved better._

 _Meredith vows to make it up to him and Ethan for the rest of their lives._

* * *

Meredith is shaken from the memories of endless surgeries when Logan was just a baby and the fear of Ethan remaining an only child only when a nurse calls Logan's name.

Her son had thrived. Her little Blueberry had gone through every surgery and came out stronger and even more brave than before. He's quiet, but he's fearless, nothing stops him.

Dr. Krupps greets Logan with a wide smile, messing his dark mop of hair, as Ethan goes to sit in one of the chairs, already accustomed to the visits.

"How are you feeling, Logan?"

"Good." He smiles. "My brother broke his arm, did you know?"

"Really? Dr. Krupps grins. "You doing okay, now, Ethan?"

"Yeah, Dr. K. I wasn't even scared."

"You two are some of the bravest boys I've ever met." Meredith can't argue with Dr. Krupps' assessment either.

Dr. Krupps begins his physical exam on Logan, and Meredith holds her breath every time. Especially when he takes out the doppler and the sonogram machine.

"Have you been feeling a little more tired than usual, Logan?" Dr. Krupps asks, gently continuing his exam, the screen of course turned away from Meredith. She's dying to see the results, but she's also scared to death.

"Sometimes. Sometimes I have to catch my breath after I climb the stairs at school, or after gym class."

"What kind of classes are your favorites? In gym, I mean."

"Um...I like table tennis and real tennis, but that is tiring. I don't like football, but soccer seems fun, but Mommy says I should avoid it."

"Well, your mom is right, you should be especially careful."

"Next week we're trying volleyball, can I do it?"

"We'll see. I'll let your mom know."

Meredith's blood chills in her veins. Something is wrong with Logan. She had a bad feeling before she arrived, but now all the alarms in her head are ringing very loudly.

Dr. Krupps keeps talking to Logan animatedly while performing all the necessary tests, but Meredith cannot focus on his incredible bedside manner or thank her mother again for the millionth time for picking the perfect surgeon for Logan. She can only focus on the fact that her mom radar knows there's bad news looming over their horizon.

"Alright. I'm done here. Why don't you and Ethan go play outside while I let your mom sign some boring papers?" Dr. Krupps tells the boys with a smile.

This is it.

Her boys leave the room, happily chasing one another outside, and Meredith sees the smile dissolve on Dr. Krupps face.

"It's bad, isn't it?"

"It's not the end of the world, Meredith."

"Oh, God." Her heart starts pounding in fear. "I knew I should have kept a better eye on him and his symptoms. I should've…"

"Meredith, nothing is your fault. Take a deep breath and listen."

Dr. Krupps waits for her to catch her breath, resting one of his big hands on her shoulder to calm her down. It's barely working, though. Not even his gentle brown eyes are reassuring now.

"Tell me, please." Her whimper barely sounds like her voice, but she needs to know. She can't remain in this limbo forever.

"I can hear a murmur from the exam. All the things Logan said lead me to believe that there might be a small leak in his aortic valve. It was the first one we fixed, but it's still struggling."

For the second Dr. Krupps lets that sink in, she can't breathe.

"It's completely fixable again, but it's a temporary fix, Meredith, you know that. It's the symptom of something bigger happening," he says, and she knows what that means. She dreads it, but she knows.

"Heart transplant." Her eyes fill with tears.

"Yes, I'm afraid so, Meredith." Dr. Krupps squeezes her shoulder, but she feels numb. "I haven't told Logan yet, because I didn't know if you wanted him to have the surgery right away for the aortic valve or wait longer for the heart to come by."

"I'll tell him. I'll…" she stammers, her mind blanking on the single thought: Logan can die. Her perfect little blue baby can die, very soon.

"You can have a couple of days to decide, but I'm already putting him on the transplant list, okay?" Dr. Krupps says. "Tomorrow we'll go over all the details of that together. I'm aware you know most of these things, but a reminder never hurts. Also, before next week I want to do an MRI and a CT, to have a clearer picture for the transplant committee." Dr. Krupps' kind voice only clashes with her emotions.

The onslaught of information is too much. Her brain can't process anything, the audio comes in and slips out, her neurons monopolized by the mere idea of a life without Logan.

"Tomorrow. We….I need a few hours to think about this. We can decide about all the rest tomorrow." Meredith stutters, her tongue tied by fear.

"Of course, Meredith. Go home, Logan and Ethan are waiting for you."

She flees the office like a bat out of hell.

* * *

"Mommy, are you okay?"

Meredith snaps out of her reverie, realizing that she's been mixing the mac n' cheese for the past five minutes, staring into space. She squeezes her eyes shut, unable to look at Logan when he asks.

Part of Meredith wants to do nothing but look at Logan, memorize his every feature even more than she has done in the past seven years, but a bigger part of her can't bring herself to look at him and see a dying boy.

"Mac n' cheese is almost ready. Have you set the table with your brother?"

"We have. I even folded the napkins the fancy way you like," he says, and she turns to see his soft smile. It looks so perfect she feels herself choking up.

"Thank you, Berry. Go sit down, then."

She brings the bowls with the mac n' cheese on the table, placing one in front of Ethan and the other in front of Logan, before going back for her own bowl. She notices that the vegetable-to-protein ratio tonight is way off, since there are only a few leftover cucumbers on the table, but she cannot think about anything more.

She sees Ethan and Logan share a look, before they start eating.

"My appointment with Dr. K wasn't okay, right Mama?" Logan begins, interrupting the odd silence at the table. "That's why you're so sad."

Meredith sighs loudly. This is it. This is when she has to tell him, and she has no idea how.

"Dr. Krupps told me that you are a little sick, Logan."

"That I kinda know," he says, breaking her heart. "It doesn't feel like I'm okay, Mommy."

"Because you're tired often?"

"Yeah. Is my heart very sick?"

"It is." Her voice cracks, and she puts down her fork. "Do you remember when I showed you all the valves and how your heart works?"

"Yeah, that was cool. Do you remember, Ethan?" Logan asks, and Ethan nods, though he's quietly listening to the rest.

"Well, do you remember when I explained what happened when you were born?

"I was blue," Logan says, very serious.

"Yes. Because one side of your heart didn't grow as big and strong as the other." She tries not to choke at the memory of that conversation. Or all the memories hitting her, really.

"And Dr. K fixed my valves so it could work better." Logan nods, as if he's recalling the conversation himself.

"Yeah, that's just about it." Meredith sighs loudly, then. "One of your valves is not working properly again, so blood cannot come in and out as it's supposed to do."

"Can Dr. K fix it twice?"

"He can, but it will only be a temporary fix. Like putting some duct tape around it until it breaks again."

"Like it happened now," Logan says, looking down at the table.

"Can't you change the part? When something is that broken you change it." Ethan pipes up. Meredith's own heart clenches.

"It's complicated, but it can be done, yes. It's called a heart transplant."

"What? Plants have to be in it?" Logan asks, his voice small. Meredith knows he's perfectly aware of how big what she's explaining is. Nobody is eating anymore.

"Nothing to do with plants. Basically, you find a good, working heart, and you...switch it. Dr. K will have to take out Logan's damaged heart and put a new one inside of his chest."

"No." Logan is very determined, his face scrunching up in disgust.

"Logan, if you get the new heart you will be able to run and play any kind of sport you want. No more restrictions."

"What?"

"Your heart will be so strong you can play anything you ever wanted. I'll let you try everything, I promise."

"But...What about all the stuff you always say is in my heart, will I lose all of it?"

"What do you mean?" Meredith frowns.

"Well, you said the love my daddy has for me is in my heart, and your love for us is in my heart when I'm scared and you're not there...Will that stuff disappear?"

Meredith gives in and a tear slips down her cheek. "Oh, Logan…"

"Mama, I don't want to lose your love and my daddy's love and Ethan's and Oma's and…"

"We'll make sure Dr. Krupps puts all the love back in, okay? I'll tell him to be extra careful with your loves."

"Good." Logan nods, looking at Ethan. Clearly, they'll both remind Dr. Krupps of this, and break Meredith's heart all over again.

"When will Logan get the new heart, Mommy?" Ethan asks, curious.

"We don't know. We have to wait for the right one to come around. Logan will need to have some tests done and be always prepared for the surgery, but we don't know when that will be. Dr. Krupps will tell us how that works," she says, because here on the spot she's too overwhelmed to remember the details herself. She knows them, but she can't remember.

"But soon?" Ethan asks adamantly.

"Hopefully, as soon as possible, Shrimp."

Meredith truly hopes it is as soon as possible, but she knows she can't bet on that. The only thing she can do now is live day by day and wait. No matter how grueling, she has to be strong for her boys.

She's everything they have, after all.

* * *

 **A/N: Yep, a little shit has hit the fan. Sorry about this! If you want to know more about Logan's condition the Mayo Clinic's website on the topic is pretty exhaustive.  
**

 **Now, I hope you all of you figured out the significance of Ethan's middle name and Logan's whole name, but if a lot of you are confused just ask and I'll put a note somewhere, definitely on Twitter, but most likely also in the next chapter.**

 **Thank you for reading and loving this story for this entire year so far (and all the others!). I'm so humbled by how much you love the sequel, since they usually get a lot less traffic than the originals.**

 **I wish you all Happy Holidays, whichever holiday that might be, and a wonderful beginning of the New Year.**


	11. Mistaken For Strangers

**A/N: When both of my ongoing solo stories get updated in less than two weeks, it's a pretty good couple of weeks! I always apologize to you guys, but I write in spurts, I don't really have much consistency, especially not these days when I wake up at 6.15am and by 10pm I'm ready to call it a night. So much for being young and full of life! I hope you can be patient with me anyway. I promise that this story and IWBY will be finished, no matter how long it takes - and there's a long time before that happens!**

 **Onto a happier topic, _Mistaken For Strangers_ is a pretty good tune. One of the _The National_ songs that drew me in right away. Listen to it, if you have a chance, as usual!**

 **Enjoy the chapter now!**

* * *

 **Chapter 11 - Mistaken For Strangers**

* * *

Derek sighs in relief when he spots an on-call room at the end of the aisle. His day has felt endless, and fighting with Meredith surely hasn't helped matters. Yes, maybe he had been wrong to snap at her, but it's been a day.

She was distracted during the entire duration of the surgery, almost in a daze. When he called her on it, she had the courage to say she was perfectly aware of everything, even if she wasn't able to answer his questions in the first place.

Now he just wants to find Meredith and apologize, but that can wait until morning, so that they have the chance cool off. He had been wrong in snapping so easily, but she frustrates him, and during surgery he cannot be frustrated. Tomorrow he'll find her and they can clear up the air, like they have done for the past few months.

They can never be okay and easy-going as before around one another, not since he knew about her sons. He cannot feel comfortable around her anymore, because every time he looks at her, he's reminded of Ethan and Logan, and the anger at himself doubles.

He's trying to control himself, but he's been failing miserably at it. Maybe in a few more weeks he'll be able to look at Meredith and not feel like he has let her slip through his fingers.

He pulls down the handle of the on call room, scanning the room in semi-darkness, hoping for a free bed. He really, really needs to rest and calm down.

A whimper reaches his ears, and he freezes, unsure if he should switch on the light to see what's going on or leave. He opts for his first choice, switching on the small bedside lamp beside the lower bunk.

His heart squeezes when he sees Meredith curled up in fetal position on the bed, her eyes wide and bloodshot.

"Meredith," he murmurs, closing the door of the on-call room.

"Leave." Meredith whimpers, shaking her head, squeezing her eyes shut.

"Are you okay?"

"Please, leave," she echoes, curling up even further into herself, a quiet moan escaping her lips.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm so tired. Please." Meredith can barely open her eyes, and he sees a tear crawl down her cheek. "Please, let's fight tomorrow."

"Oh, Meredith, I don't want to fight anymore. I wanted to find you to apologize."

Meredith whimpers again. "Please."

"I can't leave you like this."

"Get out!" She snaps, though Derek is pretty sure she doesn't mean it.

"Look, I'm not going to bother you anymore but, can I stay here tonight?" Derek braces himself for a firm no, but Meredith only shakes her head, squeezing her eyes shut. "This is the first on call room I found with an empty bed."

"It's almost always empty," Meredith says, her voice barely louder than a murmur.

"Can I stay?" He repeats. "Over there." He points with his finger at the bed across the room instead of the top bunk of hers.

"Over there?"

"Over there." He nods seriously, feeling his body already relax at the mere idea of falling into bed.

"Okay," she whispers, and Derek sighs in relief.

"Thank you so much. I owe you one."

Meredith shakes her head, curling up into a ball again, hiding from him in the darkness.

Gratefully, Derek slips off his shoes and climbs under the sheets, sighing in relief when his back hits the mattress and the room slips into darkness. Yes, the sight of a bunk mattress is no starry night like he can see at the trailer, but this is better than what he hoped for.

This way he can talk to Meredith and apologize first thing in the morning.

Except, the whimpering coming from Meredith is quite distracting.

"Meredith –"

"Don't, Derek. Please don't." Her sharp but shaky tone contrasts deeply with the fragility of her whole being.

"I just…" He sighs, biting his tongue. "What happened?"

"I'm so tired, Derek. I've been in surgery for ten hours straight after the one we had this morning and I can't feel my legs now. Leave me alone."

"Oh, Mere," he murmurs, perfectly understanding her predicament. It's been one of those days for her too, apparently.

"Don't. I don't need your pity." Her voice is strangely strong, even if he knows her body is in shambles.

"I'm not pitying you," he replies quietly, unsure if it will upset her more. "Do you need the number of my favorite masseuse?"

Meredith snorts, and he's glad he at least made her relax for a moment.

"I can't go home like this, even if home means my awesome bed. Only, my awesome bed implies dealing with my kids too, and I can't. I'm the worst mother ever. And I left them with Ellis. Ellis!"

"Oh, Meredith, you're not a bad mother, I promise." He smiles. Of course she'll doubt herself. She always did. But it makes him relax the idea that she feels comfortable enough with him to actually admit her weakness. "You're not just a mom, you're a person too. Logan and Ethan will understand."

"It doesn't make this any easier."

"I'm sure it doesn't."

They fall back into silence, interrupted every once in awhile by a rustle of sheets and a groan. He can't help but smile at how stubborn she is in refusing help.

"Look," she begins, surprising him, "you've been a surgeon for a while. Any ideas on how to feel human again after spending ten hours on your feet?"

Derek chuckles. "A massage or stretching and my bed, usually. Sometimes a double scotch on the rocks."

"Crap."

"Hey, you might not have your bed here or alcohol, but I can figure out a massage." Derek can see Meredith's eyes widening at his suggestion, but he doesn't regret being this bold.

Silence stretches heavily, and he's pretty sure Meredith is ignoring his statement altogether after all. Until she replies with a whispered: "Okay."

"What?"

"You can...massage." She stammers, looking and sounding adorable. He can't believe how he managed to stay apart from her for so long and never seek her out just to see her adorableness.

Derek switches on the bedside light and sits quietly at her feet, in the portion of bed left free. When he touches her calf, Meredith shivers at the contact. He feels a shiver run down his spine too, to be honest.

At first, he politely massages her calf from over the blankets, moving down to her ankle and her feet, smiling when Meredith's body slackens.

"Can I lift the blanket to work on your soles?"

Meredith simply sticks out her feet, and he can't help the chuckle escaping his lips as he props Meredith's feet on his thigh and massages the arch of her feet and her talons, her nerves and tendons, up to the point that she moans in bliss.

It's hard to keep himself in check, because he's enjoying being there for her a bit more than a friend should. In his heart though, he knows he's more than a friend.

"Derek?"

"Hmm?" He hums in reply, eager to answer more of her demands.

"Can you...my back?" She sighs, looking vulnerable. "I'm not getting out of these blankets, though."

Derek chortles. "That might be complicated."

"Unless you get in, too." Her soft, grateful smile makes him weak in his knees.

Meredith scoots to make room for him behind her, and he slips between her and the wall as he presses his hands to her shoulders, then starts massaging his way down her back.

Silence stretches peacefully, and he loves listening to her breathe.

"Logan will need a heart transplant soon." Her voice slices the peaceful atmosphere, cutting right to his core. He stops the massage, taken aback.

"Meredith…"

"He was born with an hypoplastic left heart and it's finally catching up with him."

"I never would have guessed."

"He's been feeling pretty okay lately. He even started swimming and he has wanted to play basketball with Ethan since forever, but now…" She exhales loudly. "I just feel like a failure. Like it's my fault he was born defective. I feel guilty all the time, that's why I should not have the privilege of 'me' time."

"You're an amazing mother, Meredith. Even if you need a night by yourself once in awhile. And technically, the kids' dad is half responsible for the bad heart; it doesn't all fall on your shoulders."

Unexpectedly, Meredith turns around to face him and buries her face in his chest, clinging to his scrub top for dear life as he keeps running his hands down her back soothingly.

Her legs tangle with his, and a sob escapes her lips.

"I can't do this alone. I can't be alone waiting for his new heart, Derek."

"Shhh," he murmurs, holding her a bit tighter as she clutches him. "You'll figure it out. And you won't be alone."

"There's no one else, Derek. It's just me and the boys."

"Meredith, you have your mother. Even if she can be evil, she loves your kids. And Richard, too. Your friends love them. And you have me."

He knows he deserves the look he receives from Meredith, but he's not backing out.

"We are a mess, and we cannot stay in a room without fighting, but I remember we used to be good friends. You can come to me if you need to. You can ask me to sit with Logan and Ethan if you need a night for yourself, or if you need to take Logan to an appointment and you need somebody to stay with Ethan, I can be your man. Just...ask."

Her eyes fill with tears even more. "Derek –"

"I know, I know. Forget our history. I know you don't have time for this, I just want to be there for you like I was in Europe. I just want to be your friend."

"Okay," she says, her voice cracking.

"Okay." His smile is wide.

"Thank you."

"Of course, Meredith." He squeezes her just a little bit tighter, not knowing how he'll be able to untangle from her to go to sleep.

She resolves the issue by pulling him even more tightly under the covers and snuggling with him, falling asleep a few minutes after.

Derek lets the exhaustion claim his body too, knowing he'll get the best night's rest of the past eight years.

That night he dreams about an _Intercity_ train headed to the Milan airport; about Meredith's and his body tangled together, holding onto each other for dear life.

* * *

 **A/N: Well, I guess there are still some unresolved feelings here, uh? What do you think, guys? What will happen next? Sorry for the lack of Logan and Ethan, but I needed some Meredith and Derek time. They'll show up soon, don't despair!  
**


	12. You Were A Kindness

**A/N: So, everybody was excited about what happened in the last chapter at the very end. Trust me, the beginning of this one is along the same lines of that. I'm sure you'll be happy to read it.  
**

 **The title is from an unreleased song by The National of the same title. It's a good, good one. Listen to it. Enjoy this chapter first, though!**

* * *

 **Chapter 12 - You Were A Kindness**

* * *

Derek has no idea what is happening, beyond the fact that Meredith Grey is kissing him.

They are scrubbing out after a successful surgery, their hands still humid and raw, and before he knows what's going on, Meredith lunges forward and kisses him.

He has to admit there was a little flirting in the OR – veiled, nothing too heavy – but he never expected to win such a kiss after that.

To be honest, he was flirting only because it is endearing to see Meredith flustered, but she's getting better and better at reining her emotions. Well, or so Derek thought. Now his brain can barely process coherent thoughts in the first place.

He can feel her warm hands on his chest as he rests his right one between her cheek and neck. It took him completely by surprise for the first couple of seconds, but now he's an eager and active participant in the kiss.

When they pull away, Meredith looks gorgeously flustered.

"Shit," she mutters between herself, and all the endorphins quiet down in his brain.

Meredith backs away, putting a couple of steps between them as she stares at him, frightened.

"Meredith, – " he begins, trying to reassure her, but she never lets him finish.

"Shit! That was not supposed to happen," she says, taking a deep breath, her gaze cast low now.

"It's okay."

"No, Derek, it's not. I have two kids that depend on me to be balanced and organized, one of them who needs a new heart too. I don't have time for romance, I can't –"

"I get it. I know Logan and Ethan are your priority."

"Derek, Europe was all-consuming. I can't do all-consuming again."

Derek sighs. He knows she's right, he doesn't feel like going through all the Europe feelings again, he knows they're different people now, more adult and established. It was indeed easy to fall back into the usual trap of feelings that gripped them for their vacation. He agrees one-hundred percent with her on the fact that they can't do that again; what he doesn't agree on is the fact that they can't do it differently, because he knows there's a lot of potential for them.

After her confession about Logan's sickness and the on call room night, they have been pretty peaceful around each other. The tension seemed to have disappeared, in lieu of a peaceful support. Now all the animosity is roaring back to life.

Derek lets her disappear out of the scrub room, knowing that not chasing her it's what he does best; his heart feels heavier. Even if she exposed her vulnerability, he wishes he could be there for her to feel vulnerable with. He wishes they both could be as raw and broken as they can be with one another, but they haven't regained that level of trust, yet.

He walks slowly back to his office, trying to wrangle his brain back into work mode, but it's quite unsuccessful. He's only grateful work means only a couple more hours of paperwork and an easy ER consult, nothing more complicated than that.

His head feels lighter and heavier by the time he's sitting on his porch, sipping a glass of scotch and staring at his land. Fall is here, and he's bundled in a blanket. The only sounds in the night are his breath and a few wild animals scampering for food.

When his phone rings he's so startled he drops it. Luckily, he can answer the call before it goes to voicemail.

"Uncle Derek!" Annabel's voice makes his heart sing for a few seconds. That girl has a special power over him.

"Hey there, my Annie-Mer! How are you doing?"

"Good. Are you working?"

"No, not this time." She tried calling a couple of days ago and he had been in the middle of a surgery. The entire OR staff had been pretty curious and amused to discover how much his niece loved surgery.

"Cool. It's weird if I call you and you're cutting somebody's brain open." He can clearly hear Lizzie call her full name _and_ surname after that, but he only chuckles.

"It is. And I'm sure it's distracting when I ask for instruments. I'm sorry I'm at work most of the time."

"Daddy works lots too. And you worked lots when you were home too, I remember."

That he can't deny. "So, how's school?" he asks, changing the subject to shift the conversation onto easier topics.

"Pretty cool. We have a field trip coming. We're going to the museum!"

"Which one?"

"Mmm...the one all about science, I think?"

Derek laughs. The New York Hall of Science in Queens is usually a hit between all his nieces and nephews, so he's not surprised they're taking them there. "Have you ever been there?"

"Mommy says no. I'm excited! I'm gonna share candy with Remy on the bus and we'll have so much fun!"

His laughter bubbles up again. Candy is something to be very excited about when you're eight. "That sounds awesome!"

"Have you ever been to the museum, Uncle Derek?"

"Yes, a couple of times. You'll love it, AM."

"I know," she says, and she's probably shrugging. Man, he misses his niece. "Uncle Derek, Mommy told Daddy you have a girlfriend when I wasn't supposed to hear, is that true?"

Derek's eyes widen. Is that what his family thinks back East? "I have no girlfriend, Annie. You are the only woman in my life."

"But Uncle Derek, I think I want to ask Will if he wants to be my boyfriend, is that okay?"

Derek sighs loudly, pretending to be hurt. "I guess. Is he a nice boy? Or do I need to join your daddy and interrogate him?"

"Will is super nice! He shares his eraser with me all the time and we always sit together at lunch. He doesn't care that I'm a girl."

"Well, sounds like a nice guy," Derek says, fake-pondering over her answer.

"I'm not breaking your heart, right?"

"Oh, Annie Mer, never. You'll never break my heart."

Annabel laughs, and his heart feels heavy. It will feel bittersweet indeed when she'll have a serious boyfriend or a husband, but that's life. He'd be happy to babysit her children when he'll be alone and retired.

That's how he sees his life going now, a lot of loneliness after he stops being a doctor. His dreams of a family have been set aside, to make room for being a good friend to Meredith and an incredible doctor to his patients. That's it. That's all Derek Shepherd will be, and he needs to learn to accept that.

"Okay, Uncle Derek, I have to say goodbye. Mommy wants to talk to you!"

"Alright. Be good and don't eat too much candy, okay?"

"Kay! Love you!"

"I love you too, Annabel Meredith."

There's a static shuffling sound before his sister can greet him.

"How are you doing, Lizzie?"

"How am _I_ doing?" She's giggling.

"Liz, Meredith is not my girlfriend."

"She used to be, and now she's right there with you." Now she sounds just like she did when she was eleven, teasing him about his first crush.

"She wasn't my girlfriend back then and she has seven-year-old twin sons now."

"Oh, wow. That's...wow." Lizzie clearly pauses, which gives Derek room to take a deep breath. "I thought it was going well with you two."

"It's...We fought a lot at the beginning and now we're kind of friends, but it's complicated."

"Why, because she has kids? You love kids. Derek, you love Annie as if she were your own. Hell, sometimes I think you love her more than my husband."

"What? What did Joel do? Are you guys okay?"

"I think it's just a rough patch. We're trying to work things out."

"Oh, Lizzie, I'm sorry."

"Hey, that's life. Always delivering low blows."

"You're preaching to the choir." He sighs. He can't believe his sister is not doing okay anymore. Her family was always picture-perfect, the family Derek strived to have, even if he's not sure he might survive the six kids.

"Where's the kids' father?" Lizzie asks, turning the conversation around.

"Not in the picture. I can't bring myself to ask. I suspect he might have been a one night stand kinda guy, not long after we came back from Europe."

"Oh, makes sense. You came back the day Annie was born or around it, right?"

"Yeah." The day is imprinted vividly in his mind. "I have no idea when they were born, though. Maybe she was already pregnant when she was in Europe and she didn't know, I have no idea. I doubt we'll discuss that anytime soon."

Lizzie sighs. "Derek, I'm sorry."

"It's okay. It's getting easier. At least she's here, you know? And I can be there for her."

"That's good."

"The younger of the two, Logan, needs a heart transplant, so I might be a little busier when it will all start falling into place. I told her I'd help her out and I plan on being there for them."

"Oh, Derek. Are you sure you can?"

"I need to. I like her boys, and she can't do everything alone. She needs people. I mean, who's a better choice, me or Ellis Grey?"

Lizzie giggles. "You have a point."

"Ellis Grey is strangely very grandmotherly with those boys, you should see that. A sight to behold. Maybe she's getting senile."

"Derek!" Lizzie exclaims in her mom voice. Derek laughs. "I read her papers sometimes and she's still brilliant."

"Indeed. I'm kidding. I have to laugh about this situation Liz or I'd be overwhelmed. Humor is my only way to deal with this."

"Always the deflector, eh?"

He's not proud of it, but he nods. They hear a crash from the phone and Lizzie sighing loudly. "This time I hope it's the dog, I really don't want to spend the rest of my afternoon in the ER for somebody's stitches."

Derek smiles. "Good luck with that. I'll call you and Annie sometime this week, okay?"

"Bye, Derek!"

All the flurry of family and smiles disappears as the phone goes silent. The ice in his scotch has melted and it's even colder outside now.

He shivers, unsure if it's from the cold outside or the chills in his heart.

* * *

After that evening call and the subsequent two glasses of scotch, Derek has made peace with himself and slowly even Meredith became more friendly with him. It took her a couple of weeks to actually say good morning first, but now everything is on the same plateau they were at before she kissed him.

Not bad, but it could be better.

He still hasn't figured out much more about Meredith's life in the years they've been apart nor more details about her sons, but he has seen Logan come in for tests a couple of times, which he's not sure if it's a good or a bad sign.

His life now is packed with a lot of surgeries – most of which he tries to schedule Meredith in – and a glass of scotch each night he makes it home, as he stares into the darkness of his forty acres of land.

Miserable is not an adjective he'd use to describe himself, but Derek is pretty sure life should have a bit more to offer.

He scrubs out of his latest surgery thoroughly, for a moment dreading the paperwork. He just wants to drop everything and have lunch. He's not looking forward to telling this family that their teenager might never wake up again after the car crash. There's hope, but not enough for him to be hopeful. It's the family's job the be hopeful, now.

"I'm sorry about Anthony. You did your best." Meredith exits the OR a moment after him, bringing him the hope he needs.

"Sometimes your best is not enough."

"I hate this part of the job."

"Me too," he says, sighing loudly.

They share a look as they scrub out, before Meredith reaches for his hand under the faucet and squeezes it. It's firm and tight, a sign of support and closeness they haven't shared in a while.

"I know you said you want to be there for me, but I can be your friend too."

"Meredith –"

"Yeah, there's a lot on my plate, but I can make room for some of this when you need to."

"Oh," he murmurs, unable to say something more coherent. Thanking her should be a given, but words are stuck in his throat, between all the words for Anthony's family. He settles for squeezing her hand back, rubbing her flesh, unable to let go.

The smile she gives him will let him function for a week more.

* * *

 **A/N: You thought I forgot all about Annabel, uh? While she's only a recurring character in this one, she's really helpful at times, so expect her to show up again! I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and stay tuned for more!  
**


	13. Lit Up

**A/N: Readers, you were loudly asking for some bonding between Derek and the twins? Now you have it!**

 **Song from this chapter is taken from the album _Alligator_. As usual, all of them are incredible songs, so...**

 **Enjoy, it's a long one!**

* * *

 **Chapter 13 - Lit Up**

* * *

Meredith is hurrying down the stairs after her shift, knowing that she's already late, and, as predicted, Logan and Ethan are already waiting patiently in the lobby for her.

"I'm here!" she calls out. She approaches the boys with a smile. Ethan is sitting on one of the chairs with his backpack forgotten on the ground, while Logan is engrossed in his book; in hearing his mother's voice Ethan jumps up on his feet, ready to go, while it takes Logan a bit more to react. "I'm sorry it took me so long, but..."

"You were in surgery, we know," Ethan smiles when Meredith kisses the top of his head and flattens his dark blond hair.

"I almost finished my book!" Logan grins proudly, and she kisses his cheek too.

"Good work in the OR today, Dr. Grey."

They all turn around when they hear the relaxed masculine voice call out, recognizing Derek standing there with his briefcase, already dressed to go home while Meredith is still in her scrubs.

"It was a pleasure working with you, Dr. Shepherd," she says, trying to control the blush that spreads on her cheeks. She doesn't need to make a fool of herself in front of her boys when Derek is concerned, so she keeps herself busy with the process of getting them ready.

"Mom, I can put on a jacket by myself. I'm almost eight, you know." Ethan sighs annoyed when she fixes a few wrinkles and smooths the collar of his jacket.

"You're not. You barely turned seven, Shrimp."

They both notice Derek smirking amused at that, then, and Meredith rolls her eyes, muttering "Boys" while shaking her head. Logan giggles beside her.

"All right then." She smiles, then they all groan when her pager beeps. "Not alright," she murmurs, turning to Ethan and Logan with an apology written in her eyes.

"Emergency?" Logan asks almost like a statement as he watches her pick up her pager, before she could even speak.

"Look, go down in the cafeteria, I'll be back as soon as I can, I'll ask one of my interns to look after you for a minute, – "

"Mom, we really need to go home and do the science project." Logan groans, and Meredith buries her face in her hands for a moment, trying not to snap or cry at the fact that once again, she's going to disappoint her children.

"I'm sorry, boys. I am so sorry," she murmurs, her voice cracking at the end.

"I can take them home." Derek's voice interrupts their discussion, and Meredith turns to him with a strange glare. Her gaze immediately softens when she spots his good intentions. "Look, I'm off for the weekend and I have nowhere else to be. I've got countless nephews that tell me I'm amusing," he adds, smirking, trying to charm her with his McDreamy smile.

"Derek –" His look persists and she caves, knowing that she's too weak to resist it any longer. She has borne his looks for the whole length of their surgery together and she can't help but give in at this point. "Ethan, Logan, just...I want to find a house when I come home, okay?"

"Mom, we need to build a volcano, not blow up the house." Ethan groans, clearly annoyed by the assumption.

Meredith's pager beeps again and she sighs. "I want them all in one piece, Dr. Shepherd. And keep a close eye on Logan." She points a finger to Derek menacingly then, before sprinting down the corridor.

* * *

"Okay then, Dr. Shepherd," sing-songs Ethan, turning to smile at Derek, clearly looking smug that he has won this round with his mom.

"First of all, you can call me Derek, and you have to guide me to your house because I have no clue where we need to go," Derek says with a smile, making the boys laugh out loud. They walk side by side towards the parking lot when Derek asks: "How's the arm?" when he spots the lack of a cast on Ethan's forearm.

"As good as new, I haven't had the cast in aaaaages! Though Mom still bugs me about it." Ethan shakes his head at the amusing memory. "She can be a little..."

"Oh, I understand that. I'm the only boy in my family and my mother was just the same." Derek smiles at the idea of discovering Meredith as a mother, especially that kind of mother her sons are picturing her as. When they met on their plane, she could have been anything in the world, but not a mother. Seeing her with Logan and Ethan though has shifted his whole world.

"Well, it's just us and Mom, so I think she's allowed to hover a little more," Ethan sighs, sadness appearing on his boyish features. "I mean, we know a lot of people, but when it comes down to it, it's just the three of us."

"Where is your father?" Derek asks when they reach the car, and he sees the boy shrug once again, sadness still present on his features. Logan climbs in quietly in the back after Ethan, holding his book as if it were his most prized possession.

"Mom always says that he doesn't know we exist because she never told him. She looks sad every time I mention him, so I just don't."

"I'm sorry, I didn't want to pry or – "

"It's okay. I just wish I could have a dad to do boyish stuff with, that's all. Like hiking or building a science project. I love having a brother, but we can't do much when there's not an adult with us."

Derek looks at Ethan and he's reminded too much of himself after his father died. The smile he tries to manage barely reaches the corners of his mouth because of it.

"I know what it's like," he admits, going to sit on his seat.

"You don't have a dad, too?" Ethan asks surprised, his tone perking up as his blue eyes stare deeply into his.

"He died when I was a little older than you are," Derek confesses, clicking his seatbelt in place and noticing with pleasure that Ethan and Logan have already done the same.

"I'm sorry." Ethan hums, his voice muffled by the revving of the engine.

"It was a long time ago." Derek shrugs, pretending that it doesn't hurt, while they all know it does. It's a hurt that never goes away.

They remain in silence for a while, the GPS guiding him through the right intersections while he drives and the two boys whisper in the backseat. They're halfway there when Logan speaks. "Can you help us with the volcano?" he asks, his voice barely above a whisper.

Derek turns towards the boys at the first red light, seeing the same vulnerability he remembers seeing in Meredith back in Europe, when she spoke about her family or the things that went wrong in her life. They have the same eyes, except theirs are a deep, familiar blue.

"I know you're my babysitter and babysitters usually don't do this stuff, but..." Logan prods, scared a little by the silence. "We were supposed to do this with a buddy but nobody wants to be my buddy 'cause I have no daddy and they wanted their daddies to do this with them, so I picked Ethan, and he has good ideas, but we –"

Derek smiles sadly at the boys, loving his Meredith-like ramble, but hating that her son feels so isolated. "Of course I can help."

"Really?" Ethan's eyes widen, and he looks genuinely surprised. "I can ask Uncle Alex, but I dunno if he can build a good volcano."

"I built a volcano with my friend Mark when I was a kid, I know what I'm doing. I will help you." Derek sees the boys relax more and more as he speaks. He's glad that while Meredith is still very uncertain about their relationship, he can find a way to get to know her sons – a big part of her life in Seattle.

"Good, 'cause Mom is a mess with crafty stuff." Ethan giggles, relieved, and Derek spots the so familiar smile of Meredith mirrored in her boy. He's definitely her son, no doubt about it. "Logan, I told you Derek was going to help us build the volcano!" Ethan says excitedly, poking his brother. Both boys smile widely.

"Thank you, Derek," Logan says, his smile like a precious gift. "Mom hates doing projects with us. She says we drive her insane."

"She's not good at building things in general." Ethan giggles.

"She can't cook either." Derek smiles, memories flooding freely.

"Not really. Luckily we have Oma or we would have starved to death." Logan snickers.

"I'm sure she would have learned to cook for you."

"After burning the house down once or twice, probably. I think she sets off the smoke detectors once a week." Ethan chuckles. "That's why she doesn't want us to do crafty stuff."

"Yeah, she has never been the most trustworthy person when it comes to crafty stuff," Derek adds, chuckling himself.

"She's a surgeon, but she's so bad at the rest of the stuff." Ethan grins. "But she can't be good at everything, right?"

"I believe she tries every time, though."

"It's funny how hard she tries not to curse in front of us when she does." At this point, Ethan is rolling in his seat, shaken by a fit of laughter, probably memories of said moments passing through his head or an inside joke between him and Logan, because the other boy is cracking up as well.

"We're here!" Logan blurts, almost breathless, when he recognizes his house in the late afternoon light.

Derek stops the car, waits for the boys to climb out of his sedan, then follows them to the porch, watching as Logan expertly unlocks the door, making his way inside, Ethan hot on his heels.

"Are you hungry, Derek?" Ethan asks, his voice apparently carrying out from the kitchen."Do you want a snack or something?"

"No, I'm good but well..." Derek smiles, entering the same room and rolling up his sleeves. He's amused by the fact that the first thing the boy offered is food, especially since Ethan is trying to find a snack for himself. "Let's see what do you have to put together a decent dinner."

"We can order pizza, it's fine, -"

"No, I feel like cooking for you. Your mother told me I'm a good cook a long time ago. We can brainstorm the volcano ideas while I cook. Unless you guys want pizza..."

"That's fine," Logan says, unfazed.

Derek smiles softly, opening the cupboards casually, retrieving ingredients as both children stare at him, curiosity filling their blue eyes.

"How do you know Mommy? Are you her boss?" Logan blurts, his curiosity having the better of him.

"I am. But I met her before she was a doctor. We met on a plane to Italy. She was traveling alone, so did I. On the flight there, we were sitting next to each other and we became friends quickly; we ended up spending the rest of trip together." Derek replies honestly, because there's no harm in telling them that they've been friends. It's not like they need to know that she's his ex-girlfriend or something like that. He never tried to define Meredith aside from being the love of his life, and he's certainly not going to try to define her to her sons in the middle of her kitchen.

"She told us about the trip, once or twice." Logan looks pensive.

"It was a long time ago, though."

"That's exactly what she said." Ethan smiles.

Derek starts putting together a few ingredients in a bowl and the boys stare at him fascinated.

"What are you going to make?" Logan asks.

"Gateau" Derek smiles, turning to the boys, who both stand up and walk closer to him, inspecting the bowl. "It's a dish with potatoes I learned to cook in France when I went there with your mom and she loved it."

"Oh. We need to save her some, then," Ethan says, excited.

"I'll make enough for the four of us." Derek smiles, his heart warming at the idea of finally cooking for someone else.

He's been feeling lonely for a long time. So long that he has almost forgotten what it feels like to share his day with someone else. He has lived by inertia for too long, just getting up, doing his surgeries and wasting his lonely days fishing or reading medical magazines. His life has become a senseless blob of voices, faces, colors, that hardly make sense to him anymore. It is not the life he pictured for himself when he was a kid in medical school, but he's more than ready to flip it upside down now, even if it means winning over the trust of these two boys.

"What do you want to drink, Derek?" He hears Ethan ask and when he turns around the boys have already set the table. Logan is holding up a jug of water and looking at him questioningly.

"Water is fine." He smiles, doing the last touch-up on the gateau, then putting it in the oven.

The three of them sit at the table as Logan gathers pen and paper. When he gets back, Ethan asks: "How do you think we can make our volcano?"

"Well, I'm not an expert in volcanoes, but maybe you should do a little scenery around the cone, not the experiment only, just to make it more unique," Derek suggests.

"We have an idea for that, we talked about it in recess, but we got no idea how to make the lava spurt out." Ethan sighs.

"Well, I have an idea, but your mother won't like it."

"What is it?" Ethan and Logan exchange pleased smiles as soon as the idea of disobeying has set in their minds.

"Do you have Diet Coke and Mentos?"

"Hopefully. We don't really drink soda because Mommy says it's too bad for us, but we keep some in case we have guests."

The boys rummage in the pantry and come out carrying a bottle of coke and a pack of Mentos each.

"Okay," Derek begins, smiling widely and remembering the first time he did this with Mark in his backyard. He opens the candy packet and hands a couple to Ethan. "Pile them on a toothpick, then we can go outside."

Ethan follows the instructions as Logan holds the toothpick, then they follow Derek in the backyard.

"Okay, the bigger you want the explosion, the more Mentos you have to use," Derek explains as he sets up the experiment.

"It's gonna explode?!" Logan exclaims, his eyes twinkling under the dimming sunset light. Ethan looks just as excited.

"You'll see." Derek smirks, then puts the bottle of coke in the middle of the grass, muttering to himself: "My land would have been better for this."

"Your land?" Ethan asks, puzzled.

"Oh, the place where I live. It's near the ferryboats dock on Bainbridge. Four empty acres of trees and grass. There's a small lake too. With trouts."

"You can fish there?" Logan asks.

"You like to fish?" Derek says, surprised.

"I don't know, but it would be fun to try." Logan shrugs.

Suddenly, Derek can easily picture the boys by his side as he fishes, filling a void he doesn't even know was beside him. The idea of teaching Meredith's boys to fish is exhilarating, and awakens all his fatherly dreams he could never fulfill. Even if they're almost grown boys, he feels like he would love being a father figure for these two.

"I'll see what we can do about that, okay?"

"Really?" Logan's eyes are wide, as he and Ethan exchange a meaningful glance.

"If the science project turns out to be a success and your mother agrees, why not?"

"Thank you, Derek." Ethan's tone is full of amazement, and Derek's heart swells with emotions he can't place. He will have time to go over tonight as soon as Meredith gets back. Before then he has to be the responsible adult.

"What do we need to do to make the experiment, Derek?" Ethan says quickly, interrupting his thoughts.

"Well, right now, you need to throw the Mentos inside the bottle, then just run back here, okay?"

"Is it dangerous?" Logan asks, concerned.

"Do you want me to do it for you?" Derek says, watching the hesitancy on both boys' faces.

"I can do it," Ethan replies, frowning a little, the same stubbornness of his mother clearly on display. It amuses Derek to find all the traits the boys share with Meredith and pick them out. In a way, he feels closer to her than ever.

He watches as Ethan walks slowly towards the bottle, uncaps it then throws the Mentos inside. When he starts walking backwards, they see a fountain of coke exploding out of the bottle and the boys squeal in delight.

"Whoa Derek, that was _so cool_!" Logan exclaims, fascinated. "Can I do it, too?"

"Go ahead."

Derek sees the smile build up on the kid's face and wonders if one day he'll be able to teach this trick to his children. The idea that he might never have any of his own is daunting.

"We're so gonna get an A on this project!" Ethan high-fives his brother, and they are both elated.

"If you come over to my land tomorrow we can try the right amount of Mentos to build a decent explosion that we can manage inside, otherwise you will have to bring the whole class in the yard to show off your volcano."

"Awesome! We also need to build the volcano part."

"I can help you with that as well. After we have figured out what kind of bottle we need we'll work around it and see how many supplies we need."

"Ethan? Logan? Derek?" They all chuckle as they hear the small voice call for them. It brings back Derek to his own childhood, when his mom had to almost drag him out of their backyard for dinner in the summer.

"We're in the yard," Derek says, calling out.

Meredith appears in her backyard with a stern expression on her face, a little confused and curious at the same time about why they're not inside; for Derek, she has never been more stunning.

"What are you doing?"

"Trying out an idea for the volcano, Mommy," Logan says, his eyes sparkling.

Meredith looks around and notices the bottle in the middle of the grass patch, then she gives Derek a stern look. "Mentos and Coke, Derek? Seriously?"

"It's the coolest thing ever!" Ethan squeals, both boys smiling so widely their cheeks must hurt. "Has Derek ever shown that to you?"

"He has many tricks up his sleeve," she finally concedes, smiling. She looks slightly more relaxed at the fact that Derek and her boys are getting along. "You did risk a blow up, though."

"We need to perfect this overtime" Derek smiles, before going back to gather the halfway empty bottle and go inside with Meredith; Ethan and Logan have already disappeared in the kitchen.

"Meredith," he says, stopping her jog inside, and he can see a million worries flooding her mind.

"What?" she asks shyly.

"I...It's not my place, I know, but tomorrow I have the day off and I wanted to ask you to bring Ethan and Logan to my place so we can finish the volcano. I have a lot of room on my land and I promised..."

"You...It's not...We can manage, really," she stammers.

"I'm...I had fun with them today and I promised we'd do this together." Derek watches her features put up her usual defensive wall, and he's afraid he'll never breach it again.

"I'll explain to the boys that you have better things to do than blow up stuff, you don't need to clear up your schedule for a science project."

"I want to do this, and my schedule is clear," he says resolutely. "Ethan told me that...well, my father wasn't around to blow up coke because he was murdered and they don't have one either at the moment," Derek says simply, "I just want to be able to help them build a volcano on my day off."

At this point, Derek can see tears in Meredith's eyes, tears she's fighting hard not to spill.

"I'm sorry. I have no idea what happened to his father and I know it's not my business. I'm sorry, just forget about it..." Derek mumbles, before walking away, worried that he has just crossed another line.

"Derek." She stops him, reversing the roles. "You can spend time with the kids tomorrow or anytime you want. They deserve that."

A smile blossoms on Derek's face before he can even realize what is happening. He can't believe how much fun he had today, and that he's going to do this again tomorrow. It feels surreal.

"Thank you. I owe you one," he says brightly, before skipping back to the kitchen.

* * *

Meredith lingers a little at the threshold of her kitchen, watching Derek and Ethan smiling brightly, Logan excitedly tagging along and she can see so many perfect things in this picture.

"Thank you, Mommy!" Ethan leaps from his chair to hug her tightly as soon as he spots her. "I really liked spending time with Derek."

"I'm sure you did." She smiles, hugging him just as tightly and kissing the top of his head. "Did you have a good time, Berry?" she asks, then, turning to Logan.

"The best," he says, his smile spreading slowly and brightly on his features.

As soon as Ethan lets go of her, it's Logan's turn for a hug. He basks in her arms a little longer than usual, his head lowering on her shoulder more heavily.

"How are you doing, Logan?"

"I'm a little tired, but we did lots today. I kept the score in Gym and had a spelling test."

"And you built a volcano. It's quite the day indeed."

Meredith smiles and kisses the top of his head, though the worry nagging her doesn't disappear. The fact that he tires so easily is to be expected, but it still breaks her heart. Ethan looks like he spent an entire day running around and being his very active self, but he doesn't look nearly as wiped as Logan.

"You feeling okay to have dinner with us or you just want something quick and get to bed?" she murmurs, and Logan perks up.

"I wanna have dinner. Derek made something French!"

"Oh, let me check on that" Derek smirks at the excited yelp of Logan, peeking in the oven and noticing that luckily nothing had burned.

"What did you do?" Meredith sighs, resigned at his helpfulness, but still pleased that he has invaded her space this evening. Figuring out dinner after a long shift is always a challenge, by being here he just took one thing off her plate – and filled it at the same time.

"Gateau." Derek turns and smirks in his McDreamy way that makes her want to kiss him again. She can't though, and she's grateful Logan in her lap physically prevents her from doing it.

"You didn't have to do this," she complains, more out of a habit and not very heatedly since the wonderful smell has reached her nostrils.

"And what, leave your starving sons with an empty stomach?"

"He has a point, Mommy. I'm so hungry I might die." Ethan shrugs at that and Meredith's eyes flash to Derek, well knowing the memory that starts flowing in their heads.

* * *

 _The sex was mind-blowing. Earth-shattering. Toe-curling. Nothing like she had had before and she really liked sex. Derek was just…_

" _Wow," she said breathless, after the countless orgasm, falling in a heap on top of him._

" _We are good at this." Derek smirked, kissing her swollen lips._

" _Oh we are," she mumbled, their foreheads touching._

" _I'm hungry now." Derek grinned and chuckled lightly._

" _Really?"_

" _Yeah, I'm so hungry I might die."_

" _I know a better way to die." Meredith grinned, trailing a series of kisses from his lips down to his chest and stomach, stopping at his navel._

" _I like your way, but really..."_

 _He couldn't finish the sentence when Meredith's stomach rumbled loudly and they both laughed happily, one in the arms of the other._

* * *

"Let's eat then," Meredith says in a strained voice, trying to cover up the blush on her cheeks and the sudden heat that envelops her.

For both their sakes, the timer dings and Derek busied himself with the gateau, until it's served in the four plates and they are all sitting at the table.

Meredith asks her sons about school and all the possible topics that pass through her mind; anything to keep herself from thinking about sex with Derek. Because having him so close does weird things to her hormones. And she hasn't been this horny since she was pregnant.

"Mommy, are you even listening?"

"Yeah," she mumbled, covering up her flustered sigh, trying to recompose herself.

"Uh, seriously, we could have cursed three times and you wouldn't have noticed."

"I'm sorry, Shrimp." She looks at their mischievous smiles and twinkling eyes, so similar to their father's, then smirks as well. "You haven't cursed, have you?"

"No, they haven't. I can confirm." Derek pipes up, smiling softly.

"Good." She smiles, then takes the first bite of her gateau. And gosh, it's just as good as she remembers it to be. So good that she actually moans after swallowing. "So good."

"You're good at cooking Derek," Logan says, chewing happily. "Maybe you can teach Mommy."

"Oh, I tried, she's a lost cause."

"I am not!" Meredith retorts fiercely.

"Oh, what about Provence? You couldn't tell what was gnocchi and what the sauce. I showed you twice!"

"Oh shut up, they were edible."

"Uh, barely." Derek shakes his head, trying to look stern, but he fails completely, then they both bursts into laughter.

* * *

The rest of the evening passes quickly, between laughter and old memories they bring back to life and share with Ethan and Logan, until it's time for Derek to go back home.

He has dreaded this moment because for a night he was his normal self again; sharing his life with Meredith and her sons makes him feel alive. He fears his lonely return to the cold trailer and the emptiness of his land.

They say goodbye when both kids are just about ready for bed and Derek wins another hug from both boys, before closing the door behind his back.

It almost feels like he's leaving his family behind and he has no idea what that means.

* * *

 **A/N: Derek is clueless? We know. From now on the time in this fic will slow down considerably, so even though a while will pass between one update and the other, in fic-time it will be like no time has passed at all. A few chapters might only cover one or two days. Keep that in mind.**

 **Thank you for your patience, both with me and Clueless Derek! I hope you enjoyed the bonding time between the boys. Stay tuned for more!**


	14. I'll Explain Everything to the Geeks

**A/N: Welcome back! So, I lied and a few days indeed passed between the previous chapter and this one. But trust me, you won't be disappointed.**

 **This title is from _Vanderlyle Crybaby Geeks,_ which is also the very first The National song I have ever heard. Any significance for that? I have no idea. I just know that the acapella version sung by all the fans at their Pistoia Blues concert last year gave me the chills. **

**Enjoy this update, then, and I know you will!**

* * *

 **Chapter 14 - I'll Explain Everything To The Geeks**

* * *

A long night means a long day, but Derek knows he has to be ready for it. It is a pretty dreary day outside, with the sun barely shining; it matches his mood perfectly.

It's been a few days since he spent his weekend with Ethan and Logan, playing around at Meredith's house and then on his land, trying to make the perfect volcano, and that is still the highlight of his week.

Thursdays are...something. He always needs the aid of a bright spot to get over them.

Today, the bright spot in his Thursday comes from a letter on his office desk. His name is spelled in childlike letters with a bright blue Sharpie, wobbly and determined at the same time. There are no stamps or a return address, so he assumes it's not one of his nieces or nephews, but he has no idea who it might be. He did treat a couple of young patients in the last few days, but he's not sure if it wins him a card.

Curiosity has the better of him and he opens it quickly, pulling out an invitation.

It's typed up on the computer and printed, and his lips curl up in a smile when he notices the signatures, made with the same Sharpie.

Ethan and Logan.

He reads the rest of it carefully.

* * *

 _Dear Derek,_

 _You helped us lots with the volcano so we are inviting you to the science fair at our school._

 _It's gonna be at 3.30pm on Friday, October 10._

 _It will be awesome if you come and make the volcano explode with us._

 _Love,_

 _Ethan & Logan_

* * *

Derek smiles at the pictures of volcanoes they put at the bottom of the page, and he sighs. He only then notices the post-it in the back, this time with Meredith's writing on it.

 _You don't have to come, but if you can make it, here's the school's address. -M_

He knows it's tomorrow, but the first impulse is to check his calendar and free up his schedule.

Since he moved to Seattle, Ethan and Logan and the only two people that can keep him from wishing he was at work. If Meredith agreed to a date, maybe she would convince him as well, but for now she's not giving in, so he lets her be.

Also, part of him is proud of this project just as much as the boys are, and it makes him go back in time to actually show it off.

He makes some calls and secures an afternoon off for tomorrow, which he thinks he deserves anyway, considering he just pulled a double shift and he's been in the hospital for the past thirty odd hours.

Derek is not sure if he should check in with Meredith or not, but he decides to surprise the boys instead. He's pretty excited to see the look on their faces.

* * *

Derek is jittery as he parks his car in the parking lot of Queen Anne Elementary School.

It feels surreal to walk inside an elementary school again. Maybe he hasn't been in one since he was in school himself. They all kind of look the same, though: corridors that are never big enough for soccer games with improvised balls, walls covered in artworks and projects made during the year, and awards – always lots of awards and plaques.

There are also signs directing him to the science fair, for which he's grateful. Derek finds himself in the school gym without getting lost, and he considers it a success.

A student who looks like a fifth-grader welcomes him, giving him a piece of paper and explaining that the visitors can help pick the winner of the fair, not just the teachers' committee. He only has to write on the paper the names of the students whose project he liked the most, but only three projects, ranked in order of preference. The one who will receive most votes from both the visitors and the teachers will win the fair.

Derek has no doubt who he will put in the first spot. He wonders if he can cheat and just write Ethan and Logan's names three times.

He spots the twins at the very end of the fair, and he's determined to look through the rest of the projects before he finds them. The expectations build as he walks down the hall, and he's really curious to see the boys again.

It takes him a moment before he approaches them. He looks at Meredith for a beat first, watching her smile and how her eyes are sparkling. Ethan and Logan's eyes are shining with pride, too. Derek keeps waiting as the boys entertain a small group of people, gathered in front of them to see the controlled explosion.

His heart leaps when the volcano erupts soda and all the other kids start giggling. The twins look beyond happy.

"Aww, I just missed the show," he says as his own introduction, and both twins turn to him sharply, their smiles widening as they grin at one another.

"I told you he would come," Logan murmurs, and even if Ethan was the only one supposed to hear, Derek also catches it, and it puts a smile on his face. "Hi, Derek!" Logan says, more loudly.

"Hey, guys. I see that the volcano is a success!" Derek says, a smile on his face.

"All the people are saying they're voting for us! Even if it's the third spot we still get points, so it's super cool!" Ethan interjects. "Isn't that right, Mommy?"

Derek watches as Meredith blushes slightly when Ethan throws her into the conversation. She looks adorable.

"You're right, Ethan. Everybody is loving your volcano."

"You guys had the best idea," Derek adds, strangely proud. Both boys have smiles a mile wide.

"You helped lots, though," Logan says, shrugging.

"But you had the idea for it. And for most of the project I was just the hands. You and Ethan are the brains of this project."

Both boys giggle. "That's funny, 'cause you're the one that works with brains."

Derek laughs at Logan's joke.

Logan is a lot shyer than Ethan, quiet and reserved, but when that boy opens up, he's funny and smart. Their personalities are compatible in a way that Derek only saw in Nancy's twins, and he's fascinated. He's glad he can spend some time with them and get to know them better. Especially if he wants to be anywhere close to Meredith.

Another small group of people comes, and Logan and Ethan spring into action to show off the volcano. They try to answer all the questions, and when they're puzzled, they turn to Meredith first, and she always answers pointedly and politely, with the same grace she uses with family members when she updates them.

Derek is slightly taken aback when Logan asks him: "Derek, Cole wants to know what we used for the bottom of the volcano. Do you remember?"

He blinks for a second, surprised that he's there as an active participant all of a sudden and not just a visitor. "Wood," he replies quickly, then. "You remember the pile of scraps I have in the back of the trailer?"

Logan giggles. "You're right!" The boy then keeps chatting with his friend Cole about the making of the volcano in detail, surprising even Derek with the accuracy of detail.

"He remembers almost everything you do or say," Meredith whispers in his ear, startling him out of his thoughts. "It still surprises me, at times. This is one of those times."

Derek shares a smile with her, watching fascinated as pride shimmers in her eyes. She looks even more beautiful than usual now that she's talking about her children.

"He's quite remarkable." Derek nods. Then his smile fades a little when he remembers what the boy is going through. "How is he doing?"

Meredith sighs, then glances around at the groups of people wandering about. "Boys, I'm gonna show Derek your artworks in the corridor, okay? We'll be back."

"Thank you, Mommy! I'm afraid we're a little busy here."

Derek chuckles at Ethan's answer, but the fact that she's dragging him away doesn't bode well.

As promised, before she starts talking, she brings her in front of a wall covered in drawings. Each one of them uses only warm colors or cold colors, and they used different drawing techniques to execute them, which only makes the exhibit even more fascinating.

"These are beautiful."

"I know, right? They have a wonderful art teacher." Meredith sighs, her face changing. He knows this is the real reason why they're here, not just to show off their artistic abilities. "He needs to sleep like ten hours per day now. He crashes at seven thirty some nights."

"How are his test results?" He asks, taking in stride the quick change of subject.

"Not normal, but not panic mode results either. This is kind of the in-between phase."

"Did they give you a timeframe on how long it will be before he will desperately need the transplant or…?"

"Not really. They said the situation can remain stable for months, or it can change abruptly. We should only try to avoid excessive stress and strenuous activities, but it won't prevent anything in the long run."

"So it can happen without any notice?"

Meredith gulps. "That's what the cardiologist said, and what the books say. I mean, I don't trust myself with diagnoses for them or treating them, but I read about whatever they have, and this time…"

Meredith bites her lip, avoiding his gaze, her eyes on the artworks. He knows it's a bold move, but he grasps her hand in his and squeezes.

"You know you can ask for help anytime."

She nods, sighing, her eyes closing slowly, recomposing herself. He's glad he can give her some quiet strength. She relaxes next to him, and he feels even more bold, then.

Derek wraps his other arm around her shoulders and lets her cheek rest on his clavicle, holding her for a moment. "You're being so strong, Meredith."

"I'm not strong," she murmurs, holding him even more tightly.

"You are. And you have every right to be weak sometimes. Just know that I can be strong for you during those times." Derek knows that what he's saying is over every boundary they have, but she still nods against him, squeezing his hand even tighter. "That's what a good friend does, right?"

She smiles at that, and even if it's small and hidden, he considers it a victory.

"Thank you," she hums.

"Anytime," he replies, kissing the top of her head reverently.

Having Meredith in his arms feels just like it did when they were in Europe, no matter how long has passed. With that, Derek feels confident they can overcome anything, if they manage to stick together.

When she pulls away, he feels bereft, but they both know they have to go back with the boys. They are going to announce the winners soon.

* * *

The school theater is packed and more kids and parents keep filling it, as the committee for the science fair stands on the stage, the principal of the school holding the microphone.

Meredith looks down at Ethan and Logan, jittery with excitement, and then at Derek, who's standing proudly next to them, probably just as excited.

She doubted he would come, but the man is an endless source of surprises.

When the names of the third place winners are announced, both Logan and Ethan are stunned and start whispering, because they were pretty sure these two from the fifth grade were the ones to beat.

Second place wins a roar from the east side of the theater, and puts a glum expression on both her boys' faces. Apparently, these two girls were another favorite pair in the twins' list.

"So, onto the winners of this fair!" The principal's voice works as a spell to shut the chatting in the auditorium. Everybody is listening to what she has to say.

"The committee and the popular vote were for once in total agreement when it came to this project. We admired both the execution and the thorough explanations provided by the two little scientists, especially because they are so young. Congratulations to Ethan and Logan Grey for your incredible Volcano Pop!"

It takes everyone a moment to process the principal's words, but then both Ethan and Logan are jumping up for joy, jumping on her and hugging tightly each other. What warms her heart more than anything is how they're also hugging Derek.

Derek looks on top of the world, almost as if he was the winner himself. He's hugging her children so tightly her heart squeezes.

"Mommy, can Derek come up and take the prize with us?"

Her voice takes a second to come up, but then she says "Of course!"

Everybody is clapping as they get on the stage. Logan sticks to Derek like glue as Ethan grabs the microphone, over-excited.

"Thank you, everybody!" Ethan says, and she giggles. Now he's more than pretending to be a movie star, and that role would probably suit him better than anything else. "This is Derek. He helped us with the project and was super cool about destroying his land." People giggle, and Derek laughs loudly. "Logan and me are so happy for this prize, thanks!"

Everybody smiles as the principal hands both kids a medal, then they take a picture. First, the boys by themselves, then with the principal, and then at the very end, they also want a picture with Derek, which almost makes her shed a tear.

Derek stands in the middle, his arms around the boys, who are showing off their medals proudly. Ethan looks as goofy as Logan is serious, and it's probably one of the best pictures she has ever seen.

"Mommy!" Both boys come running to her, filled with energy.

"Derek said we can go fish at his trailer sometimes!" Ethan springs on her before he can even stop. "Can we, Mommy?"

"Please?" Logan adds, and they already have all the best techniques to make her cave.

Derek finally joins them, a smile on his face.

"What is this fishing trip they're talking about?"

"I told them they could come fishing with me if they won the fair or got an A on the project. They got both, so…"

The man is as sneaky as the twins. Even his sparkly eyes seem to be making her cave.

"Meredith, it doesn't have an expiration date," he says, his tone lower, as the kids are distracted. "I don't want to tire Logan too long, so it can be when he's better. Or it can just be fishing at my lake. I'm sure they won't mind."

"You have a lake?" she splutters, as if that was the only way that stood out from his speech, and not how mindful he was of Logan's needs.

Derek chuckles. "I do. Just say yes."

"Fine," she shakes her head, then raises her voice. "Boys, you can all go fish whenever Derek deems fit."

A chorus of yay and excited shouts comes from Ethan and Logan, before they both hug her and thank her profusely. Then they disappear in a flurry of energy, showing off their medal to all their friends and teachers.

Meredith retreats to a corner of the theater, just watching her boys interact, and then she feels Derek's presence there, next to her.

"Thank you for inviting me here. I would have missed a hell of a day if I were at work."

She smiles at him. "I'll print a copy of your picture with them, if you want."

"Of course. I have a little room on my office shelves, next to Annabel's yearbook picture."

Meredith grins, shaking her head. Clearly, some of the boys' silly has passed onto him.

Unless it's the other way round. She gulps, suddenly nervous.

"Derek," she begins, even though she has no idea how to continue. How to say what she was supposed to say long ago.

Yet, whatever she wanted to say is interrupted by Derek's lips, suddenly joining with hers. She freezes, taken aback, but then everything else falls away, because it's Derek and they're kissing again.

She has missed him so much sometimes it physically ached to be away from him, and now he's here and he's kissing her and…

She stops, and when they pull away, he looks apologetic. He doesn't need to say the words, but Meredith can see it in his face that he knows he screwed up.

"This high is worse than a surgical high," he mumbles, which would have stolen a smile from her if it were any other situation. Not this time. This time it only prevents her from freaking out.

"Derek –"

"Don't say anything," he interrupts her. "I was out of line. We're friends first. I hope this won't change anything. I'm sorry I got carried away."

Meredith nods, and he sighs loudly.

"I'll leave you three to it. I'll see you tomorrow at work," Derek says, before he moves to say goodbye to the boys.

Meredith watches him go, wondering for how long she can deny to herself that she still loves him, and hide it in plain sight.

* * *

 **A/N: So, Derek is getting bolder, and Meredith is being interrupted all the time. What will happen next? Blow-up like the volcano or a quieter explosion? I do say that next chapter will pick up right after this, and will have an unexpected POV. Am I a tease? Of course! :P**

 **Thank you for reading, still. While I am still busy, I will figure out some time to finish this project and all my ongoing ones, I promise.**


	15. Runaway

**A/N: Welcome back! I've been really bad at updating anything lately, but life is not as easy and straightforward as it used to be. I don't have as much free time for writing as I used to, so I really appreciate your patience with me. I'm working on everything, just...a lot slower than before.**

 **As usual, _Runaway_ is from the album _High Violet. I_ i'm pretty sure it was also used on the show at some point, so you'll recognize it if you go listen. **

**Now, I'm sure you people will like this chapter, but it will only make you crave the next one even more! Look out for the different POV in this! Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Chapter 15 - Runaway**

* * *

"Do you think we should ask Mommy?"

Logan looks at his brother as they are driving back home from the science fair. Both of them are staring at their medals, hanging from their necks. His medal is pretty shiny, all round and golden. Mommy said they give gold medals to all the winners all the time, because gold is really precious, but both he and Ethan are doubtful it's real gold.

Still, they have bigger things to worry about.

"Ask what?"

"About her kissing Derek. Do you think it's like in the movies?"

"Like...they're in love?" Logan says, and both he and Ethan grimace at the mere idea. "Mommy said she only loves us."

"Then why are they kissing? It's gross." Ethan looks disgusted, and he has to agree with him. Kissing is really, really gross. He hopes there is another way to show you're in love because he never, ever wants to kiss anyone, let alone a girl.

"What are you two squabbling back there?" Mommy asks, as she parks the car in their driveway.

"Nothing," he and Ethan reply in one voice, though that sounds suspicious.

"We'll ask her at dinner," Ethan whispers, before he goes inside.

Logan waits for dinner patiently, both he and his brother working on their homework and setting the table as if everything was normal, though their brains keep thinking over and over the facts of the day.

It's only when they're sitting in front of their roasted chicken and mashed potatoes that Ethan gives him a look. He breathes out, knowing he has to be the one asking. Mommy is always softer when he's the one asking, and he's sure it has to do with his crappy heart. He should stop using crappy in his head before he says it out loud and gets grounded forever.

"Mommy?" He begins, suddenly feeling scared.

"What is it, Logan?"

"Why you and Derek kissed at the science fair?"

Her fork remains mid-air, floating still in front of her face, as her lips hang open for a second. She looks stunned.

"What?" she asks, her voice sounding weird and different.

"We saw you and Derek kissing. Does that mean you're in love?"

She clears her throat, taking a deep breath. "Logan, Ethan...it's really complicated. You'll get it when you're older."

"But Mommy, –" Ethan interjects, but Mommy stops him before he can protest more.

"Love is not an easy thing, and it's never as clear-cut as it is in Disney movies."

"So you don't love Derek, then?"

"Kids...Derek is a friend, a very good and nice friend I've known for a long time."

"Europe. He told us," Logan says, looking determined.

At Mommy's grimace, it's almost as something clicks. He shares a look with Ethan, hoping he got the same vibe, too, and it looks like he did.

"Mommy, you said we were made in Europe." Ethan is very firm and determined when he says that, which gives Logan courage. It's good to know he has somebody in his corner.

"If Derek met you in Europe, could he be our dad?" Logan's voice is almost a whisper by then, but he doesn't regret voicing it. Even if Mommy's face is really pale.

"Yes, he's your dad," Mommy says, and her face disappears in her hands. It looks like she's crying, even though he has never seen Mommy cry.

"So he came here for us?" Ethan looks excited, and Logan admits, it feels exciting too. He's waited his whole life to meet his dad, and now they know him, and they like Derek. Except, maybe he doesn't like them? He never really showed up, and they've been around for a while.

"He doesn't know. Derek doesn't know anything about you two, where you come from or whose kids you two are. He didn't abandon you, he just never knew you existed."

"And you tried to call him and everything, right?" Ethan asks what Logan can't bring himself to ask.

"No. And that was a big mistake. But I was really scared he wouldn't want us anymore." Mommy's voice cracks, and she looks very different from her usual. It's strange to see Mommy like this, Logan doesn't like it.

"Can you tell him now?" Ethan is probing and probing, but Logan can only listen.

"I told you, it's complicated. Life is not easy, kids. But I'll tell him. He needs to know you two."

They have a million more questions, but Mommy cuts them short, and tells them to keep eating dinner. When they try bringing up the topic again, she always has a different thing for them to do and she never answers. Whether it's clearing up their places or getting ready for bed, she always dodges their prodding.

So, as soon as the lights are out, Logan and Ethan decide to get some answers by themselves.

* * *

Logan's heart is pounding as he and his brother walk in the night. There are not many streetlights, and Mommy always says to bring a flashlight when they go out at night, like when they go trick or treating, but the light doesn't seem enough.

They each got a small backpack with extra clothes, just like when they go overnight to Oma's place, they got their winter jackets from the closet and their hats, but they didn't have time to find a flashlight without making too much noise.

It's too bad they couldn't find two flashlights.

Logan knows he's panting, and he should not be doing this with his bad heart, but they need to find Derek and ask him. They have lots of questions.

"Are you sure this is the right way?" his brother asks, and he nods to Ethan.

"Yes. The ocean is that way."

"And we have to take the ferry to find Derek."

Logan nods, and Ethan looks even more determined.

A tiny voice in his head that sounds like Mommy is telling him that what they're doing is really, really bad, but his brother is with him, nothing can go wrong. They're the toughest team together. And together they can find Derek and ask him if he knows he's their daddy.

"Ethan, stop." After what feels like forever that they're walking, he has to catch his breath. He bends down with his hands over his knees, trying to slow down his heart.

"You okay?"

"This is too fast," Logan admits, and Ethan seems to look guilty for a second.

"We'll go slow. That way we have more time to find the road."

Logan nods, and even if he doesn't really feel okay, he keeps going anyway. Ethan is walking a lot slower now, so he can keep up.

They cross an intersection when the red hand turns into a little man and becomes white, just like what Mommy taught them; they find themselves in a brighter area of town.

"Look! The ocean!" Ethan grins when he spots a shimmer in front of them. Logan smiles too.

"We're almost to the docks."

It doesn't take long indeed for them to arrive at the docks where the huge ferry is. It seems even bigger now that they're so close to it.

The big boat whistles, and before they know what's going on, it's pulling out of the harbor.

"Oh, no!" Ethan cries. "We need to wait for the next one, now." His brother sighs loudly, and Logan sighs too. He's kinda grateful they can sit down, though.

They find a bench with a view of the docks, so that they can spot the next ferry as soon as it comes in. It's chilly if they sit down, but Logan's legs refuse to move.

"It's good we got our winter jackets, Ethan," he says, sticking his hands in his pockets, together with their one flashlight. They don't need the light anymore.

"We should have gotten snacks," Ethan says, disappointed.

"I didn't think it would take this long," Logan admits. "It's fast with the car."

Ethan nods sadly, scooting closer. They sit in silence for a few minutes, staring at the water.

"Do you think Derek wants to be our daddy?" Logan asks, the questions burning in his head since the moment Mommy told him about it.

"I hope so," Ethan says, and they don't need to say more.

"Even with my bad heart?"

"He's stupid if he doesn't like you for your bad heart."

Logan sighs. "Kids in school don't like me because of my bad heart."

"And they're stupid. You're smarter than all of them and you know all the roads to go places."

"I got no friends. Maybe Derek wants a kid who has lots of friends?"

"You gots me. I'm your best friend."

"Yeah, we're best friends and brothers. That's what Mommy always says when we fight."

There's more silence between them, but it's filled with the sounds of the harbor and the ocean.

"Do you think Mommy will get mad when she finds the note?" Ethan asks, turning to him.

"Yeah. I think I spelled 'house' without the last E."

Ethan giggles. "But what about what we're doing? Do you think she'll get mad we only took one flashlight?"

"I think so." Logan frowns. "She hid the Spiderman one, and the big one's too heavy, right?"

"It is. We had no choice."

They stay quiet for a little longer, as the first few cars start lining up where the ferryboat is supposed to dock. Maybe the boat is coming soon.

"Do you think Derek has good snacks?"

Logan's stomach growls. "I hope so."

"Maybe he gots pizza or something."

"Maybe!" Logan grins. Pizza sounds awesome now. "I think we should have gotten snacks. Or at least money for snacks."

"Yup, I think so too. We needed snacks."

They both sigh loudly and keep waiting.

* * *

Her heart is hammering in her chest.

Meredith opens every door and every closet, again and again, calling out her children's names, but she receives no answer. Their backpacks are gone, and so are their jackets, and there's no sign of Ethan or Logan anywhere.

Until she finds their note on her bed, right next to her phone.

 _We're going to find Derek's hous and ask him more things. Will be back soon._

Her heart shatters at their signatures, and she gives herself a couple of minutes to fall apart. Today has been a rollercoaster of emotions, and it doesn't seem to stop anytime soon.

She can't do this, not today, not alone.

She picks up her phone and instead of calling the police like she originally thought, she calls Derek, instead.

Her opening sentence is "Ethan and Logan ran away" and she already hears Derek spring into action.

She explains the situation the best she can without telling him he's the dad, making up a story about her being vague about the kiss and them needing more answers, that's why they're looking for him.

Derek sounds surprised, but he's also her only light. He keeps her sane, suggesting they trace the roads backwards and see where they can find them. He also promises to be on the first ferry out of Bainbridge, so he can help her tackle some of the routes.

They keep in contact with their phones, and his voice constantly in her ear is keeping her grounded.

"Okay, I'm on the ferry. You keep searching, okay?"

"Derek, –"

"It will be okay. They have their jackets and we'll find them before anything can happen to them."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."

There's nothing she wants more than to hold her babies in her arms except maybe hugging Derek too. If he were physically here, being grounded would be so much easier.

* * *

"Should we call him 'Daddy'?" Ethan asks, turning to Logan.

"Dunno. Not if he hates me." Logan says, thinking.

"And not if he knew and ran, right?"

"Yup. If he left us I will never call him Daddy."

Ethan likes his brother's determination. Logan doesn't look good though. He looks tired and cold. It is a bit cold, but not enough for Logan to be freezing.

"Here," he says, offering his winter jacket.

Logan shakes his head. "Maybe we should find a place inside and sit there. You'll get cold without a jacket."

"I don't get cold," Ethan says, though the chill is already crawling up his shirt as he holds his jacket out for his brother.

"Kay," Logan says, sounding weak.

The breeze of the ocean is strong, and they huddle close. Ethan tries his best not to shiver, but it's getting harder and harder.

They finally hear the honk of the ferryboat and they both smile. The ferry is probably warmed up inside!

"Oh, no!" Logan whispers, as he sees cars exiting the belly of the boat.

"What is it?"

"We got no ticket. And no money!"

Ethan sighs. They really, really should have planned this better. He misses Mommy like crazy now. He feels like crying. The bench is cold, wet, and slippery; he just wants to go home.

"We should try to get in anyways." Logan sounds very determined, even if he sounds different than usual. Weaker.

They sneakily slip past the man checking the tickets, who barely glances at them, then they're finally in.

Inside it's not super warm, but warmer than outside. And definitely less wet. He's kinda sad they need to be inside and miss a lot of the view, but it's too cold to be out on the deck. No hurricane deck for them.

The ride feels endless, and he probably dozes off on Logan's shoulder, too. He has no idea. Only that when he wakes up he's shivering again and the boat is honking loudly.

They're on the island where Derek lives.

He nudges Logan, who's very slow to wake up. They are some of the last people to go out of the ferry.

When they exit and find the road, there are at least two directions where they can go, left or right.

"Logan?" he asks, sharing a sad look with his brother.

"I...I don't remember. Maybe right?" Logan looks very tired and confused.

"You wanna sit on the bench for a little bit, maybe you'll remember?"

"Maybe." Logan sighs, unconvinced. Ethan hopes he really will remember.

Time passes slowly, the cold seeping into his bones. His socks are frozen, and probably his change of clothes is frozen too. It also starts drizzling.

Maybe they should go back home. That was a stupid idea.

Before he can ask Logan if he feels like going back, they see a black figure approaching. Ethan knows it's a man because he's tall and strong. Fear creeps into him. He huddles close to Logan, and they hug each other, trying not to make any sounds.

"Ethan? Logan?" The voice says, and it sounds familiar. It sounds like…

"Derek?" Logan says, and finally the shadow man's face appears and it's indeed Derek. Relief spreads over him. Derek is exactly who they need right now.

"There you are! Your mom and I looked everywhere for you! What were you thinking?"

Before they can try to ask him questions, he's already dialing something on his phone, and then they can faintly hear Mommy on the other end. Ethan misses what they're saying, as focused as he is on Logan, who is shivering like a leaf.

"Okay, guys. I'll take you to my trailer and your mom is coming to pick you up. Let's go, my car is parked over there."

* * *

As grateful as Logan is that Derek found them, moving is almost out of the question. He ran way too fast before, and he still can't catch his breath.

"Derek?" Logan says, his voice faint.

"What is it, Logan? Are you okay?" Derek's face is full of concern, and that is good. It's great that Derek doesn't look completely uninterested.

"I'm very, very tired."

"Do you want to rest here a little longer?" Derek asks.

"No. I'm cold."

"Then let's get you all warmed up at the trailer. I have heaps of blankets there."

Logan sighs loudly, still reluctant to move. Honestly, the prospect of blankets and warmth is clearly something to look forward to, but his body is still not working with him.

"Do you want me to carry you?" Derek asks, his smile gentle.

Logan looks at Ethan, asking if he minds it. Ethan looks almost too stunned Derek offered in the first place. His brother nods, and Logan feels relieved. Mommy can't really carry him anymore for long stretches, but Uncle Alex still can, so he assumes Derek can, too.

"Kay," Logan says, and Derek picks him up effortlessly.

"There we go," Derek says, smiling as he holds Logan close. "You all set, Ethan?" he also asks, holding out his hand for his brother. Logan sighs in relief.

Logan flops on Derek's shoulder, feeling safe. He realizes he could get used to having a dad.

Derek smells good. He smells like shower and woods, and maybe pizza? He's pretty sure he's imagining the pizza, though. Buried on his shoulder he could smell whatever he wants, as tired as he is. He feels like he could fall asleep any minute.

"Thank you," he murmurs when his dad drops him in the backseat of his car.

Derek smiles brightly. "You're welcome, kid."

Derek helping in Ethan in the car is the last thing Logan sees before his eyelids close out of his own volition. He briefly awakens only to feel a soft mattress under his back and to spot Ethan also asleep beside him.

He has never felt more safe, except when Mommy is with him.

He closes his eyes again without fear. Maybe they will have time to ask Daddy about him kissing Mommy tomorrow. They'll find time.

* * *

 **A/N: Because sometimes it's not the damsel in distress that needs rescuing!**

 **Everything is still up in the air, but at least the boys are safe, right? What do you think will happen when Meredith gets there?**

 **Thank you for reading!**


	16. I Won't Be Vacant Anymore

**A/N: The chapter everybody was looking forward to is here. Actually here. I'm not gonna say much else, except the song for this one is from _This Is The Last Time_. Enjoy this!**

* * *

 **Chapter 16 - I Won't Be Vacant Anymore**

* * *

If she could, Meredith would fly to Derek's trailer. She never wished to own a private jet more than she did right in this second, when her boys are with him after disappearing on her.

Her heart is in her throat the whole time as she speeds through the streets of Seattle, ignoring all speed limits. If she gets a ticket, so be it. Getting to her sons is more important than anything else.

Considering that she also misses the ferry by a few minutes, it's obvious she'll get a speeding ticket. Or a fine for road rage.

She re-routs her GPS to get to Derek's house without using the ferry and, all things considered, it's probably just as fast as waiting for the next one to come and then travel over.

Yet, driving is better than being idle. She can barely sit still in the car, her thoughts racing; waiting for the ferry would be torture.

She should never have hidden Derek's identity from her boys, or the other way round. She should have never waited this long to say the truth.

Honestly, she hoped Derek would figure it out on his own. Add up a few numbers in his head and guess that the timeframe was perfect. She never considered the fact he might not really know the exact date. When he even doubted that they were twins, then she knew he was way off about everything and she'd have to enlighten him at some point.

Yet, it seems like the right moment never came, and she has no idea what to expect when she'll reveal that very important piece of information to him.

He will probably never talk to her again. And she deserves every single second of anger and disbelief he might unleash on her as soon as he knows.

Now though she has bigger fishes to fry.

She races her car even through the gravel driveway, hoping she's not destroying it, but she doesn't care about that either.

Derek is waiting for her outside, on his porch, and he's a sight to behold. Not quite as good as her kids, but almost.

Meredith scampers outside of her car, slamming the door, but Derek is already blocking her outside.

"They're asleep," he says, his voice low. "It took a lot out of them."

Her heart is still hammering. "I need to see them." She feels tears come to her eyes.

"They're okay. I think Logan was really wiped, though. I had to carry him inside the car and then the trailer. Both were already asleep when we got here, so I just let them sleep."

"Derek –"

"They're fine. Too tired to even question me about the kiss, really."

He grins, and she tries to smile, but her whole body still feels numb. She needs to see her boys in the flesh.

"I need to see them, Derek." She echoes her own words, and Derek's smug grin turns into a soft smile.

"Door is open. And you guys can stay as long as you want."

"What?"

"Don't worry about it. Just go see your boys."

He doesn't have to say that twice before she's walking inside.

* * *

Meredith sighs as she watches her two boys sleep in the king-sized bed inside the small trailer. That bed is almost as wide as the whole bedroom space, and it puts a smile on her face, even before she sees that Ethan and Logan are clinging to each other as they did when they were newborns.

 _Meredith can't believe that her two little rascals are already a year old._

 _The whirlwind of her life and the constant lack of sleep made the time go by so fast that her babies now are almost toddlers and Derek still doesn't know a thing._

 _She has read a small little article he published on an hemispherectomy, and he apparently still works at Mount Sinai, but she can't bring herself to pack her crap – and her kids' crap – and fly to New York to tell him he's a dad. It's not like he's going to come back with her and play house right away, especially not if he already has a family of his own with the woman who was kissing him a year and a half ago._

 _A year and a half is a long, long time. She grew two babies in nine months, and now these two babies are just about ready to call her 'Mama'. Of course Derek could have built a brand new life in this timeframe._

 _She chose her path when she left JFK and never looked back, landing at Sea-Tac a mess of tears and regrets. Now she has to deal with her crap._

 _Logan sighs loudly and, almost instinctively, Ethan reaches for his little brother in his sleep, wrapping his chubby hand over Logan's round elbow, pulling him closer. They are wrapped into one another just as snugly as they used to be when they were in her womb, and tears spring to her eyes._

 _She can't destroy the precarious balance they found, especially not now that the only reminder of Logan's month-long stay in the hospital is the scar on his sternum. And it also might be the reason why Ethan is clinging to him for dear life._

 _She thought she could lose Logan forever when his aortic valve started leaking, and Ethan knew too. Her sons might be little, but they knew. They are bright and aware, and they both knew._

 _Meredith watches the content, relaxed smile that shows up on Logan's face as he clings to his brother; she wipes the tears from the corner of her eyes._

 _This is it, this is as far as she can go. She only has to finish her last few classes of medical school and then she has to become a doctor, and when she's a surgeon, that will be it. It will be her life, the zenith, her purpose._

 _Her life has to be all about Ethan and Logan and surgery now, there can't be room for more. And her heart will always be with Derek, no matter if his heart belongs to someone else._

Meredith shakes herself out of the memories as she watches Logan burrow into Ethan's side, as the two hold hands. It's crazy to think that they could sense approaching doom even when they were only ten months old and before she even mentioned the surgery to them. But now they really know Logan's condition is deteriorating, and they cling to one another just as strongly as they did as babies.

She gives one last look to her kids before she walks outside, joining Derek on his deck.

It feels surreal to be here, on his land, with their kids, but she wouldn't want to be anywhere else right now. She doesn't want to be apart from her babies any longer than she should.

"They're still asleep."

"That's good. Logan needs his sleep," Derek says, sighing almost in relief.

"He gets tired really easily these days and I'm sure tonight's stress didn't help." Derek lets the implication of her sentence linger there, and she's grateful for it. "They know it's getting bad. They knew as babies, and they know now."

"What do you mean?"

"Every time Logan got sick as a baby, the two of them couldn't be separated. Ethan would want to sleep next to his brother all the time, and if you moved him, he would scream at the top of his lungs. And then, after Logan's first aortic stent, ten-month-old Ethan spent the next month in Logan's crib, the two of them wrapped in a hug like they did before they were born."

There's a soft smile on Derek's face, a smile that almost looks like longing, and her guilt threatens to swallow her whole.

She stands up and rummages through her purse to find her wallet, pulling out the picture of that same moment she was reminiscing just a few moments ago, and then the similar ultrasound she still carries around. They're faded around the edges and worn out, but she can't bring herself to take them out. She even has copies in the house for safekeeping, just in case something happened to her wallet.

"See?" she says, offering the pictures to Derek.

Derek picks them up gently, almost feeling the weight of what she's sharing. A smile curls up the corners of his lips, making his eyes dance, and the guilt in her heart multiply.

"Who thought boys could be that cute?" He grins, shaking his head, almost tracing the lines of her babies in the same way she does when she takes out the pictures. It's gnawing at her, the feeling of failure.

Maybe she should figure out a way to tell him, even if it means escaping his trailer like a bat out of hell.

* * *

Derek watches as Meredith sits in silence, grabbing a beer from the six-pack he brought out, her eyes lost somewhere over their heads, looking at the blanket of stars over their heads. He can almost see her thinking, and he doesn't know what to do.

He's sure it must have been rough on her to put her kids to bed and not see them again when she went checking on them. He can't imagine what that must be like. He also knows they can't talk about their kiss at the science fair, not yet. Not when she's barely holding it together.

So he just stargazes with her while they sip their beers, getting lost in the minuscule twinkles in the sky, his brain filled with the wallet-sized images of her children when they were babies.

He can see the worry plaguing her, the fear and helplessness that go with waiting for Logan's new heart and the lingering gloom she just got through, but he's glad he can be there with her for this. He's glad he found her boys before something really bad could happen.

"Do you remember the last time we did this?" Derek asks, sipping his beer, trying to keep her mind off everything else.

"Stargazing? Elba, on the ferry there, and then on the beach?" Meredith smiles, but it barely reaches her eyes. Something is clearly keeping her mind hostage. Her eyes are on the sky, her fingers busy taking the tag off the beer bottle.

"Such a gorgeous night."

"I think about Italy often," she admits. "A lot happened back there."

"Indeed."

Silence engulfs them again.

"Logan is getting worse," Derek says, wondering if talking about it might help her. He remembers the way Logan was almost wheezing by the time he carried him in the car. It must not be easy to know that and be helpless. He had felt helpless, and he barely knows the kids.

"Yes, he's more and more tired every day. Sometimes I just watch him breathe like I did when he was a baby. He's seven and he still feels like a baby sometimes."

"He will always be your baby, Meredith. And I can't imagine what it must have been like to go through what you got through." He's sincere when he says that, because he's not sure he could have kept his sanity if while in the midst of becoming a doctor and raising a baby he had to do everything in his power to keep his twin alive.

"Part of me wanted you there, but mostly I was just glad you were in New York."

"Me?" Derek turns sharply to stare at Meredith, but she's still lost in thought.

"What?" Meredith blinks, shaken off her reverie.

"You said you wanted me there when Logan was a baby."

Meredith chuckles, but it's bitter, it's fragile. "Of course. _Of course_!"

"Of course what?" Derek stares at her, confused, trying to understand what she means.

"Well, I was trying to plan a whole speech and of course I fucked it up. Great."

Meredith sits up and then crouches, elbows on her knees, her hands covering her eyes. She lets out another sad chuckle, before she takes a deep breath and starts standing up.

"Meredith, what is going on? What speech?"

"Don't tell me you still have no idea what's going on?" she says, bitter irony in her tone.

"Not really."

"Oh, jeez." She shakes her head, starting to pace in front of him. "You do remember what happened in Florence, right?"

His eyes widen. Of course he remembers, how could he forget? "Every minute, Meredith."

"Then guess why Logan's middle name is Arno. I thought I was a little obvious with that. I thought you'd immediately ask questions. You did see Ethan's chart, right? and Logan's?"

His brain takes a second to process the information. When it clicks, it's almost as if he can see a whole puzzle clicking together in his head.

"The river. Florence's river is the Arno. The one under Ponte Vecchio." His voice is heavy with questions and realization.

"Yes, the one I could see from our window while you were fucking me senseless. That river."

Her harsh words describe the picture better than anything, and now everything is clear. It's unfathomable, but it's clear as day. Meredith sits down again.

"They...we…"

"Yes, we kinda made two babies while screwing like rabbits in Italy. And that's why they ran away. They wanted to ask you if you knew you are their daddy."

It's Derek's turn to crouch down and bring his hands to his mouth. He feels like he's about to throw up. Meredith is laughing and crying now, her shoulders against the back of the chair as she looks at the stars. She's mostly crying though, the laughter more hysterical than anything. She's not keeping it together, and neither is he. His hands are shaking.

"You never said anything; I've been here for three months, Meredith!" Anger swells up in him all of a sudden.

"And Logan has been sick for seven years."

"What the hell that has to do with anything?" He feels betrayed, cheated out of a life he wished he could have for years. It's his turn to stand up and pace, but then he sits down again. He has no idea what to do with his body; he feels displaced.

Meredith turns to him with the saddest eyes. "I spent the first two years of his life freaking out that he would die. Every single day. I ignored it, buried my fears in studying and internship and taking care of him and Ethan as if nothing was happening, but every night I went to bed with the fear that the next day would bring disaster. How could I wish that on anyone else?"

"What if I wanted that fear? What if I wanted to be with you to talk you off the ledge, so you could talk me off my ledge when the time came? Why did you make that decision on your own?" He's angry, but he's mostly sad. Sad of having missed a lifetime. Two lifetimes.

"I thought you had moved on," she whispers, and it's dark, but Derek is pretty sure she's blushing. She does look ashamed, though. Her eyes are unable to meet his. "I came to New York once. I was around four months pregnant and I already looked like a house. I found your name in medical journals and figured out you worked at Mount Sinai - Beth Israel. I looked for you at the hospital, and I saw you in the hall, kissing another woman in scrubs. She was gorgeous when I looked at myself, so I just left for Seattle again."

Derek feels confused. He doesn't remember kissing anybody. Definitely not only four months after coming back from Italy. Unless…

"That was Rose." He growls, and now he's really angry. Not only she left him at the altar, Rose ruined his chance to see his kids grow up from day one. "And she was anything but gorgeous. She looked more like a ruminant, with all the licorice-chewing she did."

"What?"

"She started chasing me again around that time. Telling me she wanted me back and crap like that. She was also kissing me randomly, too. That's what you saw." He sighs loudly, trying to calm his rage, then lowering his voice. "There hasn't been anyone else serious after you. I tried dating, but it was just a waste of time."

Meredith is not looking at him anymore, instead she's buried in her hands again. Her breathing is labored. He can clearly hear her murmur to herself "Fuck."

"I drove to Dartmouth once," he says. It might not make her feel better, but maybe they should just put everything in the open. "I took my car and drove. I think it was around Christmas. I drove around campus, asked about you, but nobody knew where you went. And I gave up. I figured you didn't want to be found."

"I was here. With my mom. Waddling around the very first Christmas tree I can truly remember. I was in Seattle." The desperation in her voice breaks his heart.

"I stopped looking for you, and I shouldn't have." His words are laced with all his regrets, and he's surprised he can still speak.

"Derek, you've been a father for seven years and you never knew. You cannot forgive me. What I did doesn't deserve forgiveness. I turned you into my father without your consent and I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

There are tears streaming down her face now, as Meredith curls up into a ball. He agrees with her, he knows he shouldn't be able to forgive her, but he might get there. He knows he did the same, after all. He met her kids and assumed she had a husband or a boyfriend or a baby daddy. Without asking. Without getting more clues. He did the same exact thing.

He stands up and hears her sob. He walks closer to her chair, then crouches at her side, enveloping her in his arms. She's not forgiven, but he can set his anger and frustrations aside to share this moment with her. He pushes her aside and makes room on her chair, before he plops her on his lap. She clings to him for dear life.

"I'm here now, Meredith. I'm here now and I want to be their dad." His voice shakes. His dreams of having a family with Meredith almost coming true. They are a family, now, even if a weird one. They are forever tied through Ethan and Logan. "I am their dad."

Meredith squeezes him tightly, crying into his neck, falling apart. He holds her, unable to be angry anymore. Mostly, he's stunned. He's a dad now, and he wasn't aware of being one just ten minutes ago. He's sure the anger will set in, but for the moment, Derek wants to enjoy the feeling of being a dad.

He feels stupid for not figuring it out before, or well, right away, but he can dwell on that after today. Next time he's angry, he should think about how long it took him to figure out he's a father, instead of only blaming Meredith. The clues were screaming at him, and he was too dumb to piece it all together. While Meredith is to blame for hiding the majority of the secret, he should have asked in the first place.

Their moment is interrupted when they hear a cough from inside the trailer. It's dry and very loud, considering that the door is closed. All their senses are immediately on alert.

"Logan," Meredith whispers, staring deeply into Derek's eyes.

They untangle from the embrace, drying their eyes the best they can, as they slowly walk into the trailer. The coughing is gentler, but still there.

Logan is sitting up in his bed, wiping the sleep from his half-closed eyes, his hair a crazy mess as his cough calms down.

"Mommy!" Logan croaks, his sleepy smile a sight for sore eyes.

"You okay, Berry?" Meredith whispers, going around his bed not to wake up Ethan.

Logan opens his eyes fully, then frowns, unable to meet their eyes. "Oh, no."

"Are you feeling okay?" Derek asks, his heart tightening. This is his son. His very sick son.

"Derek, I'm so sorry I wet your bed. I'm so sorry. I can help clean up."

Derek is stunned for a moment at the sight of Logan's devastated face, then he meets Meredith's eyes and he knows it's bad.

"Oh, Logan, don't worry. I'll let you in on a secret: I forgot my skylight open once, and it started pouring rain. Now, that's a wet bed." He winks, but Logan still looks too serious for his age.

"I'm sorry."

Derek only smiles at the boy – his son – his own heart aching. Then he rummages through his clothes, finding the pair of boxers that mysteriously shrunk and a t-shirt that always feels too tight on him. "Here, you can take a shower and change into some fresh clothes if you need to."

Logan still looks ashamed. Derek crouches at his feet, beating Meredith to it. She just gives him a pointed look, then lets him.

"I promise you, I'm not mad. It wasn't your fault."

"It's my bad heart." Logan's face falls, and Derek's heart breaks. He never imagined love for your children could be so fierce and sudden, but here it is, and it's devastating.

"Yes, exactly. I know you can use the toilet when you need to."

"I got up to go to the bathroom, then I got dizzy and when I started coughing…" Logan trails off, his eyes cast low.

"I told you, I'm not mad at all." Derek reaches out and squeezes his shoulder, trying to reassure him. Logan is still shyly looking down.

Derek then decides to be bold and pulls him into a hug. He closes his eyes as the small and fragile frame of Logan disappears into his strong arms. He feels tears coming into his eyes.

He's hugging his son. His flesh and blood. Logan is his and Meredith's, and he's dying.

At this point, if he could, he would donate his own heart to save him. Except this is the best he can do. Part of his heart already belongs to Logan, with Logan, and Derek hopes it can be enough.

When Derek opens his eyes and meets Meredith's she's crying again. Maybe he's crying too, he doesn't know, he feels very discombobulated at the moment. His world has been turned upside down. Or maybe downside up, since everything looks suddenly brighter. Even if his son is sick, at least he has a son.

He has two sons.

Ethan turns around and rubs the sleep off his eyes, almost sensing Derek thinking about him. He frowns at the sight of all these crying, hugging people.

"What's going on? When did you get here, Mommy?"

"Don't worry about it, Shrimp. Logan's heart is giving him a little trouble," Meredith says, wiping off her tears, her voice still laced with tears.

"I'm sorry the bed is all wet, Ethan," Logan says, wriggling out of Derek's embrace.

Ethan frowns, sitting up straighter, still too sleepy to place all the puzzle pieces together, but looking concerned anyway.

"Okay, let's get you changed," Meredith murmurs, grabbing the pile of fresh clothes Derek prepared.

Logan crawls out of bed slowly, looking wiped, Ethan carefully keeping an eye on him, as Meredith and Logan shuffle to the bathroom.

"My brother is getting more sick, right?" Ethan asks, his voice grave, his eyes still fixated in the direction of the bathroom.

"I'm afraid so, yes," Derek replies, trying to remain vague, unsure of how much the boys know about Logan's heart.

"He needs a new heart."

"He does."

Silence envelops them, only the sounds of Meredith and Logan moving about in the bathroom filling it.

"Derek?" he says, and for a moment Derek imagines the day they'll first call him 'Daddy', and his heart swells. It might never happen, but he can dream about it.

"What is it?"

"I'm scared." Ethan's honesty makes his heart ache.

"Come here. You deserve a big hug too," he says, and welcomes Ethan in his arms as well.

He can feel the difference between the two boys, with Logan slowly getting thinner and thinner, while Ethan has the built of an active boy. He feels strong but fragile too in his arms, as he curls up into him.

"You have a strong hug, Derek." Ethan chuckles, suddenly more relaxed. "Mommy is all soft, but you're strong like Hulk. You carried Logan inside and she can't."

Derek smiles. "I'm not Hulk, and I'm not stronger than your mom. Your mom is very strong. Maybe not in her hugs, but she's strong inside, and she's strong in her character."

"What do you mean?"

"It means that she can get through everything. That no problem can keep her from being what she wants to be. She's the best kind of strong."

"I wanna be that strong."

"You can. It takes time to learn, but you are already on the right path." Derek squeezes him a little tighter, making Ethan giggle. It's such a melodious sound Derek is sure he could hear that forever and never get tired of it.

For a second, he feels robbed of all the giggles he could have heard in these years. He feels cheated out. But he can't be angry now, not now, and not with his sons. He can be angry at Meredith, yes, but what's the point?

The only person he will forever be angry at is Rose, and he has no regrets about that. None at all.

When Meredith shows up again, she's carrying Logan by herself, and his frame almost overwhelms her.

"I got him," he offers, untangling from Ethan, only to grab Logan and carry him back to the bed.

"Did you change the sheets?" Meredith asks, and he shakes his head. "I'll do it."

She coaxes Ethan out of the bed and the three of them move to the small couch in the kitchen area.

"This is a small house," Ethan comments, looking around as he brushes the sleep away from his eyes.

Derek chuckles, still rubbing Logan's back. Logan is clinging to him even more tightly than before, and his skin feels cold. Derek grabs a blanket and puts it over his back and in a way that also covers Ethan, then opens his arm so that Ethan can also snuggle in.

"It's a trailer. A house on wheels. I like being here. It's perfect when it's just me."

"Don't you get lonely?" Ethan asks.

"Sometimes, yes." He sighs. "I'm glad you guys are here tonight, keeping me company. You didn't need to run here though. Next time, just ask. Your mom has my number, you can call me anytime."

"We came here 'cause we had a question," Logan murmurs into his neck. Derek is glad Meredith is just about ready to join him.

"What kind of question?" he prompts, pretending he doesn't know what is coming.

The twins share a look, almost trying to elect who will be the spokesperson. Ethan seems to be the one, because he's the one that starts talking. "Did you kiss Mommy when we were at the science fair?"

Meredith nods, and he considers it a signal to be as honest as possible.

"Yes, I did."

"Why?" Ethan grimaces.

"Because I like your Mommy very much."

"Kissing is gross."

He chuckles at that, not really knowing what to say to that. Saying that they'll change their minds when they are older doesn't really seem all that appropriate.

"Derek, do you still like me, even if I have a crappy heart?" Logan asks, plummeting the mood of the room into heavy territory again.

Derek sighs loudly. "Logan, your heart makes you even more special. And it's not crappy, it's a big, brilliant heart. I wouldn't change you for the world."

"Not even if I have more friends?"

"Of course not. You'd still be Logan, and I would still love you." It feels so easy to speak out these words, and it would have been easy even without knowing that Logan is his son. He just loves him a tidbit more, now.

"You love _me_?" Logan asks, his voice breathy and stunned.

"I do. I love you and Ethan. All the good and bad sides of you two."

There's another look between the two kids, and Derek has no idea what to expect.

"Is that 'cause you're our dad?" Logan asks, pulling away from his hold to look into is eyes. Meredith seems to be giving him permission to be sincere again.

"Yes." It feels incredible to say he's somebody's dad, a smile showing up on his lips. "But that's not all. You are also very brilliant and funny kids; I would have loved you even if I was just Derek to you."

"But you wanna be our daddy, then?" Ethan asks, his eyes filled with expectations.

"There's nothing I wouldn't love more than being your dad forever."

The twins' eyes widen at his statement, but he doesn't regret speaking out. They need to know how much he loves them.

"I'm sorry I didn't make an effort to find you first, but I thought I could never find your mommy again. And if I didn't find her, I couldn't find you. But...I'm here now." His apology is lame, but it seems okay for them.

"Here for all the things? Will you see all my basketball games? Will you eat dinner with us and Mommy? Will you live in our house?" Ethan fires all kinds of questions, and Derek revels in the excitement in his eyes.

It's Meredith's turn to butt in. "Guys, Derek...he has his own house, this trailer. You like it, right?"

Ethan shrugs. "It's tiny. We gots lots more rooms. Or the basement."

"So when can we seem him?" Logan asks, leaning against him again.

"Well, Derek has a very important job, and he might not have much time to spare." Meredith is already on top of it, but he needs to clarify this.

"I do, but I also have time to spend playing with you and doing fun stuff together. And while I might not be able to be at every event, I'll try to be there for as many as possible."

"You sure?" Ethan is looking at him in a way that means business.

"Positive. There's nowhere else I'd rather be."

"Will you get ice cream with us tomorrow?" Logan asks, perking up.

"I'll see what I can do," Derek says, his turn to smile. "But now it's time to go back to sleep."

"I'm so tired," Logan nods.

"Then let's pack up and get in the car, get home." Meredith's tone is soft and gentle, and she looks tired herself.

"Can we stay here? I don't wanna move," Logan murmurs, holding onto Derek tighter, and Derek has no idea if it means being in his arms or just being in his trailer. Either way, he's happy to accommodate the little boy.

"You can share the big bed, I can unfold this couch."

"This couch is a bed?" Ethan asks, in awe. "Awesome!"

Derek chuckles, looking at Meredith. "I'd love for you three to stay here."

Meredith sighs, loudly. "Fine. We're staying here."

"This is going to be so cool," Ethan exclaims, his smile a mile wide.

The boys go to bed and Derek sets out a few things for Meredith to get ready for bed. He goes out to the deck again to clean up, and when he comes back inside Meredith is snuggling with the boys in his bed, one on each side, talking in hushed voices.

Derek sits there, listening to the hum of his brand new family, wishing this could be permanent, wishing he could have had this for longer. And yet, while Meredith is not fully forgiven and Logan's heart is failing, he can't help but be happy right in this second.

The voices quiet down and Derek gets ready for bed himself, trying to be as quiet as possible. When he goes to say goodnight to Meredith and check on the boys, all three of them are asleep, tangled with one another.

Derek moves closer, kissing Ethan's forehead first and whispering his goodnight and I-love-yous, then he does the same with Logan, lingering for a second longer.

Then, even if it's far from all the boundaries they have set, he also kisses Meredith's forehead softly.

"Goodnight, Mer," he whispers, "I love you. Thank you for Ethan and Logan."

When he finally lays on the folding couch that night he dreams of a house on his land and a family with Meredith.

* * *

 **A/N: Does it feel like a bomb has been defused or what? I know it took me a while to get here, and maybe it won't be as easy as it was here all the time, but what do you think? Was Derek's reaction genuine or do you think he went too easy on Meredith? What about the boys? And Logan?**

 **See, you thought you'd have all the answers by now, uh? *pleased chuckle***


	17. Live On Coffee and Flowers

**A/N: Long time, no see! And it's been long indeed. So long that I've been getting a lot of messages here and on Twitter about the ETA for a new chapter. Well, I'm not promising quick updates anytime soon, but that this story and the others are not abandoned is true. They're slow moving, but not abandoned. Life has been crazy, and adulting doesn't work well with fanfiction, unless I'm unemployed.**

 **On to more practical stuff: I'm no doctor, so any medical terms and procedures...ask a real doctor before considering them true.**

 **Song for this one is _Conversation 16,_ from the album _High Violet_. Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Chapter 17 - Live On Coffee and Flowers**

* * *

It's not easy for Derek, coming to terms with the fact that he's now a father. Nobody knows, except him and Meredith, and he has no idea who _can_ know.

They haven't really talked about what is going to happen now, and he has no idea how to bring it up. Logan's cough was just the beginning: his condition is deteriorating, and that is they only issue they should be focused on.

When Meredith decided to spend the night at the trailer after the boys' escape it turned out to be a blessing in disguise, since the day after, Logan was still too tired to actually walk on his own, and they ended up carrying him to the hospital together.

In spite of all the layers, Logan still caught a cold, and it put a big wrench in all their plans. Logan is mostly bedridden now, and convincing Ethan he still has to go to school is a feat. Just like they have to take turns to stay with Logan. Surprisingly, even Ellis Grey pitches in for a few hours when both he and Meredith are tied up. Yet, from the looks of it, Derek is definitely not on her favorite people's list.

He misses working with Meredith, but being with Logan while she's at work is exactly what he needs. Also, the fact that they barely cross paths to share updates about their days and figure out their schedules helps to hide the huge elephant in the room.

Sometimes, when Logan is asleep and he has time to think, he wonders what it will be of the relationship he has with Meredith. They seemed to be making progress before fatherhood was sprung on him, now… Part of him is still resentful and angry she hid this secret for years, but he's also angry at himself for being so clueless and not questioning her earlier.

His head is a mess if he stops and thinks about his life.

Derek decides that in order to stay sane he only has to focus on two things these days: Logan and surgery. The rest will unfold.

He's wandering around the hospital while he waits for his next surgery, tempted to call Meredith and ask how Logan is doing. He seems to be on the mend, but the cold weakened him even more than his failing heart.

When he finds Meredith, she's just outside Logan's hospital room, looking wiped.

"Hey," he says softly, the urge to reach out and hold her almost unbearable. Yet, the boundaries are too feeble for him to do something as impulsive as that.

"Logan is asleep. He's stable." There's relief in her tone, but not enough to give him peace of mind.

"His cough?"

"Heartbreaking?" Meredith says that with a small smile, but the pain is evident in her features.

Derek only nods, but he does move his hand to squeeze her shoulder. Her strong pose relaxes and she sags under his touch. It's Meredith who turns their contact into a hug, and he holds onto her for dear life.

She's exhausted, they both are, but he wouldn't want to be anywhere else. If fatherhood means his heart shattering and mending in a matter of minutes, he's in for the long haul.

"I called the bus company, they're going to bring Ethan here from now on instead of home, since this is where he wants to be anyway. It will be so much easier for me and you can do all your surgeries and not rush home."

Derek squeezes her tightly for a beat. "I want to do this with you. You need to make your life easier, not my life easier."

Meredith shakes her head, trying to wriggle out of the embrace. He holds her, still. "It's okay if you hate me and us, Derek. It's okay."

"I can't. I've loved our boys even before I knew they were mine. And you…"

He can't say it, but Meredith knows what comes next, because she pulls away. She wipes the tears from her puffy eyes, now green as a meadow after a rainstorm. This time, he lets her.

Derek is just about to cross every possible line and kiss her when they hear Logan's feeble voice call for them. "Mommy! Derek!"

They both run back to his bedside.

Derek gulps when he sees how gaunt and sick his little boy looks. This cough has taken almost everything from him, but his eyes are still sparkling with eagerness.

"Hi, Derek!" he says. "It feels so long since I've seen you."

"I was in surgery, Berry." Derek sits on his bed, so large for such a little boy, and kisses his hair. Logan melts into him, and Derek is quick to hug him and rub his back when a loud, dry cough shakes him. When he turns to Meredith, he can see tears in her eyes.

"Derek?"

"What's up, little duck?"

Logan giggles at that. "I'm not a little duck."

"I know. That's what my mommy said to me whenever I called her name over and over again. Do you like it?"

"It rhymes."

"I love rhymes."

"Me, too." Logan takes a deep, deep breath, but he's clearly not getting enough oxygen. Meredith reaches over with an oxygen mask, and Logan wears it for a moment, some color returning to his cheeks.

"Better?" Derek says.

Logan nods. "How come we never met you before?" he says, lowering his oxygen mask. "How come you weren't there when we were born or after?"

"I lived far away, Logan," he replies, moving the mask back to Logan's mouth again. "I lived all the way in New York, where my mommy also lives."

"So you didn't want to leave her alone?"

"Logan, I would have jumped on a plane the second I knew about you if I had known in New York. But I had no way to get in touch with Mommy, otherwise she would have told me sooner."

"I had to stay in the hospital lots when I was a baby."

"Good thing I love hospitals, right?"

Logan giggles. "Mommy says she doesn't like hospitals much when I'm in them."

"Well, I have to agree with her on that."

Logan laughs, but it turns into a cough, and Derek knows it's time for their conversation to end.

"You should rest, Logan."

"Will you stay?"

"Of course. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else."

"Good."

"Get some sleep, Logan. I love you." It comes out so naturally, so easily, his heart swells with pride. It still feels unreal that this boy and his brother are his, but it's a beautiful feeling nonetheless.

"Love you too, Daddy."

Derek is tearing up as Logan's eyes close and he kisses his forehead, knowing that he never had anything else more important to do than watching his little boy sleep.

* * *

Two hours of silence between him and Meredith and gently holding his little boy pass before Derek has to leave Logan's bedside, and even when his pager buzzes, he's reluctant to do so.

A very quiet Meredith assures him that it will be okay if he wakes up, but Derek still feels guilty.

He's glad the consult in the ER only takes up half an hour of his time and is non-surgical, yet.

Derek is well on his way to Logan's room when two very familiar faces show up.

"Uncle Derek!"

Derek smiles immediately when he sees Annabel running towards him, and he opens his arms wide to hold her. He hugs her tightly, but not as tightly as she's holding him.

Before he can say hi to Lizzie too, a little voice breaks his heart.

"Derek?"

When he turns, Ethan is standing alone in the middle of the hall, his backpack still on his shoulders, a devastated expression on his face.

"Ethan, hey," he says, letting go of Annabel. He moves to hug Ethan too, but the boy steps back. "This is Annabel, your cousin. That woman standing there is my sister Lizzie. You know, she's my twin sister. Liz, Annie, this Ethan."

Ethan still looks wary, and he can't blame him. "You have a twin, too?"

"Yeah. Even though I wish I had a twin brother for a long time."

"Hey!" Lizzie says, a playful smile on her face. Ethan smiles too, even though he's still not budging.

"How was your day, buddy?"

"Good," he says, but as usual never expands much on that. "Is Logan sleeping?"

"I don't know. Mommy is with him, I was just about to go and check how he was doing. I had to run to the ER for a case."

"Wanna go with me, then?"

Derek smiles. "Of course."

Ethan falls into step with him, and Derek motions to Annabel and Lizzie to follow.

"Der?" Lizzie whispers in his ear as Annabel moves closer to Ethan, clearly quizzing him.

"Liz, I just figured out they're mine so please, it's complicated enough without your meddling. Why are you here anyway?"

"Well, I figured out they were your kids too and I wanted to make sure you weren't missing out on any more time with them."

Derek rolls his eyes at her snark. "Liz...Meredith had her reasons."

"Derek, –"

"We both fucked this up, but we're trying to make up for it now. And Logan is dying, so that's enough of figuring out. We can worry about the rest as soon as Logan is better. I'm good with this."

Lizzie looks at him questioningly, but they don't have much time, since they have already reached Logan's room.

Ethan walks in eagerly, happy to see his brother and tell him everything he has missed in school, on top of passing on some homework if he feels like doing it. What Derek doesn't miss is Lizzie's eyes slightly widening at the sight of Logan. Both Annabel and her hover outside the hospital room, so Derek stands behind them.

His son looks even sicker now, not even an hour after he saw him last. Yet, Logan is happily listening to Ethan's stories, asking questions and giggling. He's resilient and tough and Derek loves him in a way that is so fierce and primal he cannot even put it into words.

"Uncle Derek, what's wrong with that boy?" Annabel asks, looking warily at the pair of boys on the hospital bed.

"That boy's name is Logan, he's your other cousin. Ethan's twin brother."

"They don't look like twins."

Derek smiles. "I know, right? They do look like brothers, though."

"Is Logan sick?" Annabel cuts right to the chase.

"Yes. He has a bad heart and he's waiting for the doctors to fix it."

"When is he getting the surgery to make him all better?"

Derek smiles sadly. Clearly, she already believes surgery can conquer every sickness. He's not ready to crush her spirits yet. "We don't know, Annie."

Annabel looks thoughtful for a moment. "Do you think we can play together?"

"You should ask his mommy that. She knows everything. She's the beautiful woman in the room, sitting in the chair. Her name is Meredith."

"Like my middle name!" Annabel's eyes widen.

"Indeed."

"That's so cool!" Annabel says, before she sprints inside the room. "Hello, Logan and Ethan's mommy. My name is Annabel but also Meredith, like you!"

Meredith looks at her startled for a moment, then turns to him, a question in her eyes.

Derek mutters "Niece. Explain later," then watches as Meredith eagerly answers all of Annabel's questions, before the little girl decides to charm Ethan and Logan to play. Obviously, Meredith's spark when she's around children is dulled, but he's still fascinated. He has dreamed about this moment so many times, it feels impossible that it's real.

Never in his wildest dreams though he thought the two Merediths in his life would meet like this.

"So, that's Meredith. She looks the same she did eight years and two kids ago. I'm jealous." Lizzie's tone is teasing, but he knows she's working him over.

"She looks different, but it's a good different."

"Oh, you're smitten," Lizzie says, giggling. Derek doesn't deny. "Are you two a thing, now?"

"Aside from being co-parents? No. No thing."

"How does that work? Do you get days with them like divorced couples?"

Derek sighs. "Logan was already sick when she told me about them. We kinda rolled with it, especially since only after a few days he was admitted."

"So now you're basically ignoring the problem?"

At her firm tone, Derek gets defensive. "I'm not."

"So you're okay with her hiding her kids from you for months – without even considering the years before that?"

"Of course not!" His voice is sharper than he intends. "She thought I had moved on. She was sure I didn't want the burden of two kids, one of them sick. She did what she thought was best."

"I don't know how you can possibly be okay with that."

"I'm not. I lost years of their lives. Years I'll never get back."

"But?"

"But I have the present to make up for it. What good will it do if I fight her for custody? If we fight every time we see each other? The boys need stability and I'm trying to rise above."

Lizzie snorts, looking at him with a face that says he's clearly insane.

"I've been batting a lot of beer cans in the woods then forcing myself to pick them up in the morning to keep my sanity. I work out. I keep my head in my surgeries."

"You're going to implode soon, Derek."

"Well, I'll try to hold on for as long as I can."

Lizzie looks doubtful, but doesn't question him further. Her face tells him he's not off the hook yet, she will be asking more questions later for sure.

* * *

Lizzie stays for a week, which is both a blessing and a curse.

A blessing because Derek genuinely missed his sister and niece, and the boys are loving the extra playmate. A curse because she has tried multiple times to play matchmaker between him and Meredith, sounding a lot like his mother would.

In fact, the day after Lizzie came he called his mother and told her everything. She held off flying over here too only because of Logan, but he knows it's only a matter of time now. The single picture he sent of the boys and Meredith is not enough to satisfy her.

Thankfully, Lizzie promised to report in detail what happened, so that their mother could feel involved without actually showing up here uninvited. Derek hopes it will work out in his favor.

What is not working out is Logan's heart, and that's enough to monopolize his brain.

They managed to give him some relief from the cough, but it weakened his heart to a point that they are considering hooking him up to an LVAD. Logan is not an ideal candidate at all, but if he's not feeling any better by tomorrow, that's where they're headed.

Derek is almost glad Lizzie and Annabel are here to keep the boys' mind off the impending change, but his worries are building up.

Due to another not-so-subtle way to push he and Meredith together, Derek finds himself sitting in the hospital courtyard, sipping bitter coffee from a paper cup, his eyes resting softly on Meredith, who is doing the same.

She looks pale, even though the sun is giving her a beautiful glow. She's clearly tired, and he hasn't bothered looking much in a mirror either, so he probably looks just as bad. He knows he hasn't shaved in days, but he hopes nobody minds it.

"I like this rugged look on you," Meredith says, almost reading his mind.

Derek laughs, hoping he's not blushing. "I only let my beard grow when I go camping, but I can do it more often if you like."

Meredith giggles, shaking her head, diverting her gaze to her coffee.

They have spent so much time together, but they barely have shared anything besides the necessary information about their sons' well-being. This situation is borderline awkward, thanks to all the unsaid things between them. Yet, Derek doesn't feel awkward at all, sharing coffee with her and simply breathing, shutting off the bad thoughts from his brain.

Thinking resumes quickly though, as Meredith's face turns more serious.

"Should we consent to the LVAD?" she asks, her eyes on the ground.

"What?"

"You heard Dr. Krupps, it's not the best solution, but it's the best temporary fix aside from actually changing his valve. And that had even more risks now."

"What?"

"You've been a doctor for longer, what would you do?" She looks at him for a split second, and her eyes change. "Okay, I know that's stupid, because I can't think like a doctor when it's Logan, but…"

Derek swallows the lump in his throat. He indeed can't think like the neurosurgeon he is, but that's not what surprises him.

"You're asking my opinion about this?"

"I'm trying for us to figure out a plan together, yes." Meredith looks puzzled now. "Are you okay?"

"I am, yes. I'm just…" Derek gulps. "I'm actually part of this. I'm not on the sidelines. I'm so in this and we're deciding about life and death stuff. I…"

Meredith's confusion is replaced by defensiveness. "I can decide on my own, Derek."

"I know. But I love that you aren't. I'm just...This is big for me. And for you. And for the boys."

"Why?" Confusion is there again.

"Because it means that you guys will be stuck with me forever, liking it or not." He can't help the wide smile that blossoms on his face. "I do want to take these decisions with you, Meredith. All of them. Whether is this or what to give them for Christmas, I'm so glad you're allowing me to be a part of this."

Meredith blinks, almost as if realization hit her too, and she opens her mouth to say something. Nothing comes out. Derek is okay with that though.

He takes her hand in his and squeezes, murmuring: "Thank you."

She squeezes back.

She looks even more beautiful in the sunlight, now.

* * *

In the end, when their coffee cups were empty and their hearts full of their staring, they decided, together, to go ahead and sign off for the LVAD.

By the time they got back to Logan's room and Lizzie left with Annabel and Ethan, taking both kids home, the tests were looking even worse though.

Dr. Krupps swooped in at two thirty in the morning that night when they were just about ready to give up hope and settle for the LVAD, hoping it would work. When they saw his face, they knew it was good news.

They found a heart for Logan.

* * *

 **A/N: Hopefully, it won't be as long before the next update, but I'm not making any promises. Life is still crazy on this side of the ocean! Than you for sticking around!**


	18. There's A Radiant Darkness Upon Us

**A/N: After a while, BISY is being updated again! You know I'm busy, adulting is not conducive to writing, ever, but I'll try my best to keep the updates flowing and finish all my stories, I just hope you're patient enough for it.**

 **So, this chapter's title and the next one will be strictly connected, and they're both taken from _You Were A Kindness_. If you listen to the song, you can figure out next chapter's title, too :P**

 **Now, enjoy!**

* * *

 **Chapter 18 - There's a Radiant Darkness Upon Us**

* * *

The process of preparing Logan for surgery was grueling, but not as grueling as preparing themselves for the wait and the fear. The fact that it was the middle of the night didn't help at all.

Yet, elation and terror leaped at Derek's soul like ocean waves, moving alternatively like a tide. Meredith didn't seem to be faring better.

As time crawls, they can all agree on one thing: they are terrible at waiting.

The silence is too heavy. The waiting room bleak and sad, the pastel colors almost mocking them to be calm. Derek needs something to do to avoid thinking about all the possible ways this surgery can go wrong.

Maybe Meredith will ground him.

* * *

"Tell me about Logan," Derek says, his eyes on the floor tiles, before they meet hers. The sadness in his gaze is overwhelming.

Meredith has been driving herself crazy from the moment she last saw Logan disappear into the restricted OR area, and she has no idea why Derek is so chatty all of a sudden. Yes, the silence was getting uncomfortable, and her thoughts are still racing, but she hopes it will be a quick conversation and then she can go back to wallowing.

"What do you want to know?"

"Everything, Meredith. From the moment he was a bunch of cells inside you to now. I want to know everything." Derek is desperate, and she can't figure out if it's because of the transplant or what she did to him by hiding his sons for seven years.

She looks at her watch. They brought Logan in just fifteen minutes ago, and it already feels like a million hours. Maybe talking about happy times will help. And she has an even better idea.

"I'll be right back," she says, before she bolts to her office.

* * *

Derek spends the five minutes Meredith takes to get back in utter silence and fear, counting the tiles on the floor to keep his thoughts occupied with mindless crap instead of the idea of Logan's chest being split open.

When she comes back, Meredith looks weary and sad, her scrubs already wrinkled, but she's holding something in her hands like a treasure.

"Here," she says, sitting down.

When she hands him a heavy book with a pale blue cover, he smiles. "Is that…?"

"Logan's baby book. Or well, life book, really. I have plenty of baby books, but I'm running low on recent pictures. I also have one for both of them, but it's at home. I'll bring it to you. I keep this one and Ethan's in my office as a pick-me-up during the darkest nights."

Derek caresses the cover fondly, too curious, yet almost afraid to open it. There's an entire lifetime of blanks here he's beyond ready to fill, but he's afraid that the anger is gonna swell in him at the sight of whatever milestone he didn't witness because of Meredith. The overwhelming curiosity though wins.

The first page depicts Meredith, standing in front of a window, watching the sunset and cradling her belly with a reverence that makes Derek shiver. She looks tired, and she's huge, but Derek has never seen her so gorgeous. She radiates joy.

"My mom took that one. It was right after I told her I was in labor. I was standing there, debating how crazy I was for keeping two babies during medical school."

Derek smiles, looking into her eyes with reverence. "I've never seen you this beautiful."

Meredith blushes, shaking her head. "Skip from whale-me, please."

Derek's lips curve up again, but he lingers on the picture. "What's the best memory you have of your pregnancy?"

"I… Maybe the first time I felt them move," she says. "I was in class, and it was the oddest feeling. I was taking a seminar since I didn't enroll in the winter semester but I was still active enough around February. They just started tapping me, almost as if they wanted to tell me they were there and I should focus on them instead of my career for a bit. Just a gentle, soft nudge here and there, from both of them. Obviously, I spent the rest of the class trying to figure out if they were kicking, kneeling or elbowing me, and who was doing what."

Derek chuckles, closing his eyes for a beat longer, imagining the picture Meredith's words are painting.

"I also vividly remember dancing. It was right before Christmas and I was starting to look very pregnant. I think it was not long after I came to find you in New York," she sighs, and he feels a pain in his heart. He could have witnessed this if it weren't for Rose. He lets it go for now, focusing on Meredith's words instead.

"So between Thanksgiving and Christmas?" he prompts.

"I guess, yes." More sighing. "I was so down that Cristina just hopped on a plane from California and came to visit. We danced it out."

"Danced it out?"

"Yeah," she says with a shrug. "We put music on and we just danced, randomly, as if nobody was watching. That day's pick was _Hit the Road, Jack_. Ray Charles made my kinda crappy day better."

" _Hit the Road, Jack_?"

Meredith nods, hiding again her embarrassment. "Only, I was belting out your name instead of Jack. And when I said Jack, it stood for jackass instead."

Derek has to smile at her.

"You do remember the song, right?"

Derek knows he has a vague idea of the rhythm, but the words aren't coming to him. Well, not until Meredith starts humming the song, a smile on her face; then she's singing the edited version as well, and his world feels complete.

"Was that your way of...letting go?" Derek says, hesitating.

"Somehow, yes. I never really let you go, but that felt good. It was what I needed. I was crying again four hours later thanks to my whacky hormones, but that's a different story."

"So, bad hormones?"

"And mixed cravings. I ate all sort of stuff that should not go together at the same time."

A smile pops on his face. "Examples."

"Peanut butter and jelly plus chicken sandwich. Raspberries and bacon. Cheez-It with pears...I had a long list and two very conflicted twins."

Derek has to cringe at the cravings, but he would have made fun of her forever if he had been there. And he would have gladly delivered an awesome raspberries and bacon sandwich, if that's what she was craving. Even if it meant going to the ends of Earth for it.

"Sounds like it was quite the rollercoaster."

"I only had morning sickness for like a week though, so I'm glad for that. I could deal with the wacky cravings, after all." Her honest answer makes his lips curl up in a smile again. And it prompts him to turn the page.

"Aww, that's cute," he can't help but saying. In the picture, Ethan and Logan are holding hands in the hospital incubator, clearly looking brand new. Logan looks sick already, while Ethan is the picture of health. Both of them are the most perfect babies he's ever seen, though.

Meredith shakes her head. "They didn't want to stay separate, ever. They just clung to one another. And Logan breathed much more easily if he could feel Ethan, so nobody argued and put them together. They're still each other's safety blanket at times."

"I remember, yeah," Derek says, recalling the very first night at his trailer, with the boys and Meredith sharing the master bedroom.

Almost reluctantly, Derek turns the page, and comes across Logan's first picture at home. He's already a few months old, and it shows, but he's still smaller than Ethan.

From there, every important moment in Logan's life is being recorded, good and bad ones. From the first solid food to his first real surgery; from his first steps to his first day of kindergarten. There's a whole life here, a life he has missed completely, but a life he can see bloom next, whenever Logan will come out of those swinging doors.

Derek traces every picture with his eyes or his fingers, listening to each meticulous explanation from Meredith, unable to be bored by all her talking. His head is buzzing with a lifetime of memories, and he still craves more. He wants to make more.

When Derek gets to the last picture, his throat closes up. It's his first and so far only picture he has with his children: he is in the middle, Logan on his left and Ethan on his right, the volcano they made placed proudly in front of them, just like the stack of Mentos to make it explode. The caption reads: "Volcano-making for a first prize science fair project with Derek." His name is then crossed off, replaced by "Daddy."

Derek's eyes prickle with tears. "Mer –"

"That's his edit. He pitches in now for the pictures and the captions. We filled in the album one of these mornings, to keep his mind off his cough."

At this point, Derek can't keep in the tears any longer. He's sobbing in a few seconds, and he doesn't regret it at all.

It hits him like a freight train, the fact that he might not see Logan again, get to know him inside out, in spite of all the missed years. He will have Ethan as a reminder of everything that could have been, but Logan will not be there.

He wants to hear Logan call him Daddy again, for the rest of his long, long life.

When he looks up, Meredith is crying too, her silent tears glistening under the sterile lights of the hospital. She looks just as devastated as he feels, and when she reaches out to hold his hand, instinctively he pulls her into a hug.

It's like everything is suddenly right in the world again as they touch.

For days he has been wondering if he ever really knew Meredith at all, considering that she was capable of hiding his children from him for years, but as he holds her, sobbing with her, all their emotions laid bare and raw between them, he's sure that he knows her better than anybody else.

He will not go easy on her about what happened, especially not after things have settled down – one way or the other –, but he will also not hold it over her head forever. Yes, she made a huge mistake, but she's trying. She's showing pictures and involving him in every decision, never keeping him away from his kids and instead arranging their schedules so he can spend even more time with them than it's humanly possible without living together. She's trying hard, and he will forever be grateful.

Meredith hugs him so tightly she might be leaving marks, but he's squeezing her just as tightly. Maybe they both know it will be a while before they will hug again. Or maybe he's just in the right spot at the right time, but Derek cannot care less. He holds her, marveling at how well they still fit.

Minutes that feel like hours pass, as their hug loosens, but their bodies remain close.

Her thigh is pressed against his thigh firmly, warmth against warmth, seeking a quiet comfort that is almost a chimera in this sterile waiting room. Derek presses his hand on her knee as the door opens, revealing surgeon that is not Logan's surgeon.

Both of them know it will be a long while before Dr. Krupps comes out, but the fear of seeing him prematurely draws him to squeeze Meredith's knee every time. After the third false alarm, Meredith starts putting her hand over his, too.

As the third nurse passes through, Meredith's hand doesn't really allow Derek's to move back onto his lap. So there they stay, sitting in their own badly cushioned chairs, jumping on alert at every person exiting the restricted surgical area, their hands folded over Meredith's knee.

Counting those people becomes hypnotic, a new way to be distracted and keep his mind of impending doom. The gentle squeeze from Meredith every time someone new shows up is like a jolt of awareness through his whole body.

When person number twenty-three, a nurse with bloody clogs, passes through, Meredith's squeeze is gentler, almost imperceptible. Person twenty-four takes at least seven minutes to pass by, and by then Meredith is not squeezing his hand anymore: she has fallen into a light doze, one she had perfected in the days vigil at Logan's bedside, with her head leaning against the wall, her fist keeping her propped up.

Derek then doesn't squeeze her thigh anymore, he simply watches her sleep, as light as that sleep might be. She jolts herself awake a couple of times, almost as if she's fighting sleep with all her might, yet she always succumbs.

By person thirty she's fully out, her head slowly falling forward. Gently, Derek pushes her cheek on his shoulder, giving her slightly more support and softness, yet keeping his distance, as he doesn't encircle her body in any way, he simply leaves his hand on her thigh as it was before.

Meredith lets out a content breath, and her fingers press against his a little more firmly, a barely-there squeeze that brings the smallest of smiles on Derek's face.

In spite of everything happening, she's always beautiful and strong, weathering any storm.

Deep down, Derek knows she tried her best, making what she thought was the right choice for her children; having her asleep against him makes the thought and the actual reality easier to reconcile.

* * *

Dr. Krupps is person number seventy-eight. When he shows up, the hospital is in full day mode again, but that's the only reason why Derek knows it's morning since he has completely lost track of time. It might be three hours, six, twenty, he has no idea. He only knows that they're about to know the truth, and a shiver runs down his spine.

Waiting was almost better than this. And the fact that he's trying to gauge what happened from Dr. Krupps' facial expressions is not helping matters.

Without thinking, Derek presses his lips to Meredith's head, just as he has done many times to Logan now, and he almost regrets it. Almost. He doesn't when he meets her wonderfully green eyes, full of sleep and tears and fears.

"Dr. Krupps is here," he murmurs, watching as her whole body turns to alert mode: straightened posture, goodbye hand-holding, serious face on. This business-like Meredith is always there when it has to do with the twins.

She doesn't say anything, she simply gives a look to Dr. Krupps, as if she were waiting for him to be ready.

Derek misses the security of her hand to hold.

"Logan is okay. They're rolling him to the CICU as we speak. The surgery went really well. I honestly thought there would be many more concerns, especially considering the lung deficit and the slight fever, but he sailed through. Now…"

The rest of the words do not really register with Derek, his brain overwhelmed by the news. His son is alive. He will be okay.

"When can we see him?" Meredith's voice cuts through his racing thoughts.

"As soon as he comes off the anesthesia," Dr. Krupps replies. "So, since it will take at least a few hours, why don't you guys get home, get some sleep, some breakfast, maybe explain everything to Ethan, and then come back?"

"Dr. Krupps – " Meredith starts to protest, but he cuts her off.

"I'll page you if he wakes up before you are back."

Meredith gives him a very uncertain look.

"Right away, I promise." At that, Derek knows Dr. Krupps will follow through.

He cannot wait to see Logan again.

* * *

 **A/N: What, you thought something bad would happen to Logan? Yeah, I'd never trust a writer either. I hope you guys can trust me enough, though! Thank you for reading! I appreciate every single one of you coming here and reading my words, even if I never say it enough.**


	19. I Don't Want You To Worry

**A/N: Hello, readers! Welcome back! This chapter is from a peculiar POV that made it slightly harder to connect with it, but I thought it would be fun to have an "external voice" to witness Logan's recovery and Meredith and Derek's developing relationship. I hope you'll enjoy it!**

 **The title for this chapter is a tie-in to the previous one. The whole line in _You Were a Kindness_ is "There's a radiant darkness upon us / I don't want you to worry". Since these two chapters are more or less in the same story arc, you get it why they deserve matching titles.**

 **Now, enjoy!**

* * *

 **Chapter 19 - I Don't Want You to Worry**

* * *

When Ellis Grey rushes into her hospital with Richard and Ethan next to her it's – probably for the first time ever – not for a surgery.

When Meredith texted in the middle of the night saying that they found a heart for Logan and they were rushing him into surgery, her whole world had felt at a standstill. Waiting was never her strong suit. Leaving her house was also not a good idea, unless she wanted to leave Richard with Ethan, and then the little boy would know right away that something was wrong, since she promised to take him somewhere fun in the morning because she has the day off.

Now she is leaving Ethan with Richard and she's hurrying to find Logan's ICU room.

While they are all doctors, she knows they will not get special treatment this time around. It wouldn't be fair to get special treatment, as much as she would like to.

Ellis asks the nurse at the desk the bed number, then dashes to find her grandson. She is very surprised when she sees Derek instead of her daughter, sitting next to the bed where Logan is sleeping. Derek is in a yellow gown, scrubs peeking out of the collar edges, and he is simply holding Logan's hand. The man looks tired and worn out, but at the same time, some of the worries she has seen in the past few days seem to have eased.

When her eyes fall on her grandson though, her throat closes up.

Logan has never been the healthiest of kids, but he looks very small and fragile hooked up to all the machines surrounding his too-large bed.

When Derek lifts up his gaze, she can see that he has been crying, and very recently, too.

"Meredith is getting coffee," he explains, his voice thick and still teary. "He's doing so well, so far," he adds, and the smile on his face changes his whole demeanor. And she'll be damned, Ellis can see Logan's smile there, too.

"When did you get here?" Ellis asks.

"I never left," Derek says, which surprises Ellis. She was quite sure Meredith would push everybody away and brave this by herself; she's pleasantly surprised she let Derek stay. "I was just outside, since they don't allow more than one person to stay in at all times. I feel like the Chief of Surgery can get away with it, though." He chuckles, squeezing Logan's hand. "Though some of the nurses here are fierce, let me tell you."

Ellis smiles. She's glad her staff is working well and treating them like any other family. "Good. Has Logan woken up, yet?"

"A few times, very briefly. He's still pretty groggy from the anesthesia and the drugs. The nurses said he might come around any minute now, though. He'll be able to be up longer by the end of the day, hopefully."

"He needs all the rest he can get to recover, don't wake him up," she says, taking a few steps closer. "I just need to give him a kiss from Ethan, then I'll be out of here."

"You can stay. I'll get back in at some point today."

"Don't worry, stay where you are. I just need a minute." Honestly, she would love to stay longer, but she'll have time as soon as they transfer Logan to a regular room. Now Meredith – and apparently Derek – should enjoy this time with their son.

Ellis walks up to Logan's bedside, smiling down at her sleeping grandchild. She places a soft kiss on his forehead, brushing back his matted, dark hair, as she admires all his features she thought she would never see again, especially not full of life.

"Ethan can't wait to see you, so make sure you're out of the ICU as fast as possible, okay?" she whispers before she squeezes his hand. "Oma loves you very much, Berry."

Then she thanks Derek and goes out of the room. Her eyes are misty. Her grandchildren have softened her.

Before she can fully recompose herself, she hears Meredith approaching.

"Mom?" she says, and when Ellis looks up, she can see that her daughter looks terrible. She's wearing the same old sweater she was wearing the day before, her eyes are puffy and she looks dead tired, even though she's holding two cups of coffee. Ellis wonders if one of those is for Derek. "Did you get to see Logan?" Meredith asks, a slow smile on her face as she looks at her son.

"Yeah. Derek let me sneak in and nobody kicked me out, even if he was there." She puts up a smile, but she knows Meredith might have seen her teeny tiny tears.

"He looks so much better, already. I don't know how, but he does." Meredith's voice is soft and reverent, her eyes full of wonder, almost as dazzled as the first time she saw the twins after they were born.

"Do you have any idea when they'll transfer him to a regular room?" Ellis asks.

"Honestly, no. They said it might be tonight or tomorrow, depends on how he's responding to treatments. They confiscated his chart, so I have no idea."

Ellis smiles at that. "I'm glad they did that. We need to learn how to be on the other side of the doctoring, for once."

Meredith sighs. "As long as Logan is okay, I'll try to be good."

"Glad to hear that," Ellis says. Then she can't help herself, she pulls Meredith into a quick but strong hug. "We both needed this." Meredith's body sags and she takes a deep, shuddery breath. Ellis squeezes her one last time, before she lets her go. They both have smiles on their faces.

"Thank you for taking care of Ethan," Meredith adds.

"Of course. There was nowhere else I would rather be."

"Liar. You would have been in the OR the whole time if you could." Meredith grins.

Ellis chuckles. "You're right. Much less nerve-wracking."

"I'm glad Derek was there to keep me sane. Or keep me from storming in the OR."

Ellis hums, filing away this information. She knows Meredith told him the bare basics of how Ethan and Logan were made, but she never expected Derek to stick around and be this kind of father. Orperson, really. She will have to investigate this particular issue as soon as Meredith's life has quieted down a bit. She is quite eager to figure out who Derek Shepherd is in any case.

* * *

Ellis is quite used now to dropping by Logan's room every morning before she starts her shift. And every morning, she finds her daughter there, next to him, sometimes with Ethan, sometimes not. Most of the time, Derek is there, too, which does not cease to surprise Ellis one bit.

She has not seen Derek out of scrubs since Logan's surgery, the man spending all his time next to his son, no matter how little he had. This morning is no different.

The only one not asleep is Logan, though.

Meredith is slumped on the couch on the left side of the bed, the closest to the window, her head on the armrest, her legs folded up to her chest. Derek is sitting, asleep, on the other side of the couch, his hand resting on Meredith's ankle, his body veering towards her and the bed with Logan in it.

"Hi, Oma!" Logan whispers, his face splitting in a smile. "Mommy and Daddy were both snoring a second ago," he giggles, putting his hands on his face to muffle his laughter.

Logan's eyes are sparkling. He still tires easily, as pumped up in drugs as he is, but the change in him is remarkable. For the first time in his life, he looks one-hundred percent healthy, and Ellis loves seeing him like this.

"Daddy doesn't snore as loud as Mama, though," Logan laughs some more, putting a smile on Ellis' face too.

Ellis is surprised again by the fact that Logan calls Derek Daddy already, but she doesn't want to meddle. She hopes Shepherd will not walk away as soon as times are easier and boredom sets in. She knows he has a hero complex, like most surgeons, so she can see why he's sticking with Meredith and her children. She only hopes the day-to-day grind will keep him there as well, because she doesn't want to see Logan's precious new heart broken, nor Ethan's.

"Oma, you should tell Mommy and Daddy to sleep in a regular bed, 'cause Mommy said her neck hurts when I was still waking up, and Daddy said his back has a crick in it." Logan sighs, looking towards his sleeping parents.

"Well, Berry, they're here because they love you very much and they don't want to leave you alone."

"But you come all the time, and Nurse Jenny always makes sure I have all the Jell-O I want, they can take a break."

Ellis smiles. "I will try to let them rest tonight, okay? Maybe I can come and sit with you."

"I 'd love it, Oma!" Logan squeals, looking even healthier.

Meredith stirs at that, stretching her legs and kicking Derek in the thigh in the process. Neither one of them wakes up completely, though. Meredith settles her legs in his lap, while Derek simply moves his hands over her shins, not caring a bit that she's basically laying on him.

"We gotta be quiet," Logan whispers, putting a finger in front of his lips.

"I also need to go to work soon, Logs," Ellis announces.

Logan looks disappointed for a moment, but then he perks up. "Mommy told me that maybe I will get to go home soon, so I can be with Ethan every day! I miss him."

"I bet you do. I think Mommy will bring him by this afternoon, after school."

"He's keeping me all caught up with my homework!"

"Ethan is the best brother you could have, right?"

Logan nods. "I'm glad he's all mine. And that Mommy is my Mommy and you are my Oma. And that I have a Daddy, now."

"Do you like having a Daddy?"

Logan's eyes sparkle. "I do! He's gonna be there forever, he says."

"That's amazing, Logan."

"It's okay if Ethan and I have to share, though. Daddy said we'll learn all together."

"Oh, you will." Ellis smiles softly. She truly hopes Derek Shepherd is good at keeping promises, or she'll make sure he will never be able to see her grandchildren ever again. "Alright, I need to start working. You take care of yourself and keep your parents asleep, okay? Tell them that Oma says hi, and that they need a bed."

Logan giggles. "I will! Love you lots, Oma!"

"I love you, too, Berry!"

Ellis exits his room, knowing she'll probably be back during her lunch break. Maybe she'll get to see Ethan, too.

* * *

At lunchtime, Logan's room looks strangely empty from the outside. When Ellis gets in she only sees Logan in bed, as usual, and Ethan sitting on the chair next to him, as she was hoping.

Ellis looks at them and sighs. They have always looked different, their blond and dark hair the easiest trait to pick them out, but it was easy to see that Ethan was faring much better than Logan in the health department. Now they look as alike as they can be, playing Go Fish together, with Logan's skin a healthy color and his eyes sparkling with ease. And darn it if she can see how much their smiles match Shepherd's.

"Oma!" Logan shouts as soon as he spots her. Ethan follows suit, running to hug her.

"Hey, boys. Are you having fun all by yourself?"

Logan nods, smiling wildly. Ellis relaxes visibly at the sight of her healthy grandson.

"Mommy is getting lunch for us 'cause we're starving. Daddy is in surgery," Ethan says, for a moment sadness passing through his eyes.

"He said he'll try to come and eat with us," Logan adds.

"Have you been good, then?" Ellis asks.

"We've just played Go Fish all the time." Logan seems slightly disappointed by that. "I can't get out of bed just yet. Mommy said she'd tie me to it if I try to walk out. OR use a wheelchair."

Ethan giggles. "She did. Daddy said he'd be the one to tighten all the ropes. Daddy is very strong, Oma. He can even lift me up over his head!"

Logan nods emphatically. "He carries me to the bathroom too sometimes, so I don't have to pee in the bedpan."

"I see," Ellis says, filing away every little information about Shepherd that her grandchildren are willing to divulge. Her mission of making sure they are safe is never-ending. "Did he say you can call him Daddy now? Because last time I saw the two of you together you still called him Derek."

Logan shakes his head, but so does Ethan. "Ethan and me decided that if he was good to us we could try to call him Daddy and he said it is okay if we do."

"But if he hurts us or Mommy he's done being Daddy," Ethan adds, a serious expression on his face.

"Mommy?" Ellis prods, because she wants to know how much the children know about the fact that Meredith is still crazily in love with him.

"She gets all gooey and mushy when he's here and sometimes they hold hands. It's gross." Ethan cringes.

"But it means that Mommy likes him. Maybe he likes her too and we can all live together in the same house soon. It's good, even if it's gross." Logan adds.

"If they kiss I'll barf," Ethan says, his serious face turning into a giggle.

"They'd better not kiss here because if I barf they'll keep me in this bed for ten more years!" Logan says, giggling too.

Ellis revels in their shenanigans, smiling. She has missed seeing her two grandsons together like this. She should make it a point to visit her grandchildren more often. She is glad though that Logan is well enough to go home soon, though. That is all that matters. That way this duo can keep entertaining her for a long, long time.

* * *

 **A/N: I bet you weren't expecting Oma Ellis, uh? [insert cackling]**

 **I didn't want to go through all the grueling steps of recovery again, and not from a parent's POV. This story is more about the budding relationships in this than the heart surgery so I made it much easier to skip to that. I hope you enjoyed it nonetheless!**

 **Thank you for reading and loving this!**


	20. Born To Beg

**A/N: I know, super unusual time for me to update, but this is for Paz, who is sick and needs a pick-me-up.**

 _ **Born to Beg**_ **is from the brand new album _Sleep Well Beast_. It's almost too sad of an album for this story, but I love it!**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Chapter 20 - Born to Beg**

* * *

Derek always lets in the kids first, whenever he enters Meredith's home, and he's never been more grateful for this, since as soon as he walks past the threshold, he sees Ellis Grey squeezing both Logan and Ethan in gentle hugs.

It leaves him unsettled, seeing this very soft side of Ellis, especially since he knows she was never much of a mother for Meredith. Yet, it's nice to know she's human.

"What did you kids do today?" Ellis asks, standing back up.

"Did you know that Daddy has a lake?" Logan starts, his eyes sparkling. A smile automatically stretches on Derek's face.

"He even has ducks sometimes!" Ethan adds as they start re-telling to their grandmother their quiet morning at the lake.

When Meredith shows up and greets them, the process starts from the beginning. Except she doesn't seem as thrilled as the kids – or Ellis, for what matters – about their little outing. She only seems to perk up when Ellis proposes to take the kids back to her house for a sleepover.

He agrees that it might be fun for the kids to have a change of pace, and there's probably nobody better to monitor Logan than Ellis and Richard. If it were for him, they'd go right away, but he lets Meredith take the last decision.

Ethan and Logan beg, listing all the "cool stuff" they would be able to do with Oma, how much fun she is and how much better she cooks. Meredith caves with a smile, telling them to go pack their overnight bags.

Derek finds it amusing to see Meredith go through all the recommendations with Ellis, almost as if she were any other babysitter. Ellis shares a look with him that shows her amusement too, and it might be the very first time they're agreeing on something since he showed up in the Greys' lives. He might still not be her favorite person, but at least their relationship is less icy; he wouldn't want anything else from Ellis Grey anyway.

The kids leave in a flurry of backpacks and excitement, gleefully following Ellis to her car and already plotting what fun activities they can do together. Derek watches them leave with a smile.

"What were you thinking?" Meredith hisses, as the kids are out of earshot, the door closing softly behind Ellis. The mood of the room changes entirely with her single sentence.

"What?" Derek asks, taken out of his thoughts as he focuses back on Meredith and not Ellis and the kids.

"That little lake trip, Derek. What were you thinking?" Her voice is curt, her glare a sign that he'd better have a stellar explanation for it. She's totally using her Mom-glare on him, and it's just as scary as his own mom's glare used to be.

"I was thinking that it's a gorgeous day out and Logan and Ethan would enjoy some time outside." Lame? Of course, but he decides to go with the truth.

"Without even a hat. And you walked there!"

"Meredith, Logan will have to walk places sometime. It was less than five minutes. It was worse if I took him grocery shopping."

He can see her fuming, her cheeks rosier as she works on selecting a choice of words for him. He's ready to take her on, to defend his decision.

"He had a _heart transplant_ , for god's sake!" is what she starts with, her hands going up and then tightening into fists at her hips.

"And, at the last check-up, Dr. Krupps said he's doing remarkably well. And should resume normal life little by little."

"What part of _little by little_ don't you get?"

"It _was_ little by little. I didn't take him on an exploratory hike of all the four acres of land. It was a very flat, very short walk to the pond and back. I would have let a toddler walk it, Meredith. And I'm treating him like such. I'm treating him like he barely learned to walk. I held his hand all the way through. I stopped on the way pretending there was a little squirrel that was not actually there, so he could have a breather. We sat down at the pond for two hours before I actually took them back."

"Derek –"

"You should have seen his smile," he says, interrupting her. He knows that this hits her more than anything else, more than all the excuses he has laid out before. He knows how much she loves Logan, and how much she wants to see him happy.

"Derek –"

"I could barely breathe the whole time, Meredith. I was waiting all two hours for the other shoe to drop. I even wondered if the Medevac would be able to find us there in case something happened. Nothing happened and Logan was delighted."

"He loves being outdoors, even though he was never allowed to do much." Her features relax as she gives in.

"Ethan is more the iPad type, yeah." Derek smiles.

Meredith takes a deep breath, deflating. She pinches the bridge of her nose.

"I know it's scary, but we cannot protect him from everything. We can't. He needs to see the world and experience things now that he's able to. We have no right to shelter him. Because the world will not shelter him."

She sighs loudly. "I know that. I know. But he's my baby, Derek."

"Sometimes we need to let him fall."

She nods, leaning back against the doorframe, her eyes lost into his. Warmth and safety envelop him, and he can breathe again. All day as he had Logan it felt like all his nerves were on alert, but now he can relax. Now he can let go.

"I'm sorry. I'm sure Logan had a wonderful morning," she says, her voice soft and low.

"It was. It's gorgeous out."

"Yeah, perfect day."

They stand there in silence for a few minutes, as he drinks in the sight of her. He cannot remember the last time he has truly been alone with Meredith since the hospital waiting room, the kids always there to buffer between them. But now he can unabashedly stare at her and remind himself why he loves her.

It's hard, to restrain himself from kissing her, from telling her how much she means to him, so hard that he has to close his hands into fists to keep himself from reaching for her at times, but he will do it. Anything to keep his new family balanced.

It's Meredith who suddenly breaks the staring, moving forward and placing a kiss on his cheek. His skin blazes alive.

"Thank you. Thank you for grounding me."

He's slightly choked up at her words, so he barely replies a stilted "You're welcome," but she smiles nonetheless.

"I lived most of my life on my own, Derek, since I was a kid. My mom was there but not, my friends were not ever best friends...When I had Ethan and Logan, and then Mom came back into my life...I don't know how to let people in or how to ask for help. I don't know."

"I don't know how to be a parent, Meredith. We'll learn. We'll make mistakes and yell and then we'll patch things up."

She smiles, shaking her head. "It's not that simple."

"We should make it so. We should make it simple."

"We should," she says, and at this, he can't help himself: he leans forward, toward her, even though he shouldn't. Even though they should keep things simple.

He expects Meredith to pull away, but she doesn't. She meets his lips with her lips instead. Nothing has ever felt as simple and as complicated at the same time as kissing Meredith Grey.

Kissing Meredith is like coming home from a long, long journey. Like he forgot his keys and was stranded outside on a freezing winter day, and she finally came back and opened the door, letting him into the warmth and coziness of her home.

Derek is home.

The fire between them ignites all over again, resurfacing from the embers buried years ago. It's still there, and now, with the realization that there's something bigger they need to work for, it feels even stronger. It's a pull they can't deny, like magnets, as they kiss over and over again, their bodies unable to part, their lips apart only when breathing becomes necessary.

"Shit, Derek," she says, her forehead against his. "This is worse than ever."

"What?" he hums, unable to say anything more coherent as he tries to reboot his brain. He's dazed by Meredith Grey.

"This, between us...I never felt this way before, not even in Florence, when all we did was jump one another."

"Maybe because of the expectations? All that we built up?"

"Derek, I'm not the same. Not here," she says, pointing at her breast, right over her heart, then at her head. "And not down there. My body has changed, I have changed and…"

The only solution Derek knows to keep her quiet and calm her racing thoughts is to kiss her, and it seems to work.

"You're beautiful, Meredith. I've wanted you since I laid eyes on you in Richard's office," he says, creating a wonderful sparkle in her eyes.

"I know," she says, then gives him a mischievous smile.

She pushes him towards the couch and lets him topple over, falling with him, as she settles on top of him. She laughs when she feels that he's ready to take this to the next level already.

"This might be embarrassing," Derek says, trying to cut the tension even more. There are so many emotions built up between them that he needs to stop and simply look at Meredith; just for a beat, just to ground himself.

Meredith giggles and he savors it, closing his eyes to memorize the sound in his brain all over again. It joins hazy memories of Europe and revamps them. He feels like he's twenty-nine all over again.

As Meredith kisses him and tries to take off his t-shirt, a sense of urgency comes over him. He wants her, and he wants her right now. He's tired of waiting.

Items of clothing get scattered around the living room as they both undress each other with desire. They are quickly naked, and Derek breathes a sigh of relief when he finally feels Meredith's flesh under his fingertips.

"I never thought I'd see you again, let alone touch you like this ever in my life." He's almost choked up when he says it, a wave of emotions overwhelming him.

Meredith's fingers are just as gentle on his skin, rounding his shoulders as she gives him a small, shy smile. "I've longed for you since I left you at the airport. I thought I was making the right decision then, but I was already missing you."

"I'm sorry I didn't find you sooner."

Meredith shakes her head. "It is what it is, Derek. We can't change our past, but we can try to change our future."

"We should." There's a feeling of elation in him at her words. He wants nothing more than to be with Meredith and be a family, but he knows it won't be a walk in the park if they actually decide to go for it. Yet, he's ready to fight.

"Ethan and Logan will always come first, though. Even if I will have to break our hearts all over again, they need to come first," Meredith says, her eyes deeply scrutinizing his.

"They are already first. I still cannot believe how much I love them, even though I've known them for so little time."

"It's weirder to love a couple of clumps of cells, if it makes you feel better."

Derek laughs, then kisses her. She's still the same, even though she has changed so much. They are still the same youngsters hopping around Europe in their hearts, exploring the world and one another; nothing could surprise Derek more than this. He hoped that deep down they were still the same people, but he's amazed that they could preserve that part of themselves after so much heartache.

When they pull away, Derek just wants to make love to Meredith again, after so long. Everything else can wait, he wants to be one with her once more.

Even though they almost topple over, he manages to flip their bodies so that he's now hovering over her. Meredith doesn't lose any of her power or strength, even though she's under him. Her eyes are fierce and determined, filled with the same wonder Derek feels in his veins.

His hands wander from her shoulders down her hips, gently hooking her legs around his lower back. Meredith closes her eyes and moans when the tip of him grazes her folds. Derek's body stiffens even more, his impatience growing. At the same time, Derek doesn't want to be too rough. He wants their union to last forever, even though he knows it is impossible. They can't possibly be naked and together for the rest of their lives, after all.

"Derek, I'm on the pill," Meredith says, mistaking how he's savoring the moment for hesitation.

He smiles. "Good. We're not ready for more surprise babies just yet."

"And never again in sets of multiples," she says, giving him a look.

Derek laughs, burying his face between her neck and shoulder, then placing gentle kisses there, as their desire becomes overpowering again.

He wants to say how much he loves her, but he hopes it won't escape his lips just yet. It's too soon. He hopes showing her will be enough.

Derek first uses his fingers, slowly moving from her breasts and pert nipples down to the few stretch marks on her stomach, only to end his journey between Meredith's legs. Her breathing becomes labored and her eyes close, her feet curling around his hips, trying to push him closer as he plays with her.

Derek stops for a second before joining their bodies, his fingers still firmly stimulating Meredith. He knows they've had years of foreplay in their minds, but he has missed this Meredith, abandoned and free. She's close enough that he can wait for her first finish line before asking for entrance.

"Derek," she murmurs, his name filled with frustration and pleasure. It draws a smile out of him.

"Meredith," he echoes, adding just the right pressure that makes her fall over the edge.

She's quiet in the free-fall, but her whole body is curling and twisting, almost as if she already needs more. And Derek is ready to give her more.

"Please," she moans, pulling him in for a kiss. "Please," she echoes when they part.

Even without her begging, he would have joined their bodies anyway, unable to wait anymore.

Meredith is still reeling from her first orgasm, and he can feel her all around him. Tears come to his eyes, because he has missed her so much, for so long, but now she's here, with him, their bodies as one again.

He murmurs her name in her neck as he kisses her there gently, then just as gently moves his hips. Meredith gives her own thrust in response, and she's needy. She doesn't care about gentleness, she wants.

Derek starts a crescendo of movements, and with his speed, Meredith becomes more and more vocal, his name pronounced with more and more need as he grunts hers over and over again as well, the syllables getting lost between their flesh.

"Derek, so close," she says and he smiles.

"I know," he replies. He remembers all her cues, still, no matter how long it's been since they made love. "Me, too."

"I need…"

"I know," he cuts her off. Because he knows exactly what she needs.

He whispers her name as he comes, Meredith coming with a loud moan that she stifles on the flesh between his neck and shoulder. In his mind, Derek is screaming "I love you".

They remain tangled in a hug until they start shivering, and even then they're reluctant to separate.

"Bed? Covers will be warmer," Meredith suggests, the very first words coming out of their lips after their breaths have become regular again.

"Bed," Derek agrees, a smile on his lips.

They quietly move to her bedroom and settle under the covers, naked, their faces inches apart, their hands joined.

"How can we do this?" Meredith murmurs, her eyes shimmering with emotion. "This part comes easy to us, but how about the rest of it? I'm still terrible at relationships."

"How about we try and see how it goes?"

"We can't fuck up too badly, Derek. Ethan and Logan need their dad. You cannot leave them, ever. Even when you hate me, you need to love them."

"I won't ever leave them. I love them. And I love you, still."

Meredith's eyes widen, her mouth parting.

"I've wanted to tell you for so long, and now it's out there. You don't have to say it back, but I've loved you for so long, Meredith, I needed to tell you again."

"I don't know if I will ever get there," she admits, her eyes now avoiding his.

"We'll cross that bridge in a few years, then," he says, trying to lighten up the moment. Meredith visibly relaxes.

"You think you'll still even _like_ me in a few years?"

"I'm sure of it. I don't think there's anything that would make me change my mind about you."

Meredith blushes adorably, hiding into his embrace. He welcomes her, the soft smell of lavender and their sex bringing him back years.

"Thank you for letting me experience love. Your love, and Ethan and Logan's love. Thank you," she whispers, and his heart skips a beat.

"Thank you for giving me the chance to love and for raising them, Meredith. I will forever owe you."

She shakes her head. "I don't know if I would have kept them if they weren't yours," she says sincerely and it's bigger than any other statement she could have ever made right now.

They embrace in silence for a long beat as night descends in her room, the covers warmed up by their heated bodies.

"Can you stay? We'll wake up before my mother brings back the kids to avoid questions, but can you?" she asks, her eyes begging him to say yes.

Derek smiles. "I can."

"I just...I need this to be ours just for a little while. I can't have people knowing just yet."

"Are we sneaking again?" He chuckles and she giggles, but he understands her. He is actually almost thrilled to have this big of a secret. It will be helpful to hide their relationship from the boys until they're ready anyway, so this can be their practice.

"You are too good for me, Derek."

"Never," he says, and he means every syllable bit of it.

* * *

 **A/N: It kind of ended up in sappy territory here, but I promise I will not go too sappy on you. I know you like the drama!**

 **Don't expect another super fast update like this, because Chapter 21 right now is just a blurb consisting of 4 lines.**

 **Thank you for reading and loving BISY even with my non-existent update schedule!**


	21. I'm So Surprised You Want to Dance W Me

**A/N: Just to quote Titanic: It's been 84 years...**

 **Maybe not that long, but I know it feels that much for everyone. it's not been easy around here and I hope you can understand this. It's my birthday tomorrow, so hopefully you will not throw rotten tomatoes at me.**

 **Song for this chapter comes from _Pink Rabbits_. The title is too long, I know, but I liked it all together. Also, pretty sure it doesn't involve much dancing, but I hope you can understand the metaphor and forgive me.**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Chapter 21 - I'm So Surprised You Want to Dance With Me Now, I Was Just Getting Used to Living Life Without You Around**

* * *

When Derek wakes up in the morning, he's sure he's still dreaming. Meredith is wrapped up around him, her naked skin warm and soft against him, the pale light filtering in the room casting a gentle glow on her body and all around the dim room.

His phone is blaring his alarm ringtone and he groans loudly.

"Shut it off," Meredith growls into her pillow, burying herself deeper into the covers.

It's dark outside and chilly out of the confines of the comforter, but he can't help the smile on his face at the sight of Meredith.

"Shit, Derek, what time is it?" she asks, bolting up from the bed, revealing her gloriously naked chest.

Derek smiles, delaying his answer so that he can look at her body in the shadows of her room. The streetlight from outside the window and his phone are the only reliable sources of light so far and they cover her skin in the most intimate shadows. Derek studies her body again, before she covers herself up with the sheets, shivering.

"It's five to six."

"You need to go. Like...right now. Ellis and the kids will be here in half hour!"

"I know."

"I'll be taking a shower and, when I get back, you _cannot_ be here."

Derek laughs. "I promise I won't. Can I kiss you again before I can't kiss you for the next million hours?"

Meredith giggles, some of her panic dissipating. "Jeez, you're so dramatic. Now I know who Ethan takes after."

Derek moves closer to her again, chuckling, then joins their lips. He lets his hands caress her curves slowly, knowing they can't do much more than this, but still desiring the physical contact. He can't believe this is real, still.

"You need to go," Meredith murmurs against his lips, sighing sadly.

"I know. We'll figure this out, Mere," he says, and he's not sure who is he trying to reassure the most.

When he leaves her house at the crack of dawn, there's a bounce in his step and a smile on his face.

* * *

In the days that follow, Meredith and Derek find out that hiding in supply closets is not the worst thing in the world, after all. Mostly, they never have time for more than a quick kiss, but they try to live with it.

At least they can still sit down at the same table for lunch or share a case together without creating a buzz. They might have been overly-careful, but they are aware of how gossip spreads like wildfire here at Seattle Grace and they want to maintain their privacy for as long as they can.

Meredith loves working with Derek, and it only adds to the reason why, if there's no gossip, they can work together more easily. He is a considerate, fun teacher, and he can be exactly like the surgeon she needed to study under and has been looking for during her whole career. He's giving her freedom and leeway in her projects, and she appreciates it.

Probably just as much as she appreciates the groping in supply closets.

She sighs loudly, reeling herself out of dreamland.

Her days are busy, and she has no idea how to fit Derek in all this. Part of her is grateful their relationship is blossoming, because, with his involvement, she was able to share the burden of Logan's transplant and make it feel less daunting, while keeping up with the regular activities for Ethan, giving everyone a sense of normalcy during these past few crazy weeks.

Logan is recovering in leaps and bounds and, while she's working half shifts most days, she knows her youngest is ready to go back to school soon, and she couldn't be happier about it. Ethan's basketball practices have started again, soccer over and done for the season as soon as the cold and the fall rain started to come in. This year, Ethan wants to also try hockey – probably because of Derek – so it will be even busier. Meredith is sure that as soon as he gets a clean bill of health, Logan will be the first one to join Ethan to shoot some hoops or kick a ball in the yard.

She blinks again, trying to shift her focus back to the scans and the paperwork in front of her. When it's not her kids, Derek in her head makes it hard to focus. She feels like she's twenty-one again, and her whole world is him and traveling. Except now they have to schedule kisses in supply closets and deserted corridors. Being attached at the hip like they were in Europe will not work well with their schedules.

The umpteenth loud sigh escapes her lips, then a knock on the door prevents her from regaining full focus.

"Come in," she says, and her mother enters her office casually, with her usual surgeon mask on. Meredith never has any idea what Ellis is going to talk about when she shows up unannounced like this.

"Busy day?" Ellis smiles, from the position of a lady that loves busy days.

"Hard to focus, that's all," Meredith admits honestly.

"When I was first dating Richard I even forgot I had surgery once; I get it." Ellis smirks.

"What?" Meredith says, not sure if she's more shocked about her mother's statement or the fact that she has a motherly sixth sense.

"You and Derek. I know something is going on. I know you better than anyone else in this hospital, and there's something different about you."

"Mom –"

Ellis doesn't let her finish. "I know you're being professional, and I will let it slide, but as soon as your relationship causes trouble, I will have to report it."

"I'm not in this for the surgeries, Mom."

"I would hope so. I'd fire you myself if you'd have to sleep with the department head to scrub in for the good surgeries." That puts a smile on Meredith's face. "I just don't want too much gossip and people complaining about you two to me, then accusing me that we're related and blah blah blah."

Meredith giggles. Sometimes her mother can be really surprising. "You've spent too much time with the boys, Mom."

"It's never too much," she sighs, a sad smile on her lips. "One of the doctors that did his residency with me just passed away. I guess it's hitting close to home."

"You're not old," Meredith says, trying to reassure her.

"But I am getting older. You never know what will happen tomorrow."

"Mom, you're scaring me. Is your heart doing okay?"

Ellis sighs, shaking her head, "I'm fine, Meredith, really. I will tell you if something was wrong." Then a small smile appears on her lips. "Let's stop with this nonsense talk and tell me about Ethan's last game, instead."

Meredith replies happily, part of her eager to dismiss the depressing conversation, the other part worried that Ellis is hiding something, a bigger sadness. Maybe she should talk to Richard and figure everything out.

The conversation with her mother gets filed away as Ellis goes back to work and Meredith goes back to her paperwork. Luckily for her sanity, she gets pulled into an emergency surgery only an hour before the end of her shift, and she's more than happy to ask Derek to come over and look after the boys until she's back.

Derek, of course, is more than happy to stay.

When she gets home, tired but satisfied by the knowledge that she has saved a life, her boys are sitting at the kitchen counter playing a board game, the house is quiet and smells like homemade cooking. Derek is setting up placemats on the table, and he greets her with a wide, soft smile.

This is not real life, this is a dream.

"Mommy!" both boys shout at the same time, scrambling to hug her.

"We thought you wouldn't make it home in time to eat with us!" Logan says, his smile contagious.

"I'm all done with my homework. I was the fastest in all my class during my spelling test, so I could start them at school." Ethan boasts.

"How did that go?"

"Dunno. Mr. Holt is gonna give them back tomorrow. He said he could get Logan's too if I bring it to school, even if he's not in my class. He can give it to Ms. Irvington."

"That's so nice of him," Meredith says, smiling. She's glad the twins enjoy school, and she's always happy to hear about their days. She has missed hearing Logan's tales now that she only gets Ethan's. The fact that they're not in the same class helps, too, except in situations like these. If she knew Logan would need a transplant she would have pushed to have him in the same class as Ethan for this grade.

What is done is done now, she just wants to enjoy listening to her boys talk about their days.

She feels a shiver down her spine when Derek moves behind her and trails his hand gently from her shoulder down her back. His silent hello makes her grateful she's already sitting.

"I made pasta," he whispers, close to her ear. "I know everybody is a big fan."

Meredith suppresses a giggle, looking up at him. There's so much kindness and love in his gaze she could fall for him right now, even if they were strangers.

"Daddy, are you staying for dinner?" Logan asks, pulling out his puppy dog eyes.

Derek laughs. "Of course I am. I didn't slave in the kitchen just to give you and your mom a warm meal. Enjoying the product of your hard labor is the best part."

"That didn't seem like hard labor, Dad," Ethan shrugs. "You played Go Fish with us for five rounds before you started dinner."

Meredith laughs at how easily Ethan busted Derek, but Derek doesn't seem to mind at all.

"Five rounds, you say?" he asks, amused.

"Yup. We won all five of them," Logan giggles, grinning proudly.

These two will drive Derek insane if they keep it up; Derek takes everything in stride, luckily. They are definitely cut from the same cloth.

The banter between Derek and the twins continues through dinner, with Derek leading the pack. Meredith is grateful to simply sit back and enjoy, knowing for how many nights she longed for exactly this. This exceeds everything she ever imagined.

At the end of their meal, she's pleasantly full and relaxed.

"What are you doing?" Derek asks, as soon as she stands up and starts piling up some of the dishes.

"Uh...Trying not to have caked pasta sauce in our dishes before we clean them?" she replies, cocking her eyebrow.

"I got this. Just sit back and relax."

Meredith stares at him for a second, before she starts laughing. "Derek, I'm okay clearing the table and rinsing some dishes. I won't die of exhaustion. I've survived worse."

"I know. I want to do this."

Meredith sighs. "Derek, I appreciate this, but if you really want to be a family, we all have to pitch in. You cooked, I clean. Actually, the boys and I clean."

Derek looks slightly confused, but doesn't argue further, especially after Meredith hollers for the boys to get back and clear their places.

"Mommy, can we do it after we play?" Logan shouts from the other room.

"Of course not," Meredith shouts back. "Unless you want to handwash all the gross pasta sauce from it later."

The boys run back, huffing and moaning about cleaning, but they get it done.

"Derek, you can sweep," Meredith says, and the twins giggle at that.

"Mommy, can I sweep? Daddy, can I?" Ethan butts in. Meredith knows he doesn't mind cleaning and keeping spaces neats, so she's not surprised by his question.

"Maybe we can both sweep," Derek proposes, "I can do one half of the kitchen, you can do the other."

Meredith smiles at the enthusiasm for cleaning, but she embraces it. Her boys need to be able to do chores and household necessities even when she's not there. The fact that she never really learned how to cook has always made her life harder and she wants her boys to have basic life skills before they're ready to go out in the world and conquer it.

The fact that Derek seems to be wanting to make up for eight years of lost time will either come handy or hinder her attempts. They will need to have a conversation about all this, at some point. It doesn't have to be tonight, though. Tonight she wants to enjoy the fact that they're together.

After the cleaning is done, they all embark on a few more rounds of Go Fish, with the boys crushing her and Derek multiple times. The laughter and the happiness radiate from all of them, and Meredith's tiredness is postponed until bedtime rolls around.

The boys beg for Derek to tuck them in and read stories to both of them, so of course it takes him twenty minutes to come down. Meredith is happy they can enjoy just a bit more time with their father since they all crave more.

Derek's soft smile when he comes down is also breathtaking.

He looks at her and then comes close to kiss her.

"Oh, I've wanted to do that since you came in," he murmurs against her lips, smiling brightly.

"Thank you for cooking. And for babysitting. And for staying."

Derek sighs. "They're my children, it's not babysitting, it's parenting. I've been pretty shitty in the early stages, but I'm trying to get better."

Meredith leans into him for a hug, her cheek gently resting on his shoulder. "Still, thank you. You are a natural with them."

"I've dreamed about them for so long sometimes I can't believe I'm awake."

His sincere whisper blows her away and makes her tighten her hug. She feels a lump rise up in her throat as she forces back tears.

"Meredith, no regrets. And no more blame game."

"You're allowed to bring it up for the rest of our lives when we fight, I swear."

Her statement makes him laugh and she's happy they were able to lighten up the atmosphere.

"Do you mind if I stay just a few more minutes so we can go through their homework routine? Ethan says you get their homework in an email and they don't have a planner, just bring a folder home with the work they're supposed to bring in?"

Meredith smiles, loosening their embrace as they make their way back to the counter where Ethan's school folder is, so she can explain better how his teacher wants everything done. She can't believe it's the first time in weeks that Derek was the only one around after they came home from school and he had to supervise homework.

The more she has Derek around, the more she realizes there are so many little things she takes for granted about parenting the twins that would be a mystery to an outsider. Meredith is more than happy to involve Derek in all of this, that is for sure.

As they discuss the rest of their week and organize their schedule, she offers him a beer or some wine, just to unwind, and he's happy to accept the beer. Meredith feels like any excuse is good to keep Derek around just a few more minutes. Her next attempt is a kiss, and of course that turns into something more much faster than she predicted.

By the time she regains her coherency she has her pants down and she's sitting on Derek's lap on her couch, straddling him. His smirk says everything.

"We _have_ to be quiet. I swear, if those kids come down right now you are paying for their therapy and answering _all_ of their questions," she says.

Derek laughs in reply, then keeps kissing her.

"Will we ever get used to the fear of getting caught?" Meredith says as soon as they lay panting on the couch, most of their clothing back where it's supposed to belong. Derek is still shirtless, her socks are nowhere to be found, but in case of little wandering goblins popping up, they would be fine.

Derek smiles. "Maybe. Maybe not until they're in college."

Meredith laughs. She likes having him so close to her. Part of her would like this to be her everyday, as dreamlike as it has been. So, for once, she decides to be bold. Especially when she sees that it's getting late.

"Derek, would you like to stay over?"

His eyes boggle out for a second. "Stay over?"

"I might kick you out really early in the morning, but yeah. It's late and I know it takes a while to get back to the trailer. You can crash here."

"I…"

"We both start early tomorrow. Early enough for you to get a decent night's sleep if you don't have to drive half hour away from here."

"So I should stay." His smile is beautiful.

"Yup." She grins back.

"Couch?"

"Or, you could come upstairs so I will only have to set one alarm." She smiles as she puts all her cards down.

Of course, Derek picks Meredith's bed as the best option and they both untangle, only to get back in the same position when they are under her covers.

"I could get used to this," Derek whispers as Meredith's eyes close and she lets herself drift to sleep.

She could get used to this indeed.

* * *

Whew, safe.

When Logan's eyes snap open, his breathing is heavy, but this time it's not his bad heart that makes it hard to breathe, just a nightmare.

He sits up in the darkness of his room, his eyes trying to adjust to the faint light coming from the guiding nightlights. The house is quiet, so, even though he can't see what time it is, he assumes it's pretty late.

He really, really wants to go sleep in Mommy's bed. She can make all the scary monsters go away in a second and never come back.

"Are you okay?" Logan hears Ethan's voice, and sighs.

"Just a bad, scary dream, I'm okay."

"It sounded bad. Like when your heart was bad," Ethan says, sighing too.

"Just a freaky monster."

"Do you think Mommy knows how to send the monster away forever?"

"She probably does." Logan is convinced of it. "Wanna go snuggle with her?"

Logan can see his brother's smile in the dark, and then watches him get up.

Together, they walk just down the hall to their mom's bedroom, carefully opening the door.

They both share a confused look as soon as they walk inside and they see an extra person in the bed.

"Is Daddy having a sleepover?" Logan says, puzzled. Ethan looks just as baffled.

"Dunno. I thought he would tell if he was," Ethan whispers.

"Why would he stay over and not tell?" Logan whispers back.

They both go stand near their mother's side of the bed, unsure if they can wake her up now.

"Mommy," Logan says, and they both see their mother still laying still. Daddy instead stirs a bit.

"Mommy," Ethan says as well, and this time, four pair of eyes snap open.

Strangely, both Mommy and Daddy look terrified for a few seconds. "Sorry if we scared you. I had a bad dream and woke up Ethan, so we wanted to snuggle." Logan tries to explain as best as he can, hoping they're not too scared.

"Oh, Berry," Mommy whispers, then she looks back at Daddy.

"Come and snuggle, boys. We can make room." Daddy smiles, scooching over.

Happily, Logan and Ethan squeeze in between their parents, and it feels strange to have both of them here at this time of night. Logan molds into his mother's side, while Ethan sticks to Derek, his cheek on his pillow.

"Daddy, were you having a sleepover?" Ethan asks, a small giggle escaping his lips.

"I was going to go home, but it was too late, so Mommy told me I could stay. I want to get enough sleep to be ready for work tomorrow so I was happy to accept your mommy's offer."

"You can have a sleepover anytime, Daddy! You can even snuggle in our beds if you want," Ethan says, snuggling into him.

"Yeah, it would be so, so fun!" Logan says, before both boys yawn, almost at the same time.

It's easy to fall back to sleep when you're safe and sound in a big bed.

* * *

"Fudge, Derek!" Meredith whispers as soon as the boys are back asleep. Meredith and Derek's eyes are wide open, instead. "Fudge, fudge, fudge!"

Derek feels like smiling and shaking at the same time. "They are okay with my lame explanation."

"What if they have more questions? What then?"

"Well, we can say that we're trying out Mommy and Daddy things, which include sleeping in the same bed. Just in case we will ever live in the same house."

"And then what? You know they will beg for you to move in. I'm not sure we're there, yet."

"So we'll explain why. As best as we can. Let's just let the boys dictate the pace. Until we're doing something that changes their lives radically, they don't need to know. If they ask, we'll answer. How's that?"

Meredith sighs. "Hopefully good."

Derek sighs too. "Well, I guess there's no need for the crazy early alarm, now."

Finally, the tension leaks out of the bedroom and they both relax enough to feel like sleep can come back soon.

As Meredith closes her eyes again, breathing in the soft smell that is all Logan, she wonders how beautiful it could be if this was their reality, day in and day out. What if they were really a family.

She hopes she can, one day, find out.

* * *

 **A/N: Well, it looks like it's spinning out of control much faster than they thought, right? Hopefully not too fast.**

 **I hope you enjoyed, and since I probably won't be posting on BISY before then, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!**


	22. Hang Your Holiday Rainbow Lights

**A/N: Finally, some BISY is back! Maybe I really am getting back into the groove of writing. Fingers crossed for that.**

 **Song title for this chapter is _Gospel._ It doesn't have anything to do with religion, though, as far as I can see, just a great one-liner. It is also quite sad, but any The National song can fit the mood anytime. So, e** **njoy!**

* * *

 **Chapter 22 - Hang Your Holiday Rainbow Lights**

* * *

In the few months that follow the first busted "sleepover", Meredith and Derek's relationship solidifies and they fall into a routine.

Every Wednesday, Derek takes the afternoon off and spends it with the boys, picking them up from school and enjoying some time together. Some days it's incredible, planned-out adventures, others it's just homework and hanging out in the house. And every Wednesday, Derek sleeps over.

Of course, Wednesday nights it's when Meredith gets the best sleep of the week, until the weekend comes. Meredith has to work on weekends often, but Derek gets to pick his schedule better, and he's mostly on call. He gets pulled into emergency surgeries sometimes, but Ellis is always ready to jump at the opportunity to babysit the twins. If it all fails, and all their usual babysitters are busy, then Ethan and Logan come to the hospital and have the time of their lives.

By the time Thanksgiving rolls around, Derek announces that this year he needs to fly back to his mom's house in New York because he promised her way before he knew about the twins, but that next year they'll figure it out better.

So, Thanksgiving is slightly bittersweet in the Grey household, even though Richard makes a mean turkey and Ellis pulls out her best chef qualities to host.

Meredith and the twins are on the quiet side, feeling the presence of Derek missing. They had their own Wednesday celebration the week before Thanksgiving, with Derek taking them to the trailer and all of them hanging out there cozied up, but it's not the same as having him at the table during the actual holiday.

Ethan and Logan are so eager to see them that they beg Meredith to pick him up from the airport. So here they are, outside baggage claim of the Seattle-Tacoma airport, holding greeting cards and staring between the sliding doors and the arrival board.

"Mommy, I see him!" Logan shouts, and then sprints. Ethan doesn't wait a second to follow his brother.

Seeing Logan run like that makes her eyes fill with tears. Her son is a completely different person since the transplant, and she never gets tired to see his health blossom.

"Daddy!" Meredith hears in unison, coming from their boys, as they slam into Derek full speed.

Derek laughs as he tries to embrace them both and not fall on his ass.

"My goodness, I missed you so much," Derek says, squeezing the boys tightly against him.

"You missed Pops' turkey, Daddy! It was ah-mah-zeeeng!" Logan blurts, putting a smile on everyone's faces.

"Your Nana Carolyn makes some good turkey too, though, don't worry too much."

"Good," Ethan says, nodding seriously.

"Hey," Meredith says, smiling genuinely for what feels like the first time since Derek left.

Derek lets go of the boys and moves towards her, Meredith's turn to get a tight hug.

"You have no idea how much I've missed you," Derek whispers in her ear, and she closes her eyes for a second, savoring his proximity.

"I hope not as much as I missed you," she whispers back.

"Not possible." Derek pulls away, only to cup her cheek in his palm and give her a quick kiss on her forehead. Meredith basks in his touch.

"Daddy, kiss Mommy on the lips!" Ethan prompts, giggling. Both Meredith and Derek get smiles on their faces, before Derek plants a sweet, chaste kiss on Meredith's lips. The boys still manage to grimace and pull faces at that, in between all their giggling.

The first time the boys saw them kiss it had been an accident. Meredith had a long day and after dinner, as they cleaned the kitchen, Derek tried to comfort her as best as he could. The boys barreled in the kitchen to show off their pajamas and brushed teeth, and saw the liplock.

After explaining that this is what adults who are in a romantic relationship do, the boys seemed satisfied enough that it didn't degenerate into the dreaded "sex talk" just then. They were closer and closer, but not there yet.

"Welcome home," Meredith hums against his lips as they part, and Derek's smile brightens. His eyes are twinkling, and she could stare at him forever. They don't have time for this, though, because they need to get back in the city for Ethan's basketball practice and get on with their lives.

As Meredith drives them home, Derek tells the boys all about New York, and they listen to him raptly. He talks about his family, which helps Meredith figure them out better, too, and he has plenty of words about Nana Carolyn, which brings a smile to Meredith's face as she pegs him as the ultimate mama's boy.

Derek agrees to stay at Ethan's practice, much to the boys' delight. Logan sticks to Derek's side for half of the practice, then spots one of his friends in the bleachers and decides to go play with him, giving Meredith and Derek a chance to catch up.

They stealthily hold hands on the bleachers – in true high-school throwback fashion– as they watch Ethan shoot and dribble for a few minutes, in silence.

"You are the only person I don't need to fill the silence with," Derek says out of the blue, making Meredith turn towards him with a smile. His eyes are twinkling again.

The longer she stares at him, the longer she wants him to be by her side forever. It's as if he's filling the hole he made, making her whole, as whole as she felt in Italy, when they were first together, and she had no way to express her feelings but sex.

But now, now she knows. She's older, wiser, she's a mother. She knows what this feeling is. And it's different, and brand new, but yet still the same.

"I love you, Derek." Her voice is almost drowned by the clamor of the kids and the balls bouncing on the hardwood floor, but Derek hears it perfectly.

Meredith sees his eyes fill with tears as he looks at her, sending shivers down her spine.

"And I love _you,_ " he says, his voice almost cracking. "Damn kids, I need to kiss you properly," he says, chortling. Meredith giggles next to him.

Derek pulls her closer, her head landing on his shoulder, and she stamps the faintest kiss in the crook of his neck, right above the hem of his crewneck sweater.

"My mom really wants to meet the boys," Derek announces after they have basked in the moment for a few minutes.

"Is she flying out?"

"Not anytime soon, probably. Christmas is her busiest grandmother season," he jokes, but then turns serious. He pulls away from her, looking at Meredith in the eyes. "I know this is a lot to ask, and you don't have to answer right now, but, if you're up for it, you could all come to New York for Christmas."

Meredith's breath stops for a second, taking in his words.

"You don't have to be my girlfriend, partner, or whatever we define us as, just...you. Just Meredith, or just Meredith: Logan and Ethan's mom."

Meredith inhales deeply.

"If we were normal, non-couply parents who share custody, I would not come over to yours for Christmas."

Derek nods. "I know. And if you want, I can ask everyone to come to Seattle. Except, I barely have enough room to host our family, let alone my mother, sisters, husbands, and kids."

"True."

"Look, I tried to respect your privacy and just talked about the kids, and I don't want Ethan and Logan to spend their Christmas away from their mother just so that my family can meet them. This could be our first Christmas together as a family, and I don't want to miss it for the world, so if you're not ready to go to New York, I'll cancel my ticket and stay home, but if you are, I would be honored to introduce you to my family."

Meredith sighs. "I need a day or two to think about it. Please?"

"Of course. I know you have your own traditions, so we need to figure this out, too. We'll get there."

* * *

That conversation keeps playing in Meredith's head over and over again as they sit on the plane, all buckled up and ready for take-off, directed to New York.

She is sitting between Ethan and Logan, with Derek across the aisle. Not the perfect set-up, but the best they could come up with so close to Christmas. Derek didn't say how much he shelled out for these tickets, but she bets it's been outrageous since she made up her mind about coming only at the beginning of December.

Yet, they're ready to leave for their five-odd hours of flight, or as ready as the boys could be on the first flight of their lives.

It almost makes Meredith sad that the twins never really had a chance to fly before today. She had her share of adventures when younger and she swore her kids would too, but life's grind got the best of her, so this is the first time they step on a plane.

They're bouncing excitedly, restrained by the seatbelts, as the plane starts moving out of the gate and onto the runway for takeoff. She can see some dread in their faces, especially as the plane starts picking up speed. She knows what to expect, yet it still unsettles her when she thinks too much about the actual idea of being thousands of feet above the ground. The boys fall into a tense silence, broken up only when they are fully in the air and they watch Seattle disappear below their feet.

"That was so cool," Ethan murmurs, with Logan nodding in agreement.

"Daddy, we're flying!" Logan stage-whispers, bringing out a smile from Derek.

She loves watching Derek. Watch his eyes crinkle and sparkle as the kids interact with him, as he devotes his full attention to them and their questions. She dreamed of this moment for years, on those dark days when she wondered what it could have been if she stayed with him, if she didn't chicken out and followed him, or had him come with her to see Ellis.

Yet, at the same time, she thinks that maybe it would not have become this story. This wonderful, sometimes unbelievable story that they have now, and she would miss some parts of it, that's for sure.

The dread at meeting Derek's family is still there though, and it doesn't go away during the flight, nor in the ride to Derek's mother house from the airport, navigating busy city streets littered with slush and luscious tree-lined highways covered in snow as they drive north, away from Manhattan.

Dread builds and builds and builds, until Meredith is sure she's going to faint when Derek knocks at Carolyn Shepherd's door.

Ethan and Logan take a step back, closer to her, and she can feel their body heat even though all the layers of their respective jackets. Derek stands one step ahead of all three of them, wordlessly offering protection and comfort.

An older woman with short salt and pepper hair and warm brown eyes opens the door, and Meredith immediately sees the resemblance. While she's shorter than Derek, she has the same warm gleam in her eyes that he has. She couldn't be anyone but Carolyn Shepherd.

"Mom," Derek says, his voice gentle, reverent, almost in awe.

"Derek." Her smile could melt ice caps.

Derek reaches for her and they hug right on her front porch, the warmth of the embrace covering the nip of the New York winter. For a long time, they just embrace there, tightly holding onto one another, and Meredith knows, this says all the words Derek sometimes cannot say.

"Mom, this is Logan," Derek says, entangling from her, then pushing Logan forward, keeping his steady, protective hand on his shoulder. "And this is Ethan," he adds, repeating the motion, now both boys flanking him. "Guys, this is Nana Carolyn."

"It's so good to meet you both," she says, not wasting any time and pulling them both into her arms.

The boys seem to melt in there, both surrendering to the affectionate gesture Meredith already figured is genuine. Shepherds hug, and she's not sure if she should brace herself for a similar treatment or for a cold shoulder. She has no idea which one she dreads the most.

"Mom, this is Meredith." Derek's voice is like a breathy whisper as he says it, filled with all the love she knows he has for her, yet the softness takes her aback. "Meredith, this is my mom, Carolyn."

"I've heard so much about you, it's incredible I can actually meet you." Carolyn's voice gets lost into her hair, as Carolyn hugs her too. And she gets why her boys melted in there, because this woman has the perfect embrace. She is soft and warm and smells like Christmas cookies, and Meredith feels shaky in comparison. She will never be like her, and it scares Meredith to death to know that Derek will realize that at some point.

"Oh, Derek, we should have done this inside, where it's warm! I'm so sorry, I'm already being a horrible entertainer. Come on in," Carolyn says, inviting them inside with a smile as warm as her hugs. Meredith almost misses it when the older woman pulls away.

The boys respectfully follow Derek's lead and take their shoes off, dropping them on a mountain of other wet shoes in a pile right at the door. From the dizzying array of sizes and styles, Meredith bets they each belong to a different member of the clan, and it freaks her out to think she'll have to remember all these names.

She should have made flashcards, that would have been a smart idea. Crap.

Carolyn starts showing them around briefly, leaving Derek to get their luggage situated in their rooms while she stands in the kitchen awkwardly, listening to Carolyn make small talk about all the cooking she's doing and trying to get to know her grandchildren with basic kid questions.

Derek even offered to stay in a hotel, but who was Meredith to deprive him of a stay at his mom's house? She can endure this for a few days, she can. And her boys deserve to experience Christmas in a different way. She can give them this, even if she'll have to hide for most of her stay. There's going to be a basement or a closet she can escape in, right?

When Derek returns, they move through the house, headed towards the voices she could faintly hear from the kitchen.

Shouts of "Derek!" fill the room as they approach the living room, and Meredith pales when she sees it's filled to the brim with the adults. At least the children are nowhere to be found.

"Guys, this is Logan, and this one is Ethan. Easiest twins to tell apart, right?" he grins proudly, the show-off, and Meredith can see some of the faces there give him slow smiles. They clearly know how dorky he can be.

"Derek, they don't care about us. I'm Uncle Matt, and believe me, the fun is downstairs." Uncle Matt winks, pointing to a door that leads to the basement.

As the children leave, Meredith realizes that she will not have them as shields or buffers against the family. Maybe Derek will stick up for her? Or will he just leave her alone to mingle?

Damn.

"This is Meredith," Derek says, his voice sure and proud now, not a breathless whisper. He's showing her off too.

"How can you put up with him is beyond me," says a woman that looks quite like Derek, extending her hand to Meredith. "Lizzie. Younger by a year on paper, but boy if I'm wiser than my brother."

Meredith smiles at that introduction. Another woman, this time, taller than Lizzie, her eyes as blue as Derek's, moves closer, extending her hand as well. "I'm Kathleen, the oldest sister. I rule them all, no matter what they say."

"Mom rules us all." This sister rolls her eyes, but makes no effort to stand up. She looks the most like Carolyn. "I'm Nancy."

"Where's Amelia?" Derek asks.

"Residency is kicking her ass, apparently," Nancy rolls her eyes. "She'll be here by tonight."

The husbands introduce themselves too, but Meredith will never be able to keep track of all the names and their relationship status being dumped in her brain. She hopes they won't notice.

Banter flows easily in the Shepherds' household, and Meredith is content to stare at them, gauge their personalities, see Derek in his element. Maybe it wasn't a mistake, being here, as much as it freaks her out.

Especially not when Derek holds her close while they're waiting for Christmas lunch to be served, or when she sees how brightly Logan and Ethan are smiling as they get to open their presents will all their cousins on Christmas morning.

Back home, during their usual routine at Ellis' house, the task took them an hour including clean up. After the two-hour mark they've barely scratched the surface here, with so many children and adults exchanging gifts, let alone the Santa ones.

Her boys are so happy their smiles must hurt. Derek's smile is just as bright, and she can't help but be happy too.

So when Carolyn hugs her goodbye on their way back to Seattle, holding her even more tightly and with even more warmth than she did when she came in, Meredith's eyes sting.

The tears finally fall when she hear Carolyn's whisper: "Welcome to the family, Meredith." right as they part.

The warmth of family washes over her and stays with her for the rest of the journey, if not longer.

* * *

 **A/N: Well, guess that the holidays weren't all that bad for Meredith and the gang, uh? Any guesses on what happens next?**

 **I will probably cram some chapters together as I go along, make the story maybe a little shorter, but finished. I hope you won't be too mad. I'll still try to include as many scenes of the ones in my original planning as I can.**

 **Thank you for reading, still.**


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